Question, Ladies.

    So I am sure i'm not the only one that does this, or at least I hope not... For a few years now we have been buying little baby things here and there... mostly things on clearance or really really cute things we just had to have. Today I was on ebay and found these

I know, super cute, right?!?! ahh! so cute! Paid 7.50 for them on Ebay, free shipping. They are from Mudpie.. I think they have a website...

   Anyway, we don't have much, but we do have maybe a plastic tote full. I was wondering, should I do a baby buys blog?! I figured it would be really boring, but maybe it wont be? I will probably also do a video on my youtube also.  I'm feeling a bit more optimistic this cycle.. not sure why, and I probably shouldn't get my hopes up but sometimes that's hard to do I guess. Anyway, just wanted to share this!

CD 3 Update

    To start this blog off, this has been the WEIRDEST af I have ever had. Usually hell has broken loose by now. However, this af is unusually manageable. Maybe I am just getting "healthier" or something, would the metformin do this? Its just strange.  I thought the bleeding I am experiencing might be implantation or something, I know, I am reaching pretty far out. But, I have heard of women that mistake implantation or early pregnancy bleeding for af (?) so I have been taking hpts and not really seeing anything.  So I am expecting the flow to pick up, but today is day 3 and my cycle doesn't really go for more than 4 or 5 days (?). I am so lost.

    On another note, the last time I bought some first response pregnancy tests I got a fertility test with it. I know I have used them before, but I don't think I ever read the instructions. So today I used the fertility test by the instructions.  It is basically just an FSH test.

Results look normal, though at the RE he did an ultrasound and said there were PLENTY of eggs left, so I didn't really expect this to be elevated.

I have been using my ovacue, but of course we wont be able to tell anything with that for a few days... like 20 ish to be exact (since my cycles are longish- 46 days is the average right now for me.)

Nothing else to update!  Hope everyone is doing well! 

Say some extra prayers for a blog buddy of mine who is 12 dpo and is testing on Monday.. she is going to be the best mommy ever, her baby is just being picky about when he or she wants to be born!

Empty Womb Feelings

    There have been several moments where I have attempt to verbalize what infertility means to me.  Try to put into words the emotions that I have (and i'm sure the emotions of everyone that goes through this).  To have a conversation with someone who is a stranger to a situation like this, who genuinely wants to know how I feel, what its like. I don't know what to say.  I mean, yeah we can all say things to try and explain, but for me the words do not do my feelings any justice.

    Until now, I didn't have words to describe this. Now, I think I do.

    Infertility to me is like playing the lottery.  You can talk all day about what you would do if you won all that money from the lottery.  Make imaginary plans for your life, how you would react when you got that "positive result".  How am I going to tell everyone? But it doesn't matter because who ever actually wins the lottery??

    I make plans for a nursery, we pick out names, and imagine what it will feel like the morning I see those double lines.  Truth is though, I feel like that is never going to happen. And not because it isn't happening when I want it to or anything like that... I just feel that I would never be that lucky to win.  

    So imagine that the only thing in life you ever wanted was to win the lottery... There is nothing you can do to increase your odds... you just play, card after card and you never win.  

    We feel empty, my husband and I.  We love each other more than anything, but something is missing.  There is a hole in our hearts and our lives every second.  We don't want to create a baby because we want one, (I mean, of course we want a baby!) it is more than that, we want to create a baby together because we love each other so much and it just feels right.. That is something that I cannot explain. I hope that this is a feeling that many couples get, so you understand what I mean when I can't explain it. 

    So if I had to put into words what I feel like all the time, I would have to say at this exact moment, that is the best I can do to describe it. 

And if that day comes when we are lucky enough to win the "lottery of life"...well, I guess I don't know what i'll do, but I can tell you that it will be the happiest day of our lives. 

P.S. Today is our 3 year anniversary of TTC (trying to conceive). I hope we are a lot closer today than we were three years ago. I must say, it has been quite the roller coaster. Coming from not knowing why I am not getting pregnant to knowing why and trying new medications and it still not working.  We still have our faith and that is something infertility will never take from me. 

Yay!

    I was so upset the day that the RE called and told me he was holding off all of our treatment until my blood sugar lowered a bit.  Went to the family doctor and we started metformin extended release 750 mg twice a day.  He said my a1c would be down a point in a month and that should be plenty good enough to start back treatment again.  So my appointment is set for December 28th.  It just seems like we will never get back on track to start treatment again.

   So get this, I woke up in TERRIBLE pain the night before last... Had no idea what was going on. The next day, AF showed up.. without progesterone!  Turns out the positive opk I had exactly 14 days before af showed up was truly positive. AHH!  Who knows, I may not even need to go back to the RE?! I read that metformin can regulate your cycle and bring on ovulation... but I heard that would take months. I can't believe I started on my own and exactly 14 dpo.. amazing! My husband and I almost started crying yesterday morning, we were so excited and so proud. See, normal couples would not rejoice in a period, but for us it was like winning a gold!!

    I know if this keeps up, we are in the home stretch.

On that note I want to congratulate one of my blog buddies who just found out that she was expecting this week! I am so excited for her, and I cannot wait to read all of her updates on her pregnancy! I will be praying for a healthy and exciting 9 months!

A Family Picture

Taken the weekend before Halloween this year at my mom's block party.

My dog, Lilly Bo, was Princess Leia... she had a wig but she didn't like it very much!

An upside

    In a way, I am thankful that my RE has stopped treatment.  God must have a special baby picked out for us and he just wants me to be super healthy before we can have it.  When I was upset about stopping treatment, it wasn't that I didn't care about not being healthy and getting my blood sugar down, I was just angry that I have something else I have to deal with now.

    I'm sure it will be a lot easier now to get rid of my "borderline diabetes" than it would be if I developed gestational diabetes... I want my baby to be the healthiest ever!

    I just hope we don't have to go on too long of a break, after all, we did just start working with him in September!

    Another way to look at it.. I am starting metformin and, while I was going to start it anyway for PCOS, they say the longer you take it before you start clomid the more receptive your body will be towards it-thus, it is more likely to work.  I was going to be on it 3-4 weeks before starting clomid, but now, it may be a few months... Maybe clomid will work a lot better for us!

    Who knows, I just hope we can get all of this situated.

Little Feet

   Every day that goes by adds another twist to the roller coaster we just boarded.

    Recently my days have been so-so. They start off OK and I go through my normal routine. Then all of a sudden something just hits me and I become overwhelmingly sad.  I must admit for the past week or so I have made it through my days not thinking about it and pretending this isn't happening.

     My goal has been to survive 24 hours at a time, preferably without crying inconsolably.

     I believe everyone is entitled to feeling miserable when your life has just thrown a wrench into the works.  I don't know how to feel any other way than this.  I have to find my footing in all of this "stuff"... I don't know where to turn to. My friends are great, the best even, but I know that they don't know what this is like. I have a feeling that all of my blogs will be depressing until I can re-find who I am.

    Who am I?  What do I believe in?

    I wanted to be a doctor since I can remember. I was going to find the cure for cancer. I did everything I needed to during high school, even got most of my prereq's for med school out of the way my junior and senior year. I was "pen pals" with the dean of a local medical school since 8th grade. He would send me materials to read, things to research. Right at the last minute, I decided that my purpose was something else.

    Instead of devoting my life to my career and being one PERSON who wanted to make the world a better place, I decided I wanted to have a big family and to raise my children as great people.  PEOPLE that would make a difference, PEOPLE that would change the world.

    I opted for a career that would consume less of my time so that I could be available to my family.  I gave up (happily) medical school for my future family.

  I thought I had it all figured out.

    Little did I know that 4 years later I would be where I am wondering if there will ever be any "little feat" at all. I feel like I am expected to be positive and happy. I'm not though. Most people would say I should be happy because I am alive and to be thankful for what I have.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have been given. I do still see the beauty of life... the wind blowing in the trees, vibrant colors in the sky, breathing. To me, it all seems nothing without children. What can I say, I am depressed.

    I believe in God. I know He is here. I know He loves me. Sometimes I do question His plan, and I hate myself for it. I don't doubt that people have asked themselves the same question, "why me?"... and I do. Why is this happening...? What life lesson am I suppose to be learning from this...? Will anything ever come by me effortlessly?

    This is something I want more than anything.  I still feel like I was born to be a doctor sometimes, but I always feel like I was born to be a mother. I am a childless mother. And that's exactly how I feel.

    We have a "hope chest" (if you have never heard of this it is a collection of things you save up for when you have children and you store them away).  There are, of course, several outfits with firetrucks and ambulances, tiny pink jackets with teddy bears, little rubber ducks... We get all of it at a great price on clearance. What's the use in buying it as soon as it comes out... what's the rush, right? I found a pair of newborn size socks and I found myself lost in thought when I was holding them. What if there are no little feet to fill these little socks? What will my life become...?  Will I find a new purpose, a new desire? Now they are laying on my dresser, for some reason I can't find it in me to stash them away.

    I have moments of silence every day.  I am trying to figure out what it is God wants me to learn before we can become parents. What am I missing?
   
   I had a dream last night that I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen.  I was feeding him and he looked up at me with the most magical look on his face.  In my dream, I was the happiest I have felt in a long time. My heart felt so warm and full.  I held this baby so tightly in my arms, all I could see was his face, the rest of the world just didn't matter.  In a flash I was holding his sister, just as beautiful as he was. I awoke suddenly to a single tear drop running down my face.

                                  God, please fill my arms... or at least let me have that dream forever.

Here We Go

    I know it has been a while since I typed my last blog post.  This past Monday, the 19th we met with with our Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I have been looking online at this place since I found out we were going here.  Some stuff I read about it was really good, some, not so good. To say the least, we were nervous.

    As we walked back to the exam room my hands were shaking! Eventually we were taken back into the RE's office. The game plan for the day was an ultrasound and pelvic exam and depending on what we found with that would determine what our next move was. The ultrasound showed that I have some cysts on my cervix, but they said that is completely normal and a lot of people have them, it should have no bearing on trying to conceive. He said my uterus looked great. When we got to my ovaries he said they had the classic "string of pearls" appearance that Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  He also said that I have plenty of eggs/follicles in each of my ovaries.

    I am glad I did plenty of research on PCOS and I had pretty much diagnosed myself with it-so I wasn't really shocked  or anything.  The RE said he wasn't 100% sure that it was PCOS but it was a great possibility. He went ahead and prescribed me Provera once a day for 12 days to kick start my cycle (I was on  day 72 (!!!) at this appointment). He was going to give me Clomid but we are going to do a hysterosalphingogram or HSG before that... There is no since in inducing ovulation if your tubes or in my case tube isn't even open.

   So I have to wait for the first day of my cycle to call and schedule the HSG.  I am on the 5th pill today, I think. So about another week and a half and I can schedule it.  Also, since my husband had an undescended testicle that was corrected when he was an infant, the doctor is concerned about male factor infertility.  He has an appointment for a semen analysis this coming up Wednesday.  He is nervous that his count may be low- or non-existent.  We have been talking about what we will do if that is the case... donor sperm I guess but we are not going to think too much about this until we have some solid answers.

    The RE we have is amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. He made us feel important, like he really cared about our situation and is going to do whatever it takes to solve this puzzle. He is very sweet.

    When we were leaving the office we were handed a price list.  As many of you know, most insurance companies in this country do not cover any type of fertility treatment.  We are lucky in that our insurance company covers 1 office visit, 1 HSG, 1 round of blood work, 1 post coital test, 1 semen analysis and something else that I can't think of at the moment. 15 states have mandates concerning infertility.  Arkansas has a mandate that states insurance companies must cover testing to diagnose fertility (the one of each list that I put above) and one round of IVF, medications not included. Medications for an IVF cycle can be around $6,000 once it is all said and done. People think that these mandates are great.. I think it is crappy. They will pay part of the fee to diagnose you with something and then kick you to the curb when it comes for treatment.

    The down side is we are on our own for the rest. The office visit charge is anywhere from $150-$350, just for the visit. This fee does not include any procedure or test performed during the visit.  Also, an intrauterine insemination is only $190 (a great price). For 12 pills ( a months supply) is only $3 for me. A months supply for Clomid (about 5 pills) will be around $15.  I guess it is a lot better than we were expecting. This we can afford. We are going to be in trouble though if the Clomid or trigger shots don't work and we have to do invitro fertilization or IVF.

    If anyone that is having to go through treatment wants a copy of my price list, just let me know and I will send one to you.

I drink raspberry leaf tea - it is suppose to strengthen the uterus and increase blood flow to the pelvic organs among some other great things. On every bag of tea there is a quote, like this one above.