Torture in October

    Yesterday I had my HSG.  I have been looking forward to getting this done all year, at the same time I was really nervous. I had a strange feeling that my right tube was not going to be any good either.

    My appointment was at 1pm so I worked that morning from 6:30 am to 12:00pm.  I have never been so angry at work before.  Long story short when I found out when I had to do this (the only day they would do this during the week) I asked someone if they would be able to work my shift for me.  She could but the only thing was that she couldn't be in until 1:00 pm.  So no one had a problem with this until yesterday morning when the charge nurse flipped out on me... she was so rude and completely unprofessional.  As if I wasn't nervous enough already, this person had to show her ass yesterday.  My boss (which is over her) is the one that said this was ok, so i'm not worried about getting in "trouble"... but she defiantly didn't help my day go any better.

    So pissed off, angry, and nervous I walk to the bathroom before I leave work and I stare into the mirror.  I can see the tears building up behind my eyes.  I had a feeling of overwhelming fear.  Fear of the pain, fear of the results, fear of the fact that this is really happening.  I walked out and met my husband, he always makes me feel better.  A few minutes later we were at the hospital.  We checked in at 12:30 and waited in the lobby for about 20 minutes.  Then we went to registration where we were until about 1:15.  I thought when we made an appointment for 1pm we would be further along in the process than this.  So at 2:15 the radiology assistant finally came to get us.

    Fortunately, my husband was allowed to be in the room with me.  I changed into their "mini" hospital gown that came about an inch to my upper thigh.  We walked to the room and I was instructed to lay on the table. My husband suited up with a lead vest.  Moments later a resident and my doctor walked through the door.  I didn't know a resident would be doing my procedure.  I mean, I work at a university hospital but the fertility clinic that I go to has nothing to do with this hospital.  Not that I mind residents or anything, but I wish they would of told me before hand, that way I knew what to expect.

    Did I mention she was pregnant??  She was.  So was the surgeon that "took out" (i'll explain later) my fallopian tube, the resident I first talked to at the clinic, and the ob/gyn doctor I had to see in the ER.  My husband chuckled a little bit in the room... he and I didn't need to say anything, we knew just what the other was thinking.

    The resident said she would talk me through every step.  Even with the medication, I was still very aware of what was going on.  First the speculum, then some weird wet thing that was very painful that I later figured to be some giant wad of 4x4's soaked in betadine (she didn't talk me through that step).  Then she says, "ok, your going to feel a big stick and a burn" and i'm like.. what? why? Come to find out that they were numbing my cervix with lidocaine ,injected.  But not until about two minutes later did she stick me, so I thought oh ok she did it and I didn't even feel it. No.  Talk about pain! My husband later told me that they used a 6 inch 14 gauge needle! ah! What were they doing.. a spinal tap on my cervix? Geeze!

    After that the resident didn't tell me anything she was doing.  They then inserted a (this is all according to my husband because I couldn't see or remember) "giant metal ET tube looking thing with a ball on one end"- my husbands description.  No wonder why it hurt so bad!!  Then they injected 20cc's of contrast into my uterus... It was the strangest feeling in the world.

  Then the freaky part... are you ready for this??

   My RE then says..."so wait, you said you had one of your tubes removed?" and I say, "yes, the left one, the right one should still be there". RE- "well, I see both of your tubes and they are both open. You have both of your tubes"... At that point my heart skipped a few beats and it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.  Could this be my bundle branch block or the fact that they just tortured my womanhood? Not at all, its because in June I had a surgery to take my left tube out and now you are telling me it is there?!?!

    The RE stared at the screen for minutes trying to figure out what was going on.  All he could come up with was that it appeared there was a hole in my left tube... He said he would have to look at my operative report, again, to figure out what was going on.

    Scratching his head he said, "we need to see you back in the clinic", and walked out.

    Then I attempted the impossible and trying to get off of this table.  I did fairly well and made it to the bathroom doubled over.  They appropriately had handles on either side of the toilet because I NEEDED THEM! haha, it was terrible.  But I was really happy that I have a perfectly normal side!

   After that we went to the clinic to get Nate's semen analysis results.  Everything looked good with that too.

    So we are guessing with the next appointment we will be started on clomid and maybe metformin for my PCOS.

    Excited! Haven't scheduled my next appointment yet, but I will probably call today!

Little Feet

   Every day that goes by adds another twist to the roller coaster we just boarded.

    Recently my days have been so-so. They start off OK and I go through my normal routine. Then all of a sudden something just hits me and I become overwhelmingly sad.  I must admit for the past week or so I have made it through my days not thinking about it and pretending this isn't happening.

     My goal has been to survive 24 hours at a time, preferably without crying inconsolably.

     I believe everyone is entitled to feeling miserable when your life has just thrown a wrench into the works.  I don't know how to feel any other way than this.  I have to find my footing in all of this "stuff"... I don't know where to turn to. My friends are great, the best even, but I know that they don't know what this is like. I have a feeling that all of my blogs will be depressing until I can re-find who I am.

    Who am I?  What do I believe in?

    I wanted to be a doctor since I can remember. I was going to find the cure for cancer. I did everything I needed to during high school, even got most of my prereq's for med school out of the way my junior and senior year. I was "pen pals" with the dean of a local medical school since 8th grade. He would send me materials to read, things to research. Right at the last minute, I decided that my purpose was something else.

    Instead of devoting my life to my career and being one PERSON who wanted to make the world a better place, I decided I wanted to have a big family and to raise my children as great people.  PEOPLE that would make a difference, PEOPLE that would change the world.

    I opted for a career that would consume less of my time so that I could be available to my family.  I gave up (happily) medical school for my future family.

  I thought I had it all figured out.

    Little did I know that 4 years later I would be where I am wondering if there will ever be any "little feat" at all. I feel like I am expected to be positive and happy. I'm not though. Most people would say I should be happy because I am alive and to be thankful for what I have.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have been given. I do still see the beauty of life... the wind blowing in the trees, vibrant colors in the sky, breathing. To me, it all seems nothing without children. What can I say, I am depressed.

    I believe in God. I know He is here. I know He loves me. Sometimes I do question His plan, and I hate myself for it. I don't doubt that people have asked themselves the same question, "why me?"... and I do. Why is this happening...? What life lesson am I suppose to be learning from this...? Will anything ever come by me effortlessly?

    This is something I want more than anything.  I still feel like I was born to be a doctor sometimes, but I always feel like I was born to be a mother. I am a childless mother. And that's exactly how I feel.

    We have a "hope chest" (if you have never heard of this it is a collection of things you save up for when you have children and you store them away).  There are, of course, several outfits with firetrucks and ambulances, tiny pink jackets with teddy bears, little rubber ducks... We get all of it at a great price on clearance. What's the use in buying it as soon as it comes out... what's the rush, right? I found a pair of newborn size socks and I found myself lost in thought when I was holding them. What if there are no little feet to fill these little socks? What will my life become...?  Will I find a new purpose, a new desire? Now they are laying on my dresser, for some reason I can't find it in me to stash them away.

    I have moments of silence every day.  I am trying to figure out what it is God wants me to learn before we can become parents. What am I missing?
   
   I had a dream last night that I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen.  I was feeding him and he looked up at me with the most magical look on his face.  In my dream, I was the happiest I have felt in a long time. My heart felt so warm and full.  I held this baby so tightly in my arms, all I could see was his face, the rest of the world just didn't matter.  In a flash I was holding his sister, just as beautiful as he was. I awoke suddenly to a single tear drop running down my face.

                                  God, please fill my arms... or at least let me have that dream forever.