Recently my days have been so-so. They start off OK and I go through my normal routine. Then all of a sudden something just hits me and I become overwhelmingly sad. I must admit for the past week or so I have made it through my days not thinking about it and pretending this isn't happening.
My goal has been to survive 24 hours at a time, preferably without crying inconsolably.
I believe everyone is entitled to feeling miserable when your life has just thrown a wrench into the works. I don't know how to feel any other way than this. I have to find my footing in all of this "stuff"... I don't know where to turn to. My friends are great, the best even, but I know that they don't know what this is like. I have a feeling that all of my blogs will be depressing until I can re-find who I am.
Who am I? What do I believe in?
I wanted to be a doctor since I can remember. I was going to find the cure for cancer. I did everything I needed to during high school, even got most of my prereq's for med school out of the way my junior and senior year. I was "pen pals" with the dean of a local medical school since 8th grade. He would send me materials to read, things to research. Right at the last minute, I decided that my purpose was something else.
Instead of devoting my life to my career and being one PERSON who wanted to make the world a better place, I decided I wanted to have a big family and to raise my children as great people. PEOPLE that would make a difference, PEOPLE that would change the world.
I opted for a career that would consume less of my time so that I could be available to my family. I gave up (happily) medical school for my future family.
I thought I had it all figured out.
Little did I know that 4 years later I would be where I am wondering if there will ever be any "little feat" at all. I feel like I am expected to be positive and happy. I'm not though. Most people would say I should be happy because I am alive and to be thankful for what I have. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have been given. I do still see the beauty of life... the wind blowing in the trees, vibrant colors in the sky, breathing. To me, it all seems nothing without children. What can I say, I am depressed.
I believe in God. I know He is here. I know He loves me. Sometimes I do question His plan, and I hate myself for it. I don't doubt that people have asked themselves the same question, "why me?"... and I do. Why is this happening...? What life lesson am I suppose to be learning from this...? Will anything ever come by me effortlessly?
This is something I want more than anything. I still feel like I was born to be a doctor sometimes, but I always feel like I was born to be a mother. I am a childless mother. And that's exactly how I feel.
We have a "hope chest" (if you have never heard of this it is a collection of things you save up for when you have children and you store them away). There are, of course, several outfits with firetrucks and ambulances, tiny pink jackets with teddy bears, little rubber ducks... We get all of it at a great price on clearance. What's the use in buying it as soon as it comes out... what's the rush, right? I found a pair of newborn size socks and I found myself lost in thought when I was holding them. What if there are no little feet to fill these little socks? What will my life become...? Will I find a new purpose, a new desire? Now they are laying on my dresser, for some reason I can't find it in me to stash them away.
I have moments of silence every day. I am trying to figure out what it is God wants me to learn before we can become parents. What am I missing?
I had a dream last night that I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. I was feeding him and he looked up at me with the most magical look on his face. In my dream, I was the happiest I have felt in a long time. My heart felt so warm and full. I held this baby so tightly in my arms, all I could see was his face, the rest of the world just didn't matter. In a flash I was holding his sister, just as beautiful as he was. I awoke suddenly to a single tear drop running down my face.
God, please fill my arms... or at least let me have that dream forever.
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