Yeah, the title says it all. 2011 sucked badly. Everything terrible happened this year. My husband thinks I am being negative, however, I think the facts say it all. Lets do a time line, shall we?
January 2011-Started a new job
Moved into a new house. Not an actual`"new" place, it needed (needs) some major renovations
Found out we were pregnant!! Totally ecstatic and scared s*!*$less at the same time!
February 2011- Had a m/c at 7 weeks and to top it off had a Dr that said, "whats the big deal, you can get
pregnant again"
Had the worst AF you could ever imagine as my body expelled our bean.
Got a new doctor and fired the B!tch doctor. Told him I was having terrible abdominal pain,
he ordered an ultrasound.
March 2011- Went in for an ultrasound and they told me my husband couldn't come back with me. Totally
uncool, we are with each other 100% of the way with this and they separated us :(. The lady
let me look at the screen until she quickly turned it away and told me I couldn't look.
April 2011- Tried calling my doctor every day for a month to get my ultrasound results, found out he was on a month long vacation and I would have to wait.
May 2011- the b!tch doctor read my results and tried to tell me I had a sexually transmitted disease. My
husband and I tried to find out who cheated on who.
A couple days later my regular doctor called to have me come in. Found out I did NOT have an
STD but a hydrosalphinx and he told me it was no big deal and it could be taken care of.
Went to obgyn who said that I would for sure have to loose my fallopian tube. Did an
endometrial biopsy or EMB which landed me in the hospital for 3 days.
I was pissed that I had to have a partial hysterectomy at 21.
June 2011- Had left fallopian tube removed. VERY painful!
July 2011- celebrated 1st wedding anniversary!
Obgyn refused to help with infertility or at least try a round of clomid for fear of lawsuit (yeah,
really, right!) Referred to reproductive endocrinologist.
August 2011- First appointment with RE, diagnosed with PCOS. Started provera because I was currently on
CD 180 at time of appointment.
September 2011- Semen analysis showed normal despite RE's suspicion of low count because of DH's
undecended testical that was corrected at birth.
October 2011- Had hysterosalphingogram or HSG, PPAAAIINNFULL!, showed compleatly normal
right side :D :D :D, and compleatly nonfunctional left side.
Had glucose tolerance test which showed abnormal.
November 2011- Had a1c drawn at RE's office, showed 6.8 and RE decided to drop all treatment plans until
it is "under control".
Went to family doctor to formulate a plan. Dr was as stunned as we were as to why the RE
sent us to a family doctor to control insulin resistance when it was infact caused by PCOS.
Started metformin er 750 mg twice a day.
Ovulated and had af all on my own.
December 2011- took a pregnancy test at 6 dpo which showed a BFP!!!!! ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't
believe it!
Took more hpt's and all showed negative. Found out the brand I was using was recalled for
false positives, FML.
Metformin upped to 2000 mg's a day.
Fertility plan still unknown at this point.
So as you can see, this is not me being negative, its just the facts! Just so we're clear, nothing good happened this year, nothing really, I swear. I am clinically depressed at this point. Mainly because we cannot continue on with fertility treatments because my body is hardly responding to metformin. I really hope 2012 is a better year for us. The only thing that could happen to be worse is to loose my other tube or have another m/c. It has got to be a good year. I'm going to get my body into tip top shape for a baby!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
A small update
So I hope everyone had a good holiday. Mine was decent.
Had my most recent doctors appointment yesterday with the family doctor. As all of you know our RE has stopped seeing us until my a1c of 6.8 is dropped down and under control-I don't know what he wants it to get to-according to all of our research, anything under 7 is considered "under control". So I started metformin a few weeks ago and attempted to change my diet.
I refuse to use the term "going on a diet" because that's just stupid. If you are at a point where you need to go on a diet its because your daily diet sucks... So you don't need a diet, you need a daily diet overhaul. A permanent change.
My blood sugars seemed to be fairly decent. However, I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy a few weeks ago and had to take some pretty impressive steroids. Found out those will screw up your blood sugar.
Anywho, went in for that and had some blood drawn to check it. I did a home check a few weeks ago and it was 6.7, down 1/10th, but thats not good enough of a change for me. I hope it is lower now.
My family doctor, which I hand picked because I use to work with him in the ER, is awesome. He listens to me and gets the job at hand done and delt with. He has been our doctor since our miscarriage, he found the hydrosalphinx and got us to the obgyn and RE. However, at this appointment I really was questioning his knowledge of anything. He was trying to find a way to get my blood sugars down and told me that he was going to put me on birth control... WHAT!!??.. He said to regulate my cycles and get rid of insulin resistance. I was like, um, doctor.. excuse me but I have PCOS and the second I come off of that birth control pill which I hate so much, everything will go right back to the way it was. He went and talked to the attending doctor who told him it would be pointless to put me on bc since it would be defeating the whole purpose of us being here, a pregnancy. So he upped my metformin to 1000 mg twice a day. Up from my 1500 mg a day. We will see how this goes. He is going to call my RE tomorrow and ask him what he is expecting of us. Which is pretty awesome of him to do.
I am ready to get this situated because me not getting af on my own like I did last month is pissing me off. In my last post I told you that I started provera again, which as we all know means I will not ovulate and have a real period... Which means I will go through an AF where I cant even ttc... Because I wont ovulate after provera, right? So this really sucks, I don't really know what I am to do right now.
Had my most recent doctors appointment yesterday with the family doctor. As all of you know our RE has stopped seeing us until my a1c of 6.8 is dropped down and under control-I don't know what he wants it to get to-according to all of our research, anything under 7 is considered "under control". So I started metformin a few weeks ago and attempted to change my diet.
I refuse to use the term "going on a diet" because that's just stupid. If you are at a point where you need to go on a diet its because your daily diet sucks... So you don't need a diet, you need a daily diet overhaul. A permanent change.
My blood sugars seemed to be fairly decent. However, I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy a few weeks ago and had to take some pretty impressive steroids. Found out those will screw up your blood sugar.
Anywho, went in for that and had some blood drawn to check it. I did a home check a few weeks ago and it was 6.7, down 1/10th, but thats not good enough of a change for me. I hope it is lower now.
My family doctor, which I hand picked because I use to work with him in the ER, is awesome. He listens to me and gets the job at hand done and delt with. He has been our doctor since our miscarriage, he found the hydrosalphinx and got us to the obgyn and RE. However, at this appointment I really was questioning his knowledge of anything. He was trying to find a way to get my blood sugars down and told me that he was going to put me on birth control... WHAT!!??.. He said to regulate my cycles and get rid of insulin resistance. I was like, um, doctor.. excuse me but I have PCOS and the second I come off of that birth control pill which I hate so much, everything will go right back to the way it was. He went and talked to the attending doctor who told him it would be pointless to put me on bc since it would be defeating the whole purpose of us being here, a pregnancy. So he upped my metformin to 1000 mg twice a day. Up from my 1500 mg a day. We will see how this goes. He is going to call my RE tomorrow and ask him what he is expecting of us. Which is pretty awesome of him to do.
I am ready to get this situated because me not getting af on my own like I did last month is pissing me off. In my last post I told you that I started provera again, which as we all know means I will not ovulate and have a real period... Which means I will go through an AF where I cant even ttc... Because I wont ovulate after provera, right? So this really sucks, I don't really know what I am to do right now.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
eh, whatever
I have been meaning to type up a new post, but I just haven't had the time lately! During my 2ww I had a positive hpt but then found out that the tests I had (same lot number and all) were being recalled for false positives. It is kind of funny now, I mean, I am really upset about it... But go figure, right?! Things just don't really seem to shock me anymore. So, I am about 19 dpo or something like that, AF never showed despite the fact that I started all on my own last month.
I started my first dose of provera yesterday and I am in hormonal hell. Everything is making me upset, I HATE THIS! I hate taking provera, its like, a reminder that my body sucks so bad that it can't even do its most common function. It also feels like giving up. I try to keep hope through every cycle and I never want to quit believing that this is my month... but 19dpo and nothing...its time to start provera.
That being said, today is my birthday. Nothing special happened. I went to work where I had the strangest psych patient. I came home to a husband on the couch watching movies all day and a trashed house. I was so upset I just went to lay down in bed. I slept until about 6pm, woke up and here I am. Nothing planned, no cake, no dinner. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought dh would have flowers...or something, I couldn't even get him to rub my feet... I guess my birthdays are just not as special as they use to be, its like no one gives a damn anymore.
I have a follow up appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to recheck my a1c level and I can tell you right now that it has not changed. I've been on my metformin, but when I was diagnosed with bells palsy I had some heavy steroids to take and I was told that they would throw my sugar levels off big time. On the plus side I have lost 5 more pounds this month... thats something my family doc doesnt really seem to care about to much. All this appointment is going to prove is that I am a failure and I will not be returning to the RE in January, go figure, right.
It just seems to be hard to have much faith anymore, faith is running low. I feel a bit cheated. I'm getting sick of hearing "oops, we accidently got pregnant, we didn't even want kids" or something of that nature. It all just makes me a little.. I don't know what word i'm looking for.
I feel like I am flirting with the line of sanity and insanity.
I started my first dose of provera yesterday and I am in hormonal hell. Everything is making me upset, I HATE THIS! I hate taking provera, its like, a reminder that my body sucks so bad that it can't even do its most common function. It also feels like giving up. I try to keep hope through every cycle and I never want to quit believing that this is my month... but 19dpo and nothing...its time to start provera.
That being said, today is my birthday. Nothing special happened. I went to work where I had the strangest psych patient. I came home to a husband on the couch watching movies all day and a trashed house. I was so upset I just went to lay down in bed. I slept until about 6pm, woke up and here I am. Nothing planned, no cake, no dinner. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought dh would have flowers...or something, I couldn't even get him to rub my feet... I guess my birthdays are just not as special as they use to be, its like no one gives a damn anymore.
I have a follow up appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to recheck my a1c level and I can tell you right now that it has not changed. I've been on my metformin, but when I was diagnosed with bells palsy I had some heavy steroids to take and I was told that they would throw my sugar levels off big time. On the plus side I have lost 5 more pounds this month... thats something my family doc doesnt really seem to care about to much. All this appointment is going to prove is that I am a failure and I will not be returning to the RE in January, go figure, right.
It just seems to be hard to have much faith anymore, faith is running low. I feel a bit cheated. I'm getting sick of hearing "oops, we accidently got pregnant, we didn't even want kids" or something of that nature. It all just makes me a little.. I don't know what word i'm looking for.
I feel like I am flirting with the line of sanity and insanity.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I give up.
I'm sorry everyone. I give up, at least I really want to give up, but even I know that I will still care. What I want is to not care anymore. I'm so broken hearted, I just don't think I can dO it much longer.
I got a positive hpt the day before yesterday and I found out today that those tests were being recalled for false positives. I tried to tell myself that it was a real positive, but all of my tests have been negative since... With the exception of a few faint lines (but they were the same brand, so it doesn't really matter). I've Ben through three miscarriages and so many chemicals... I just don't see how I can take it anymore. My faith is shaken, I am so depressed. I am entering a dark place I never wanted to be again. I just give up on everything. I don't know what to do anymore.
I hope I can snap out of this.
I got a positive hpt the day before yesterday and I found out today that those tests were being recalled for false positives. I tried to tell myself that it was a real positive, but all of my tests have been negative since... With the exception of a few faint lines (but they were the same brand, so it doesn't really matter). I've Ben through three miscarriages and so many chemicals... I just don't see how I can take it anymore. My faith is shaken, I am so depressed. I am entering a dark place I never wanted to be again. I just give up on everything. I don't know what to do anymore.
I hope I can snap out of this.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I give up.
I am so confused. Did I ovulate, or not. Which should I trust... a $400 machine or a .50 cent dipstick? Everyone on my countdowntopregnancy.com page is swearing by the sticks, but i'm just not sold yet. So today I am either 4dpo or I haven't ovulated yet. This really sucks. I feel like I can't count down to test day yet, but I can at the same time. I really just don't know what to do. I am still testing everyday/night with my ovacue and using the opk's just incase I have not ovulated yet, so I will catch it. I hope my husband doesn't read this but I have accidently missed a whole day (2 doses) of my metformin and I wonder if that would throw my ovulation off completely (?).
I just feel like I should give up, at least for this cycle anyway. I thought since I was getting AF all on my own now with just metformin that I didn't need the RE... at least for a while anyway, but now I feel like I cannot do anything without his overpriced help. Have any of you ever been in this situation? I feel like I am stuck in limbo, and right around Christmas and my birthday. Are these standard feelings of the two week wait. I mean, most women know when they ovulated, right? My ovacue confirmed ovulation.. I just don't know if I can trust it. GOD, I REALLY HATE THIS.
I really don't know what to do.
On top of that, I made another blog video the other night that I focused on the cold truths of infertility and my camera died right in the middle of me talking to myself! It didn't even save any of it! I am trying to gather my thoughts back up so I can do another.. but that one was so unscripted and genuine, I felt like it really came from the heart.
It feels like my efforts have gone to hell. And when I get my bfn in a week it will be a big "I told you so"
I just feel like I should give up, at least for this cycle anyway. I thought since I was getting AF all on my own now with just metformin that I didn't need the RE... at least for a while anyway, but now I feel like I cannot do anything without his overpriced help. Have any of you ever been in this situation? I feel like I am stuck in limbo, and right around Christmas and my birthday. Are these standard feelings of the two week wait. I mean, most women know when they ovulated, right? My ovacue confirmed ovulation.. I just don't know if I can trust it. GOD, I REALLY HATE THIS.
I really don't know what to do.
On top of that, I made another blog video the other night that I focused on the cold truths of infertility and my camera died right in the middle of me talking to myself! It didn't even save any of it! I am trying to gather my thoughts back up so I can do another.. but that one was so unscripted and genuine, I felt like it really came from the heart.
It feels like my efforts have gone to hell. And when I get my bfn in a week it will be a big "I told you so"
Friday, December 9, 2011
Youtube infertility vlog
Finally made a youtube video! Check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr-CwKJh9PU&feature=colike
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr-CwKJh9PU&feature=colike
My right side and my wrong side.
Moved a few things around in ovacue and the colors filled in on the calender (you can see it above). So it confirmed ovulation on the 7th. I am currently 2dpo. Isn't it a fight to track down ovulation... Waiting all through af, over analyzing every symptom, blah blah blah.. What sucks is even though I have gone through all of that, all of my ovulation pains have been on my wrong side left side. Even though my RE told me that if I ovulate on the side with no fallopian tube, my right tube could pick it up. Rare, but he said it does happen! So even if I do ovulate and everything is perfect, I could still miss my egg because there is no way to get to it. RE said that he will give me double or maybe even triple time (a year or more) on clomid since I only have one tube. I know what you are thinking, they say it is bad for you to stay on clomid that long, but he said that is a myth.
I wish I could test today... because lets face it, December 21st will be 14dpo and while I doubt i'll wait that long to test (I will probably test 9dpo... I know, bad me) it is going to suck to find out your cycle failed right before Christmas, my birthday (the 27th), and my next doctors appointment (the 28th).
In a way I am glad that we are on an RE break, however at the same time I am angry at myself. It feels like we have reverted back to before we sought out reproductive help. Before I just denied in my mind that there was a problem and that everything would be ok. Then I came to terms with it and went to the obgyn. When we were working with the RE we were doing so well, getting so much done. I knew baby was right around the corner. Now it feels like I am back to "nothings wrong, it will happen eventually". I guess in a way it is good because I am not so stressed out, but I don't feel motivated to get things done either.
I suppose only time will tell. I don't want to get too excited, but its hard not to.
I wish I could test today... because lets face it, December 21st will be 14dpo and while I doubt i'll wait that long to test (I will probably test 9dpo... I know, bad me) it is going to suck to find out your cycle failed right before Christmas, my birthday (the 27th), and my next doctors appointment (the 28th).
In a way I am glad that we are on an RE break, however at the same time I am angry at myself. It feels like we have reverted back to before we sought out reproductive help. Before I just denied in my mind that there was a problem and that everything would be ok. Then I came to terms with it and went to the obgyn. When we were working with the RE we were doing so well, getting so much done. I knew baby was right around the corner. Now it feels like I am back to "nothings wrong, it will happen eventually". I guess in a way it is good because I am not so stressed out, but I don't feel motivated to get things done either.
I suppose only time will tell. I don't want to get too excited, but its hard not to.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
So Excited, I couldn't wait to post!
I wanted to post last night but decided to go to bed since it was late. Since af came unassisted this past time, I have been tracking and looking very closely for ovulation. My ovacue currently doesn't have a clue (haha). Had an issue with it that I will have to talk about I another Post... Anyway I have been interpreting the raw data and it looks like I am going tO ovulate today or tomorrow...woohoo! FYI, I have not been taking anything except metformin.
So my husband is driving me to work right now, it has been snowing all night and hasn't stopped... Isn't that crazy?! It is for Arkansas, that's for sure.
Off to work I go, have a good day!!
So my husband is driving me to work right now, it has been snowing all night and hasn't stopped... Isn't that crazy?! It is for Arkansas, that's for sure.
Off to work I go, have a good day!!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I just love you!
I will always love you as much as I loved you this day
My heart will always melt when you look at me like this
I'll always take your hand
Promise to always make silly faces at me, ok?
Always kiss me goodbye
Eureka Springs will always be our special hide away
How could I ever love you more?
Empty Womb Feelings
There have been several moments where I have attempt to verbalize what infertility means to me. Try to put into words the emotions that I have (and i'm sure the emotions of everyone that goes through this). To have a conversation with someone who is a stranger to a situation like this, who genuinely wants to know how I feel, what its like. I don't know what to say. I mean, yeah we can all say things to try and explain, but for me the words do not do my feelings any justice.
P.S. Today is our 3 year anniversary of TTC (trying to conceive). I hope we are a lot closer today than we were three years ago. I must say, it has been quite the roller coaster. Coming from not knowing why I am not getting pregnant to knowing why and trying new medications and it still not working. We still have our faith and that is something infertility will never take from me.
Until now, I didn't have words to describe this. Now, I think I do.
Infertility to me is like playing the lottery. You can talk all day about what you would do if you won all that money from the lottery. Make imaginary plans for your life, how you would react when you got that "positive result". How am I going to tell everyone? But it doesn't matter because who ever actually wins the lottery??
I make plans for a nursery, we pick out names, and imagine what it will feel like the morning I see those double lines. Truth is though, I feel like that is never going to happen. And not because it isn't happening when I want it to or anything like that... I just feel that I would never be that lucky to win.
So imagine that the only thing in life you ever wanted was to win the lottery... There is nothing you can do to increase your odds... you just play, card after card and you never win.
We feel empty, my husband and I. We love each other more than anything, but something is missing. There is a hole in our hearts and our lives every second. We don't want to create a baby because we want one, (I mean, of course we want a baby!) it is more than that, we want to create a baby together because we love each other so much and it just feels right.. That is something that I cannot explain. I hope that this is a feeling that many couples get, so you understand what I mean when I can't explain it.
So if I had to put into words what I feel like all the time, I would have to say at this exact moment, that is the best I can do to describe it.
And if that day comes when we are lucky enough to win the "lottery of life"...well, I guess I don't know what i'll do, but I can tell you that it will be the happiest day of our lives.
P.S. Today is our 3 year anniversary of TTC (trying to conceive). I hope we are a lot closer today than we were three years ago. I must say, it has been quite the roller coaster. Coming from not knowing why I am not getting pregnant to knowing why and trying new medications and it still not working. We still have our faith and that is something infertility will never take from me.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Yay!
I was so upset the day that the RE called and told me he was holding off all of our treatment until my blood sugar lowered a bit. Went to the family doctor and we started metformin extended release 750 mg twice a day. He said my a1c would be down a point in a month and that should be plenty good enough to start back treatment again. So my appointment is set for December 28th. It just seems like we will never get back on track to start treatment again.
So get this, I woke up in TERRIBLE pain the night before last... Had no idea what was going on. The next day, AF showed up.. without progesterone! Turns out the positive opk I had exactly 14 days before af showed up was truly positive. AHH! Who knows, I may not even need to go back to the RE?! I read that metformin can regulate your cycle and bring on ovulation... but I heard that would take months. I can't believe I started on my own and exactly 14 dpo.. amazing! My husband and I almost started crying yesterday morning, we were so excited and so proud. See, normal couples would not rejoice in a period, but for us it was like winning a gold!!
I know if this keeps up, we are in the home stretch.
On that note I want to congratulate one of my blog buddies who just found out that she was expecting this week! I am so excited for her, and I cannot wait to read all of her updates on her pregnancy! I will be praying for a healthy and exciting 9 months!
So get this, I woke up in TERRIBLE pain the night before last... Had no idea what was going on. The next day, AF showed up.. without progesterone! Turns out the positive opk I had exactly 14 days before af showed up was truly positive. AHH! Who knows, I may not even need to go back to the RE?! I read that metformin can regulate your cycle and bring on ovulation... but I heard that would take months. I can't believe I started on my own and exactly 14 dpo.. amazing! My husband and I almost started crying yesterday morning, we were so excited and so proud. See, normal couples would not rejoice in a period, but for us it was like winning a gold!!
I know if this keeps up, we are in the home stretch.
On that note I want to congratulate one of my blog buddies who just found out that she was expecting this week! I am so excited for her, and I cannot wait to read all of her updates on her pregnancy! I will be praying for a healthy and exciting 9 months!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Product Review: Ovacue Fertility Monitor and Vaginal Sensor
Here are my thoughts and opinions on the Ovacue. I received it a few months ago when I won a contest through my facebook. I thought it would be the end-all testing device to finally get pregnant. I heard a lot a good things about it. Bundled with the vaginal sensor, which I think is a must, it is around $350.00.
I received the monitor a few days before the vaginal sensor ( I think it was because of the person running the contest). The monitor comes with an oral sensor about the size of a teaspoon. You are not suppose to use it until CD (cycle day) 2. Needless to say, I couldn't use it for a few weeks. When I finally did get to use it after a hefty dose of progesterone this is what I believe of it:
I tested every morning with the oral sensor before I got out of bed, just like the instructions told me so. It took about 2 1/2 weeks for the days to color in. It is suppose to predict up to a week in advance when you ovulate, and then with the optional vaginal sensor it is suppose to confirm ovulation.
After your cycle stops then you can use the vaginal sensor every afternoon... At least two hours after being awake and moving, before midnight, and before or 8 hours after having intercourse.
It did "predict" when I would ovulate... based on a woman's average cycle, which I am not an average woman, nor is my cycle.
I emailed their tech support. They were great, but I felt like they could only help me so much. She said that the colors filled in because the monitor picked up that my body had selected a dominate follicle. I knew I probably would not ovulate, but it was cool to see that the monitor was working. I never did get a "conformation of ovulation color block". I skipped ahead to look at the months to come and the colors were already filled in for a few days every month. So are you trying to tell me that my body has selected a follicle for every cycle for the next few months.. yeah.
It did kind of tick me off that it had done this. Made me sort of loose hope in all of it.
Another thing I don't understand is that you can only change information on cycle day two, no matter what, or it will apparently screw everything up. Here is my predicament. I set it so that my cycle length would be 35 days.. My cycles are NEVER predictable so I really have no clue when my new cycle will start. I am currently on cycle day 36 today. But I can't keep testing because it thinks I am on a new cycle and I also cannot go in and change the length. See where I am coming from?
I guess I am glad that I didn't have to spend close to 400$ on this but instead I got it for free. I have heard that it works for a ton of people and im sure it does... just not for me, or at least with the cycles I am having right now.
I received the monitor a few days before the vaginal sensor ( I think it was because of the person running the contest). The monitor comes with an oral sensor about the size of a teaspoon. You are not suppose to use it until CD (cycle day) 2. Needless to say, I couldn't use it for a few weeks. When I finally did get to use it after a hefty dose of progesterone this is what I believe of it:
I tested every morning with the oral sensor before I got out of bed, just like the instructions told me so. It took about 2 1/2 weeks for the days to color in. It is suppose to predict up to a week in advance when you ovulate, and then with the optional vaginal sensor it is suppose to confirm ovulation.
After your cycle stops then you can use the vaginal sensor every afternoon... At least two hours after being awake and moving, before midnight, and before or 8 hours after having intercourse.
It did "predict" when I would ovulate... based on a woman's average cycle, which I am not an average woman, nor is my cycle.
I emailed their tech support. They were great, but I felt like they could only help me so much. She said that the colors filled in because the monitor picked up that my body had selected a dominate follicle. I knew I probably would not ovulate, but it was cool to see that the monitor was working. I never did get a "conformation of ovulation color block". I skipped ahead to look at the months to come and the colors were already filled in for a few days every month. So are you trying to tell me that my body has selected a follicle for every cycle for the next few months.. yeah.
It did kind of tick me off that it had done this. Made me sort of loose hope in all of it.
Another thing I don't understand is that you can only change information on cycle day two, no matter what, or it will apparently screw everything up. Here is my predicament. I set it so that my cycle length would be 35 days.. My cycles are NEVER predictable so I really have no clue when my new cycle will start. I am currently on cycle day 36 today. But I can't keep testing because it thinks I am on a new cycle and I also cannot go in and change the length. See where I am coming from?
I guess I am glad that I didn't have to spend close to 400$ on this but instead I got it for free. I have heard that it works for a ton of people and im sure it does... just not for me, or at least with the cycles I am having right now.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
What The World Needs Now Is Love
The world is so confusing. We are all about everyone being independent, making their own decisions, and being unique. But have you ever noticed how much everyone tries to push their beliefs and ideas on to others? By this I don't mean you shouldn't be able to talk about your opinions, but why when someone chooses something else that you don't necessarily endorse, is it wrong?
For instance, I am sure you all have heard of the TV show on TLC, "19 Kids and Counting". They live just upstate from us, we hear about them a lot. I don't think what they are doing is wrong or crazy. Believe me, they are doing the world a favor. If I could afford 19 kids and God blessed me with that many healthy babies, I would do it in a heartbeat. I think they are great parents and their children are a wonderful example of that. They have unbelievable patience, unshakable faith, and great morals. I think we all could take a lesson from them. They have the financial means to support that family, they are not without, where is the crime? What the world needs now is a great next generation.
I have heard that people were "angry" at the fact that this woman has had so many children and they think that because of that her last child was born premature, as if she had done this on purpose. Ignorance. Thousands of children are born premature everyday. So does society think that that mother should not birth another child because of that, NO! It is a miracle that so many babies are born at term as perfect as they are.
I would be lucky if I could raise my children to be that great of people. They have devoted their life to raising their children, made it into their job... Their life's work. Instead of climbing the ranks at some big company, they have decided to do this. So is a 19+ family for everyone? No. But if more people would take their life to raising their children and instilling morals into those small people, the world would be a lot better of a place. So what are they doing wrong?
She has fallen pregnant again. Due next April, Michelle, 45, calls her latest pregnancy a blessing. "Our whole family is so excited that God has blessed us with another child,". "Each one of our children are thankful to be here!".
There is a reason God is giving that family so many babies, because they are good at raising them!
So is it refreshing to finally have a "famous couple" that can stay married, raise great children and still appreciate a miracle? You're damn straight it is.
P.S. Women have children in their 40's all the time... It is not a crime. Don't believe me, check out your local infertility support groups.
For instance, I am sure you all have heard of the TV show on TLC, "19 Kids and Counting". They live just upstate from us, we hear about them a lot. I don't think what they are doing is wrong or crazy. Believe me, they are doing the world a favor. If I could afford 19 kids and God blessed me with that many healthy babies, I would do it in a heartbeat. I think they are great parents and their children are a wonderful example of that. They have unbelievable patience, unshakable faith, and great morals. I think we all could take a lesson from them. They have the financial means to support that family, they are not without, where is the crime? What the world needs now is a great next generation.
I have heard that people were "angry" at the fact that this woman has had so many children and they think that because of that her last child was born premature, as if she had done this on purpose. Ignorance. Thousands of children are born premature everyday. So does society think that that mother should not birth another child because of that, NO! It is a miracle that so many babies are born at term as perfect as they are.
I would be lucky if I could raise my children to be that great of people. They have devoted their life to raising their children, made it into their job... Their life's work. Instead of climbing the ranks at some big company, they have decided to do this. So is a 19+ family for everyone? No. But if more people would take their life to raising their children and instilling morals into those small people, the world would be a lot better of a place. So what are they doing wrong?
She has fallen pregnant again. Due next April, Michelle, 45, calls her latest pregnancy a blessing. "Our whole family is so excited that God has blessed us with another child,". "Each one of our children are thankful to be here!".
There is a reason God is giving that family so many babies, because they are good at raising them!
So is it refreshing to finally have a "famous couple" that can stay married, raise great children and still appreciate a miracle? You're damn straight it is.
P.S. Women have children in their 40's all the time... It is not a crime. Don't believe me, check out your local infertility support groups.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
A Family Picture
Taken the weekend before Halloween this year at my mom's block party.
My dog, Lilly Bo, was Princess Leia... she had a wig but she didn't like it very much!
Maybe
One day I am going to look back at this blog as I hold my baby and remember every step we took to get there.
I wonder what life will be like after infertility. Not taking pills everyday, injecting yourself with crazy hormones, or over analyzing every test you have ever dipped in urine.
One day I will be so happy that all of this is over.
I wonder what life will be like after infertility. Not taking pills everyday, injecting yourself with crazy hormones, or over analyzing every test you have ever dipped in urine.
One day I will be so happy that all of this is over.
Friday, November 4, 2011
An upside
In a way, I am thankful that my RE has stopped treatment. God must have a special baby picked out for us and he just wants me to be super healthy before we can have it. When I was upset about stopping treatment, it wasn't that I didn't care about not being healthy and getting my blood sugar down, I was just angry that I have something else I have to deal with now.
I'm sure it will be a lot easier now to get rid of my "borderline diabetes" than it would be if I developed gestational diabetes... I want my baby to be the healthiest ever!
I just hope we don't have to go on too long of a break, after all, we did just start working with him in September!
Another way to look at it.. I am starting metformin and, while I was going to start it anyway for PCOS, they say the longer you take it before you start clomid the more receptive your body will be towards it-thus, it is more likely to work. I was going to be on it 3-4 weeks before starting clomid, but now, it may be a few months... Maybe clomid will work a lot better for us!
Who knows, I just hope we can get all of this situated.
I'm sure it will be a lot easier now to get rid of my "borderline diabetes" than it would be if I developed gestational diabetes... I want my baby to be the healthiest ever!
I just hope we don't have to go on too long of a break, after all, we did just start working with him in September!
Another way to look at it.. I am starting metformin and, while I was going to start it anyway for PCOS, they say the longer you take it before you start clomid the more receptive your body will be towards it-thus, it is more likely to work. I was going to be on it 3-4 weeks before starting clomid, but now, it may be a few months... Maybe clomid will work a lot better for us!
Who knows, I just hope we can get all of this situated.
Give me a break, I give up!
Just when I think things have taken a turn for the better, life throws one back at me...again.
My RE was concerned about PCOS elevating my sugar and impairing my insulin so, on our first visit a few months ago, I had an A1c test which showed slightly elevated. Then he wanted me to get a glucose tolerance test. After playing phone tag for a week with my primary care doctor's office finally got me in.
It was a terrible experience. Right off the bat my phlebotomist came out and said that this was his first time ever doing this. I could tell because the glucose he gave me, I think, was too much. I read the instructions and the whole bottle was 100 grams... For pregnant women testing for gestational diabetes they get 100 grams and non pregnant women are suppose to get 80. Needless to say, the guy had no idea and had me drink the whole bottle. After he proceeded to blow both of my garden hose veins in my AC, he said I would get a blood draw every hour. I'm not sure if it makes a difference but he was late 15 minutes past every hour.
Longer story short, I got a voicemail from my RE yesterday stating that my levels were abnormal and they could indicate diabetes. He then said he was stopping my treatment until I could get this under control. WHAT? He is an endocrinologist after all!! He had written me an RX for metformin on our last appointment, I don't understand why he just won't start me on that... I mean, when my family doctor called me with the results he said that's all I would need.
So now after all of the progress we have made with the RE is gone. You know how they say you are most fertile within 3 months after your HSG, that's gone now too. I am so angry.
I had so much hope with my RE, he was so confident in us and now that he is stopped my treatment I feel like I have no hope any more.
Just another thing, I guess, to tack on to our roadblocks.
There is one thing I do not understand. They said my fasting blood sugar was 177; however, I have been checking my fasting blood sugar every day for the past week and the highest that I have ever gotten was 130, the lowest was 88. I am so confused!
All of the goals I set for us this year are now out of reach. What am suppose to do now? I am still losing weight, I am still on my new eating habits- what am I doing wrong? I feel like I am being punished.
God, I don't know what message you are trying to get to me. Can't anything go well? Can't we ever get some good news? Am I supposed to just not care about this? Please, tell me what I am suppose to do...
My RE was concerned about PCOS elevating my sugar and impairing my insulin so, on our first visit a few months ago, I had an A1c test which showed slightly elevated. Then he wanted me to get a glucose tolerance test. After playing phone tag for a week with my primary care doctor's office finally got me in.
It was a terrible experience. Right off the bat my phlebotomist came out and said that this was his first time ever doing this. I could tell because the glucose he gave me, I think, was too much. I read the instructions and the whole bottle was 100 grams... For pregnant women testing for gestational diabetes they get 100 grams and non pregnant women are suppose to get 80. Needless to say, the guy had no idea and had me drink the whole bottle. After he proceeded to blow both of my garden hose veins in my AC, he said I would get a blood draw every hour. I'm not sure if it makes a difference but he was late 15 minutes past every hour.
Longer story short, I got a voicemail from my RE yesterday stating that my levels were abnormal and they could indicate diabetes. He then said he was stopping my treatment until I could get this under control. WHAT? He is an endocrinologist after all!! He had written me an RX for metformin on our last appointment, I don't understand why he just won't start me on that... I mean, when my family doctor called me with the results he said that's all I would need.
So now after all of the progress we have made with the RE is gone. You know how they say you are most fertile within 3 months after your HSG, that's gone now too. I am so angry.
I had so much hope with my RE, he was so confident in us and now that he is stopped my treatment I feel like I have no hope any more.
Just another thing, I guess, to tack on to our roadblocks.
There is one thing I do not understand. They said my fasting blood sugar was 177; however, I have been checking my fasting blood sugar every day for the past week and the highest that I have ever gotten was 130, the lowest was 88. I am so confused!
All of the goals I set for us this year are now out of reach. What am suppose to do now? I am still losing weight, I am still on my new eating habits- what am I doing wrong? I feel like I am being punished.
God, I don't know what message you are trying to get to me. Can't anything go well? Can't we ever get some good news? Am I supposed to just not care about this? Please, tell me what I am suppose to do...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Little PIInk Lines and Friday the 13th
Teetering between positive pregnancy tests and negative pregnancy tests. Yet another chemical pregnancy??
This was an un-medicated cycle, mostly. It was started with provera, but no clomid, yet. So you can imagine my surprise when my fertility monitor showed that I was going to ovulate this month. We monitored daily and did our part. The two week wait came and is still here. I am currently 11 dpo (days past ovulation). Yesterday I took a pregnancy test before heading to work and to our surprise, it was POSITIVE. (!what!). Tried not to get our hopes up and tried to forget about it. I would test later to see what it said. Later that afternoon, same result.
Today, nothing. Another chemical pregnancy it seems. But, Before I give up all hope for this month (and our July Friday the 13th due date) I will continue to test to the recommended 14 days (with my cycle length I should test until the 9th). We will see!
I hope tomorrow will give us a better outcome. I wish these didn't exist, either be negative or positive and stay positive. It is hard enough for all of us Infertiles to get pregnant, but when we do, can we at least carry to term and have a speed bump free pregnancy??
This was an un-medicated cycle, mostly. It was started with provera, but no clomid, yet. So you can imagine my surprise when my fertility monitor showed that I was going to ovulate this month. We monitored daily and did our part. The two week wait came and is still here. I am currently 11 dpo (days past ovulation). Yesterday I took a pregnancy test before heading to work and to our surprise, it was POSITIVE. (!what!). Tried not to get our hopes up and tried to forget about it. I would test later to see what it said. Later that afternoon, same result.
Today, nothing. Another chemical pregnancy it seems. But, Before I give up all hope for this month (and our July Friday the 13th due date) I will continue to test to the recommended 14 days (with my cycle length I should test until the 9th). We will see!
I hope tomorrow will give us a better outcome. I wish these didn't exist, either be negative or positive and stay positive. It is hard enough for all of us Infertiles to get pregnant, but when we do, can we at least carry to term and have a speed bump free pregnancy??
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Torture in October
Yesterday I had my HSG. I have been looking forward to getting this done all year, at the same time I was really nervous. I had a strange feeling that my right tube was not going to be any good either.
My appointment was at 1pm so I worked that morning from 6:30 am to 12:00pm. I have never been so angry at work before. Long story short when I found out when I had to do this (the only day they would do this during the week) I asked someone if they would be able to work my shift for me. She could but the only thing was that she couldn't be in until 1:00 pm. So no one had a problem with this until yesterday morning when the charge nurse flipped out on me... she was so rude and completely unprofessional. As if I wasn't nervous enough already, this person had to show her ass yesterday. My boss (which is over her) is the one that said this was ok, so i'm not worried about getting in "trouble"... but she defiantly didn't help my day go any better.
So pissed off, angry, and nervous I walk to the bathroom before I leave work and I stare into the mirror. I can see the tears building up behind my eyes. I had a feeling of overwhelming fear. Fear of the pain, fear of the results, fear of the fact that this is really happening. I walked out and met my husband, he always makes me feel better. A few minutes later we were at the hospital. We checked in at 12:30 and waited in the lobby for about 20 minutes. Then we went to registration where we were until about 1:15. I thought when we made an appointment for 1pm we would be further along in the process than this. So at 2:15 the radiology assistant finally came to get us.
Fortunately, my husband was allowed to be in the room with me. I changed into their "mini" hospital gown that came about an inch to my upper thigh. We walked to the room and I was instructed to lay on the table. My husband suited up with a lead vest. Moments later a resident and my doctor walked through the door. I didn't know a resident would be doing my procedure. I mean, I work at a university hospital but the fertility clinic that I go to has nothing to do with this hospital. Not that I mind residents or anything, but I wish they would of told me before hand, that way I knew what to expect.
Did I mention she was pregnant?? She was. So was the surgeon that "took out" (i'll explain later) my fallopian tube, the resident I first talked to at the clinic, and the ob/gyn doctor I had to see in the ER. My husband chuckled a little bit in the room... he and I didn't need to say anything, we knew just what the other was thinking.
The resident said she would talk me through every step. Even with the medication, I was still very aware of what was going on. First the speculum, then some weird wet thing that was very painful that I later figured to be some giant wad of 4x4's soaked in betadine (she didn't talk me through that step). Then she says, "ok, your going to feel a big stick and a burn" and i'm like.. what? why? Come to find out that they were numbing my cervix with lidocaine ,injected. But not until about two minutes later did she stick me, so I thought oh ok she did it and I didn't even feel it. No. Talk about pain! My husband later told me that they used a 6 inch 14 gauge needle! ah! What were they doing.. a spinal tap on my cervix? Geeze!
After that the resident didn't tell me anything she was doing. They then inserted a (this is all according to my husband because I couldn't see or remember) "giant metal ET tube looking thing with a ball on one end"- my husbands description. No wonder why it hurt so bad!! Then they injected 20cc's of contrast into my uterus... It was the strangest feeling in the world.
Then the freaky part... are you ready for this??
My RE then says..."so wait, you said you had one of your tubes removed?" and I say, "yes, the left one, the right one should still be there". RE- "well, I see both of your tubes and they are both open. You have both of your tubes"... At that point my heart skipped a few beats and it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. Could this be my bundle branch block or the fact that they just tortured my womanhood? Not at all, its because in June I had a surgery to take my left tube out and now you are telling me it is there?!?!
The RE stared at the screen for minutes trying to figure out what was going on. All he could come up with was that it appeared there was a hole in my left tube... He said he would have to look at my operative report, again, to figure out what was going on.
Scratching his head he said, "we need to see you back in the clinic", and walked out.
Then I attempted the impossible and trying to get off of this table. I did fairly well and made it to the bathroom doubled over. They appropriately had handles on either side of the toilet because I NEEDED THEM! haha, it was terrible. But I was really happy that I have a perfectly normal side!
After that we went to the clinic to get Nate's semen analysis results. Everything looked good with that too.
So we are guessing with the next appointment we will be started on clomid and maybe metformin for my PCOS.
Excited! Haven't scheduled my next appointment yet, but I will probably call today!
My appointment was at 1pm so I worked that morning from 6:30 am to 12:00pm. I have never been so angry at work before. Long story short when I found out when I had to do this (the only day they would do this during the week) I asked someone if they would be able to work my shift for me. She could but the only thing was that she couldn't be in until 1:00 pm. So no one had a problem with this until yesterday morning when the charge nurse flipped out on me... she was so rude and completely unprofessional. As if I wasn't nervous enough already, this person had to show her ass yesterday. My boss (which is over her) is the one that said this was ok, so i'm not worried about getting in "trouble"... but she defiantly didn't help my day go any better.
So pissed off, angry, and nervous I walk to the bathroom before I leave work and I stare into the mirror. I can see the tears building up behind my eyes. I had a feeling of overwhelming fear. Fear of the pain, fear of the results, fear of the fact that this is really happening. I walked out and met my husband, he always makes me feel better. A few minutes later we were at the hospital. We checked in at 12:30 and waited in the lobby for about 20 minutes. Then we went to registration where we were until about 1:15. I thought when we made an appointment for 1pm we would be further along in the process than this. So at 2:15 the radiology assistant finally came to get us.
Fortunately, my husband was allowed to be in the room with me. I changed into their "mini" hospital gown that came about an inch to my upper thigh. We walked to the room and I was instructed to lay on the table. My husband suited up with a lead vest. Moments later a resident and my doctor walked through the door. I didn't know a resident would be doing my procedure. I mean, I work at a university hospital but the fertility clinic that I go to has nothing to do with this hospital. Not that I mind residents or anything, but I wish they would of told me before hand, that way I knew what to expect.
Did I mention she was pregnant?? She was. So was the surgeon that "took out" (i'll explain later) my fallopian tube, the resident I first talked to at the clinic, and the ob/gyn doctor I had to see in the ER. My husband chuckled a little bit in the room... he and I didn't need to say anything, we knew just what the other was thinking.
The resident said she would talk me through every step. Even with the medication, I was still very aware of what was going on. First the speculum, then some weird wet thing that was very painful that I later figured to be some giant wad of 4x4's soaked in betadine (she didn't talk me through that step). Then she says, "ok, your going to feel a big stick and a burn" and i'm like.. what? why? Come to find out that they were numbing my cervix with lidocaine ,injected. But not until about two minutes later did she stick me, so I thought oh ok she did it and I didn't even feel it. No. Talk about pain! My husband later told me that they used a 6 inch 14 gauge needle! ah! What were they doing.. a spinal tap on my cervix? Geeze!
After that the resident didn't tell me anything she was doing. They then inserted a (this is all according to my husband because I couldn't see or remember) "giant metal ET tube looking thing with a ball on one end"- my husbands description. No wonder why it hurt so bad!! Then they injected 20cc's of contrast into my uterus... It was the strangest feeling in the world.
Then the freaky part... are you ready for this??
My RE then says..."so wait, you said you had one of your tubes removed?" and I say, "yes, the left one, the right one should still be there". RE- "well, I see both of your tubes and they are both open. You have both of your tubes"... At that point my heart skipped a few beats and it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. Could this be my bundle branch block or the fact that they just tortured my womanhood? Not at all, its because in June I had a surgery to take my left tube out and now you are telling me it is there?!?!
The RE stared at the screen for minutes trying to figure out what was going on. All he could come up with was that it appeared there was a hole in my left tube... He said he would have to look at my operative report, again, to figure out what was going on.
Scratching his head he said, "we need to see you back in the clinic", and walked out.
Then I attempted the impossible and trying to get off of this table. I did fairly well and made it to the bathroom doubled over. They appropriately had handles on either side of the toilet because I NEEDED THEM! haha, it was terrible. But I was really happy that I have a perfectly normal side!
After that we went to the clinic to get Nate's semen analysis results. Everything looked good with that too.
So we are guessing with the next appointment we will be started on clomid and maybe metformin for my PCOS.
Excited! Haven't scheduled my next appointment yet, but I will probably call today!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Little Feet
Every day that goes by adds another twist to the roller coaster we just boarded.
Recently my days have been so-so. They start off OK and I go through my normal routine. Then all of a sudden something just hits me and I become overwhelmingly sad. I must admit for the past week or so I have made it through my days not thinking about it and pretending this isn't happening.
My goal has been to survive 24 hours at a time, preferably without crying inconsolably.
I believe everyone is entitled to feeling miserable when your life has just thrown a wrench into the works. I don't know how to feel any other way than this. I have to find my footing in all of this "stuff"... I don't know where to turn to. My friends are great, the best even, but I know that they don't know what this is like. I have a feeling that all of my blogs will be depressing until I can re-find who I am.
Who am I? What do I believe in?
I wanted to be a doctor since I can remember. I was going to find the cure for cancer. I did everything I needed to during high school, even got most of my prereq's for med school out of the way my junior and senior year. I was "pen pals" with the dean of a local medical school since 8th grade. He would send me materials to read, things to research. Right at the last minute, I decided that my purpose was something else.
Instead of devoting my life to my career and being one PERSON who wanted to make the world a better place, I decided I wanted to have a big family and to raise my children as great people. PEOPLE that would make a difference, PEOPLE that would change the world.
I opted for a career that would consume less of my time so that I could be available to my family. I gave up (happily) medical school for my future family.
I thought I had it all figured out.
Little did I know that 4 years later I would be where I am wondering if there will ever be any "little feat" at all. I feel like I am expected to be positive and happy. I'm not though. Most people would say I should be happy because I am alive and to be thankful for what I have. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have been given. I do still see the beauty of life... the wind blowing in the trees, vibrant colors in the sky, breathing. To me, it all seems nothing without children. What can I say, I am depressed.
I believe in God. I know He is here. I know He loves me. Sometimes I do question His plan, and I hate myself for it. I don't doubt that people have asked themselves the same question, "why me?"... and I do. Why is this happening...? What life lesson am I suppose to be learning from this...? Will anything ever come by me effortlessly?
This is something I want more than anything. I still feel like I was born to be a doctor sometimes, but I always feel like I was born to be a mother. I am a childless mother. And that's exactly how I feel.
We have a "hope chest" (if you have never heard of this it is a collection of things you save up for when you have children and you store them away). There are, of course, several outfits with firetrucks and ambulances, tiny pink jackets with teddy bears, little rubber ducks... We get all of it at a great price on clearance. What's the use in buying it as soon as it comes out... what's the rush, right? I found a pair of newborn size socks and I found myself lost in thought when I was holding them. What if there are no little feet to fill these little socks? What will my life become...? Will I find a new purpose, a new desire? Now they are laying on my dresser, for some reason I can't find it in me to stash them away.
I have moments of silence every day. I am trying to figure out what it is God wants me to learn before we can become parents. What am I missing?
I had a dream last night that I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. I was feeding him and he looked up at me with the most magical look on his face. In my dream, I was the happiest I have felt in a long time. My heart felt so warm and full. I held this baby so tightly in my arms, all I could see was his face, the rest of the world just didn't matter. In a flash I was holding his sister, just as beautiful as he was. I awoke suddenly to a single tear drop running down my face.
God, please fill my arms... or at least let me have that dream forever.
Recently my days have been so-so. They start off OK and I go through my normal routine. Then all of a sudden something just hits me and I become overwhelmingly sad. I must admit for the past week or so I have made it through my days not thinking about it and pretending this isn't happening.
My goal has been to survive 24 hours at a time, preferably without crying inconsolably.
I believe everyone is entitled to feeling miserable when your life has just thrown a wrench into the works. I don't know how to feel any other way than this. I have to find my footing in all of this "stuff"... I don't know where to turn to. My friends are great, the best even, but I know that they don't know what this is like. I have a feeling that all of my blogs will be depressing until I can re-find who I am.
Who am I? What do I believe in?
I wanted to be a doctor since I can remember. I was going to find the cure for cancer. I did everything I needed to during high school, even got most of my prereq's for med school out of the way my junior and senior year. I was "pen pals" with the dean of a local medical school since 8th grade. He would send me materials to read, things to research. Right at the last minute, I decided that my purpose was something else.
Instead of devoting my life to my career and being one PERSON who wanted to make the world a better place, I decided I wanted to have a big family and to raise my children as great people. PEOPLE that would make a difference, PEOPLE that would change the world.
I opted for a career that would consume less of my time so that I could be available to my family. I gave up (happily) medical school for my future family.
I thought I had it all figured out.
Little did I know that 4 years later I would be where I am wondering if there will ever be any "little feat" at all. I feel like I am expected to be positive and happy. I'm not though. Most people would say I should be happy because I am alive and to be thankful for what I have. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have been given. I do still see the beauty of life... the wind blowing in the trees, vibrant colors in the sky, breathing. To me, it all seems nothing without children. What can I say, I am depressed.
I believe in God. I know He is here. I know He loves me. Sometimes I do question His plan, and I hate myself for it. I don't doubt that people have asked themselves the same question, "why me?"... and I do. Why is this happening...? What life lesson am I suppose to be learning from this...? Will anything ever come by me effortlessly?
This is something I want more than anything. I still feel like I was born to be a doctor sometimes, but I always feel like I was born to be a mother. I am a childless mother. And that's exactly how I feel.
We have a "hope chest" (if you have never heard of this it is a collection of things you save up for when you have children and you store them away). There are, of course, several outfits with firetrucks and ambulances, tiny pink jackets with teddy bears, little rubber ducks... We get all of it at a great price on clearance. What's the use in buying it as soon as it comes out... what's the rush, right? I found a pair of newborn size socks and I found myself lost in thought when I was holding them. What if there are no little feet to fill these little socks? What will my life become...? Will I find a new purpose, a new desire? Now they are laying on my dresser, for some reason I can't find it in me to stash them away.
I have moments of silence every day. I am trying to figure out what it is God wants me to learn before we can become parents. What am I missing?
I had a dream last night that I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. I was feeding him and he looked up at me with the most magical look on his face. In my dream, I was the happiest I have felt in a long time. My heart felt so warm and full. I held this baby so tightly in my arms, all I could see was his face, the rest of the world just didn't matter. In a flash I was holding his sister, just as beautiful as he was. I awoke suddenly to a single tear drop running down my face.
God, please fill my arms... or at least let me have that dream forever.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Fur Mommy
I have to wake up at 4am to go to work (ahh!), I should be going to sleep but I wanted to put some pictures up of our fur-baby!
This is Lilly! She is two years old. We adopted her March of '09 from the shelter when she was just 11 weeks old. She is very playful and loves car trips and toys... as you can see, her baby is on the floor next to her feet. We have no idea what kind of dog she is, we have heard mini greyhound..?? We have been looking to get her a friend... but we just can't find the right dog to fit into our family. She has decided she would like a little brother or sister though :D . She LOVES babies, she is so sweet and gentle and kind with them. We think she would of been a great mom, but the shelter made us get her fixed :((
She comforts me when Nate is at work over night. She cuddles me when I cry and makes me laugh. She is my best buddy!
When she was just a few months old, we found out that Lilly Bug had parvo. She had to stay at the vets for days to get treatment.. They didn't think she would live... Mom and dad were very sad. But she pulled through and when we brought her home we had tons of new toys for her including a stuffed loofa dog that was 3 times the size she was!
Her favorite place to go is Memphis..yep. We took her on vacation there once. We stayed in a Hilton on the 30th floor with windows from the floor to the ceiling... She loved to look out that window.
I don't know how, but she always seems to know what is going on. When I was pregnant in January/February she loved to lay her head on my belly, maybe it was coincidence? And then when I was having a miscarriage she never let me out of her sight, she stayed right on my tummy. She seemed more upset than we did.
She is our Lilly, (Lilly Bug, Lilly Bo, Lilly Boo Sue, sometimes we even call her nugget). We love her so much and I couldn't imagine my life without her!!!
This is Lilly! She is two years old. We adopted her March of '09 from the shelter when she was just 11 weeks old. She is very playful and loves car trips and toys... as you can see, her baby is on the floor next to her feet. We have no idea what kind of dog she is, we have heard mini greyhound..?? We have been looking to get her a friend... but we just can't find the right dog to fit into our family. She has decided she would like a little brother or sister though :D . She LOVES babies, she is so sweet and gentle and kind with them. We think she would of been a great mom, but the shelter made us get her fixed :((
She comforts me when Nate is at work over night. She cuddles me when I cry and makes me laugh. She is my best buddy!
When she was just a few months old, we found out that Lilly Bug had parvo. She had to stay at the vets for days to get treatment.. They didn't think she would live... Mom and dad were very sad. But she pulled through and when we brought her home we had tons of new toys for her including a stuffed loofa dog that was 3 times the size she was!
Her favorite place to go is Memphis..yep. We took her on vacation there once. We stayed in a Hilton on the 30th floor with windows from the floor to the ceiling... She loved to look out that window.
I don't know how, but she always seems to know what is going on. When I was pregnant in January/February she loved to lay her head on my belly, maybe it was coincidence? And then when I was having a miscarriage she never let me out of her sight, she stayed right on my tummy. She seemed more upset than we did.
She is our Lilly, (Lilly Bug, Lilly Bo, Lilly Boo Sue, sometimes we even call her nugget). We love her so much and I couldn't imagine my life without her!!!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
A woman and her situation
Today we went to the RE's for a semen analysis. As I sat patiently in the waiting room I glanced around at everyone that was there. It still gets me that there are other people in our area going through the same thing that we are. As there are no support groups (or none that I have found) in my state, it always seems like we are alone down here in the South.
I could feel all of the women staring at me... I can only imagine what they are thinking like ,"what is she doing here, she is too young to be here". I know it is most likely my insecurities that fill my mind with those accusations. I am pretty sure we are the youngest couple that is currently undergoing treatment and I feel like I have to defend myself for it. I am hoping one day I will not care about what anyone thinks of me or our situation.
On another note I am getting tired of hearing people's ignorant comments and suggestions. I truly do appreciate when people offer up advice and it is sweet when someone says something to try and make me feel better. However, you think it would be common sense to keep your words positive.
I do understand that this is a "different" situation for everyone involved and I don't want anyone to feel pressured that they have to say something to me about this.
Take this for example, the other day someone that I am friends with came straight up to me and said ," just face it, you are really messed up and you are not ever going to get pregnant. You might as well go ahead and start the adoption process since it takes a year.". WHO SAYS THAT?? I felt this was particularly rude and uncalled for. If you feel like you need to say something but can't quite find the words something like ,"I am thinking about you" or even just, "how are you doing with everything". Please do not ever say something to me that you don't know about... My doctor who is top notch has the highest confidence in our case so I don't think you have the right to tell me I will never get pregnant. We will not lose hope, don't encourage us to give up.
In case anyone is wondering here is our plan of action. Fertility treatment is not something that happens quickly... it is a process. First, we need to wait for all of our tests to result. The doctor thinks I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. PCOS causes a ton of things, among those is insulin resistance. Therefore, I have to do a glucose tolerance test to see how fast my body can metabolize it. We are pretty sure he is going to put me on something called Metformin which is an insulin sensitizer. For some people this medication can reverse effects within a few doses, with others it can take months. We have to wait for the results of the semen analysis. If there is a low sperm count, we will have to do Intrauterine Insemination or IUI or Invitro Fertilization or IVF. As most of you know I had one of my fallopian tubes removed... I will undergo a procedure called hystosteriosalphingogram or HSG. This will determine if my other tube is open. If it is I will start a medication called Clomid which forces your body to ovulate. You can only use this medication a max of 6 months or else your chances of ovarian cancer go up. If it is closed we have to go straight to IVF.
Once we have all of this information we will go through the treatments required for each situation for most likely years (hopefully it will not take that long, but for a lot of people, it does). Then surrogacy then adoption.
Yes, we know there a lot of children out there with no parents that need love. We are not against adoption, after all, my husband is adopted! However, we would like to try to have our own child.
There are a lot of people out there who are against us for doing this. Quite frankly, we choose to ignore you. As a couple we have gone through many things together in the past four years and they have only made us stronger. We love each other so much, words cannot sum it up. We are doing this together, hand in hand.
Thank you to everyone out there who has been sweet and supportive, you will never know what it means to us.
I could feel all of the women staring at me... I can only imagine what they are thinking like ,"what is she doing here, she is too young to be here". I know it is most likely my insecurities that fill my mind with those accusations. I am pretty sure we are the youngest couple that is currently undergoing treatment and I feel like I have to defend myself for it. I am hoping one day I will not care about what anyone thinks of me or our situation.
On another note I am getting tired of hearing people's ignorant comments and suggestions. I truly do appreciate when people offer up advice and it is sweet when someone says something to try and make me feel better. However, you think it would be common sense to keep your words positive.
I do understand that this is a "different" situation for everyone involved and I don't want anyone to feel pressured that they have to say something to me about this.
Take this for example, the other day someone that I am friends with came straight up to me and said ," just face it, you are really messed up and you are not ever going to get pregnant. You might as well go ahead and start the adoption process since it takes a year.". WHO SAYS THAT?? I felt this was particularly rude and uncalled for. If you feel like you need to say something but can't quite find the words something like ,"I am thinking about you" or even just, "how are you doing with everything". Please do not ever say something to me that you don't know about... My doctor who is top notch has the highest confidence in our case so I don't think you have the right to tell me I will never get pregnant. We will not lose hope, don't encourage us to give up.
In case anyone is wondering here is our plan of action. Fertility treatment is not something that happens quickly... it is a process. First, we need to wait for all of our tests to result. The doctor thinks I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. PCOS causes a ton of things, among those is insulin resistance. Therefore, I have to do a glucose tolerance test to see how fast my body can metabolize it. We are pretty sure he is going to put me on something called Metformin which is an insulin sensitizer. For some people this medication can reverse effects within a few doses, with others it can take months. We have to wait for the results of the semen analysis. If there is a low sperm count, we will have to do Intrauterine Insemination or IUI or Invitro Fertilization or IVF. As most of you know I had one of my fallopian tubes removed... I will undergo a procedure called hystosteriosalphingogram or HSG. This will determine if my other tube is open. If it is I will start a medication called Clomid which forces your body to ovulate. You can only use this medication a max of 6 months or else your chances of ovarian cancer go up. If it is closed we have to go straight to IVF.
Once we have all of this information we will go through the treatments required for each situation for most likely years (hopefully it will not take that long, but for a lot of people, it does). Then surrogacy then adoption.
Yes, we know there a lot of children out there with no parents that need love. We are not against adoption, after all, my husband is adopted! However, we would like to try to have our own child.
There are a lot of people out there who are against us for doing this. Quite frankly, we choose to ignore you. As a couple we have gone through many things together in the past four years and they have only made us stronger. We love each other so much, words cannot sum it up. We are doing this together, hand in hand.
Thank you to everyone out there who has been sweet and supportive, you will never know what it means to us.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Here We Go
I know it has been a while since I typed my last blog post. This past Monday, the 19th we met with with our Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have been looking online at this place since I found out we were going here. Some stuff I read about it was really good, some, not so good. To say the least, we were nervous.
As we walked back to the exam room my hands were shaking! Eventually we were taken back into the RE's office. The game plan for the day was an ultrasound and pelvic exam and depending on what we found with that would determine what our next move was. The ultrasound showed that I have some cysts on my cervix, but they said that is completely normal and a lot of people have them, it should have no bearing on trying to conceive. He said my uterus looked great. When we got to my ovaries he said they had the classic "string of pearls" appearance that Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). He also said that I have plenty of eggs/follicles in each of my ovaries.
I am glad I did plenty of research on PCOS and I had pretty much diagnosed myself with it-so I wasn't really shocked or anything. The RE said he wasn't 100% sure that it was PCOS but it was a great possibility. He went ahead and prescribed me Provera once a day for 12 days to kick start my cycle (I was on day 72 (!!!) at this appointment). He was going to give me Clomid but we are going to do a hysterosalphingogram or HSG before that... There is no since in inducing ovulation if your tubes or in my case tube isn't even open.
So I have to wait for the first day of my cycle to call and schedule the HSG. I am on the 5th pill today, I think. So about another week and a half and I can schedule it. Also, since my husband had an undescended testicle that was corrected when he was an infant, the doctor is concerned about male factor infertility. He has an appointment for a semen analysis this coming up Wednesday. He is nervous that his count may be low- or non-existent. We have been talking about what we will do if that is the case... donor sperm I guess but we are not going to think too much about this until we have some solid answers.
The RE we have is amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. He made us feel important, like he really cared about our situation and is going to do whatever it takes to solve this puzzle. He is very sweet.
When we were leaving the office we were handed a price list. As many of you know, most insurance companies in this country do not cover any type of fertility treatment. We are lucky in that our insurance company covers 1 office visit, 1 HSG, 1 round of blood work, 1 post coital test, 1 semen analysis and something else that I can't think of at the moment. 15 states have mandates concerning infertility. Arkansas has a mandate that states insurance companies must cover testing to diagnose fertility (the one of each list that I put above) and one round of IVF, medications not included. Medications for an IVF cycle can be around $6,000 once it is all said and done. People think that these mandates are great.. I think it is crappy. They will pay part of the fee to diagnose you with something and then kick you to the curb when it comes for treatment.
The down side is we are on our own for the rest. The office visit charge is anywhere from $150-$350, just for the visit. This fee does not include any procedure or test performed during the visit. Also, an intrauterine insemination is only $190 (a great price). For 12 pills ( a months supply) is only $3 for me. A months supply for Clomid (about 5 pills) will be around $15. I guess it is a lot better than we were expecting. This we can afford. We are going to be in trouble though if the Clomid or trigger shots don't work and we have to do invitro fertilization or IVF.
If anyone that is having to go through treatment wants a copy of my price list, just let me know and I will send one to you.
I drink raspberry leaf tea - it is suppose to strengthen the uterus and increase blood flow to the pelvic organs among some other great things. On every bag of tea there is a quote, like this one above.
As we walked back to the exam room my hands were shaking! Eventually we were taken back into the RE's office. The game plan for the day was an ultrasound and pelvic exam and depending on what we found with that would determine what our next move was. The ultrasound showed that I have some cysts on my cervix, but they said that is completely normal and a lot of people have them, it should have no bearing on trying to conceive. He said my uterus looked great. When we got to my ovaries he said they had the classic "string of pearls" appearance that Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). He also said that I have plenty of eggs/follicles in each of my ovaries.
I am glad I did plenty of research on PCOS and I had pretty much diagnosed myself with it-so I wasn't really shocked or anything. The RE said he wasn't 100% sure that it was PCOS but it was a great possibility. He went ahead and prescribed me Provera once a day for 12 days to kick start my cycle (I was on day 72 (!!!) at this appointment). He was going to give me Clomid but we are going to do a hysterosalphingogram or HSG before that... There is no since in inducing ovulation if your tubes or in my case tube isn't even open.
So I have to wait for the first day of my cycle to call and schedule the HSG. I am on the 5th pill today, I think. So about another week and a half and I can schedule it. Also, since my husband had an undescended testicle that was corrected when he was an infant, the doctor is concerned about male factor infertility. He has an appointment for a semen analysis this coming up Wednesday. He is nervous that his count may be low- or non-existent. We have been talking about what we will do if that is the case... donor sperm I guess but we are not going to think too much about this until we have some solid answers.
The RE we have is amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. He made us feel important, like he really cared about our situation and is going to do whatever it takes to solve this puzzle. He is very sweet.
When we were leaving the office we were handed a price list. As many of you know, most insurance companies in this country do not cover any type of fertility treatment. We are lucky in that our insurance company covers 1 office visit, 1 HSG, 1 round of blood work, 1 post coital test, 1 semen analysis and something else that I can't think of at the moment. 15 states have mandates concerning infertility. Arkansas has a mandate that states insurance companies must cover testing to diagnose fertility (the one of each list that I put above) and one round of IVF, medications not included. Medications for an IVF cycle can be around $6,000 once it is all said and done. People think that these mandates are great.. I think it is crappy. They will pay part of the fee to diagnose you with something and then kick you to the curb when it comes for treatment.
The down side is we are on our own for the rest. The office visit charge is anywhere from $150-$350, just for the visit. This fee does not include any procedure or test performed during the visit. Also, an intrauterine insemination is only $190 (a great price). For 12 pills ( a months supply) is only $3 for me. A months supply for Clomid (about 5 pills) will be around $15. I guess it is a lot better than we were expecting. This we can afford. We are going to be in trouble though if the Clomid or trigger shots don't work and we have to do invitro fertilization or IVF.
If anyone that is having to go through treatment wants a copy of my price list, just let me know and I will send one to you.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
A Doctor "Dis"Appointment...
So our doctor's appointment with the OB/GYN was this past Tuesday, the 6th. We were expecting to start some sort of Provera/Clomid combination.
I suppose my expectations were way too high going into this appointment. When we got into the exam room and our doctor came in he seemed so concerned and was asking me questions about my cycles and everything and I told him, I believe the problem is that I am just not ovulating. I think that if we can give my body a push, we would have a chance at this. Instead, he flat out refused to do anything. He said (this is the doctor that did my surgery), "Since you had your Fallopian tube taken out and your cycles are not regular, I don't think that there is anything I can do for you." I was floored! I asked him, "Can't we at least regulate my cycles and maybe try Clomid?" He explained to us that he was too afraid to do anything because he wasn't sure what the Fertility Specialist would want to do since this wasn't his area of expertise, then went into a rant about class-action lawsuits and people being sue-happy with Clomid. This is coming from a doctor who was the founder for most of the OB/GYN programs at this hospital/school. He made a call center for OB/GYN patients.. HE IS AN OB/GYN... Doesn't he know that being in this field alone is more risky than any other?! Then he has the nerve to tell me that he is afraid??
I'll admit, I did get a little teary-eyed in the office. He sent me right across the hallway where the receptionist was already on the line with the fertility clinic. I was already so nervous about this place- this is the only fertility clinic in the state, so it's not like we have options. They were very cut and dry. They wanted my name, my insurance, and what I was being referred for. When the receptionist said "infertility" I couldn't hold it in. I think this is the first time in a clinical environment that anyone has said this related to me. Even the lady that was out in the hallway started to get choked up.
They even told her to tell me to be sure to bring my marriage license with me to my first appointment; isn't that weird?! Has anyone else ever had to deal with something like that? I mean, I am married so it's not like I am worried about that. I suppose the fact that they would ask for something like that seems irrelevant and it makes me feel like they are cold-hearted or something...
This person right here walked out of the office and through the waiting room with a wrinkled up tissue in hand and tears in her eyes... Maybe I made the people in the waiting room wonder what happened; made them feel like perhaps they came to the wrong place. Maybe for them too this place will become the office of broken dreams...
For the rest of the day I felt so numb. Like, what am I suppose to do now? Fortunately, Arkansas is one of 15 states with a mandate in place for fertility treatments. UNfortunately, it is only $15,000 and only covers IVF- without meds. It's not like we want to start at the top of the list with the most expensive and invasive treatment. So for now we have to pay all expenses out of pocket because this mandated money will not kick in until we have tried everything else and then it will only cover one cycle of IVF. So we want to try Clomid first and work our way up.
At least today I didn't cry as much, but it seems so much easier now to get sad. I guess before we were actually referred to the "broken reproductive organs" clinic, I was hoping we would never have to get to the point where we would actually have to go there. I was sad before yesterday, but not nearly sad as I am now. I almost feel like a completely different person.
I woke up this morning to my husband searching for infertility insurance and Rx discount plans. He was so into it and determined to find something. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there was nothing out there for us. Everything you find about it doesn't apply to patients or clinics in Arkansas.
Right now I guess we are going to wait to see what this first visit brings us, it is on the 19th of this month. We are also looking into getting supplemental insurance that will cover ALL infertility diagnostic testing and treatment. However, if you are diagnosed with infertility before insurance coverage takes effect, they consider it a "preexisting condition" and coverage for IF treatment will not start for 12 months. Keep in mind though, we have not received an official diagnosis of infertility, yet. So hopefully we can get it going before that comes up.
We are defiantly doing our research and getting our ducks in a row before this appointment. I can't imagine them having many patients our age- or maybe any at all, but we are going to go in there ready to fight this, we just hope they have the same attitude and are ready to fight this with us.
On a plus, the doctor I am going to see studied OB/GYN at Johns Hopkins and was the president and everything of a ton of stuff regarding gynecology and infertility. He founded the clinic I will be going to and is responsible for most IVF's done in this state.
Please, God, let this work for us.
I suppose my expectations were way too high going into this appointment. When we got into the exam room and our doctor came in he seemed so concerned and was asking me questions about my cycles and everything and I told him, I believe the problem is that I am just not ovulating. I think that if we can give my body a push, we would have a chance at this. Instead, he flat out refused to do anything. He said (this is the doctor that did my surgery), "Since you had your Fallopian tube taken out and your cycles are not regular, I don't think that there is anything I can do for you." I was floored! I asked him, "Can't we at least regulate my cycles and maybe try Clomid?" He explained to us that he was too afraid to do anything because he wasn't sure what the Fertility Specialist would want to do since this wasn't his area of expertise, then went into a rant about class-action lawsuits and people being sue-happy with Clomid. This is coming from a doctor who was the founder for most of the OB/GYN programs at this hospital/school. He made a call center for OB/GYN patients.. HE IS AN OB/GYN... Doesn't he know that being in this field alone is more risky than any other?! Then he has the nerve to tell me that he is afraid??
I'll admit, I did get a little teary-eyed in the office. He sent me right across the hallway where the receptionist was already on the line with the fertility clinic. I was already so nervous about this place- this is the only fertility clinic in the state, so it's not like we have options. They were very cut and dry. They wanted my name, my insurance, and what I was being referred for. When the receptionist said "infertility" I couldn't hold it in. I think this is the first time in a clinical environment that anyone has said this related to me. Even the lady that was out in the hallway started to get choked up.
They even told her to tell me to be sure to bring my marriage license with me to my first appointment; isn't that weird?! Has anyone else ever had to deal with something like that? I mean, I am married so it's not like I am worried about that. I suppose the fact that they would ask for something like that seems irrelevant and it makes me feel like they are cold-hearted or something...
This person right here walked out of the office and through the waiting room with a wrinkled up tissue in hand and tears in her eyes... Maybe I made the people in the waiting room wonder what happened; made them feel like perhaps they came to the wrong place. Maybe for them too this place will become the office of broken dreams...
For the rest of the day I felt so numb. Like, what am I suppose to do now? Fortunately, Arkansas is one of 15 states with a mandate in place for fertility treatments. UNfortunately, it is only $15,000 and only covers IVF- without meds. It's not like we want to start at the top of the list with the most expensive and invasive treatment. So for now we have to pay all expenses out of pocket because this mandated money will not kick in until we have tried everything else and then it will only cover one cycle of IVF. So we want to try Clomid first and work our way up.
At least today I didn't cry as much, but it seems so much easier now to get sad. I guess before we were actually referred to the "broken reproductive organs" clinic, I was hoping we would never have to get to the point where we would actually have to go there. I was sad before yesterday, but not nearly sad as I am now. I almost feel like a completely different person.
I woke up this morning to my husband searching for infertility insurance and Rx discount plans. He was so into it and determined to find something. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there was nothing out there for us. Everything you find about it doesn't apply to patients or clinics in Arkansas.
Right now I guess we are going to wait to see what this first visit brings us, it is on the 19th of this month. We are also looking into getting supplemental insurance that will cover ALL infertility diagnostic testing and treatment. However, if you are diagnosed with infertility before insurance coverage takes effect, they consider it a "preexisting condition" and coverage for IF treatment will not start for 12 months. Keep in mind though, we have not received an official diagnosis of infertility, yet. So hopefully we can get it going before that comes up.
We are defiantly doing our research and getting our ducks in a row before this appointment. I can't imagine them having many patients our age- or maybe any at all, but we are going to go in there ready to fight this, we just hope they have the same attitude and are ready to fight this with us.
On a plus, the doctor I am going to see studied OB/GYN at Johns Hopkins and was the president and everything of a ton of stuff regarding gynecology and infertility. He founded the clinic I will be going to and is responsible for most IVF's done in this state.
Please, God, let this work for us.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I miss you, fallopian tube..
So none of us ever thought it would be this hard to have a baby, right?! We knew it would be a fairy tale- we would fall in love with the man of our dreams, have a perfect wedding, and then have beautiful babies from a non-complicated pregnancy. It's so weird to see what paths we are going down now. How no one that has to go through this will every truly understand what it is to go through this. Infertility isn't something I would wish on my biggest enemy.. well.. maybe it is..
As most of you know our infertility journey started with a miscarriage and an ultrasound. When I was told I had a hyrdrosalphinx it was from my family doctor. Don't get me wrong, I trust this man with my life. I worked with him in the ER before he became my PCP. However, when he came into the exam room on that day he walked in all confident, like he had found my problem and everything was going to be ok now. He told me, so I think I know what you have, it is called hydrosalphinx and basically what it is, is when something gets stuck in your fallopian tube and fluid backs up behind it.. the egg can't get through and sometimes the fluid leaks and causes miscarriages. So I think this is the reason for your infertility...but its ok because it is a really easy fix and you shouldn't have many problems after this. So I believed him.. I thought, alright, easy fix!!!
I had to go into work after that and I googled it. What I found changed my life forever. What I was not told is that in most cases it has to be surgically removed. Thus, cutting your chances for conception in half. I cried, right there in the back office at my job, I cried.. I didn't care who was around me, I cried. I had to face patients all day with a smile. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
A few weeks later I was in the office at my obgyn's and he said, no, we cannot drain it, we have to take it out. We need to do it asap, I have next friday open. In two seconds my husband and I were speechless. My doctor walked out and there again, I cried.
He decided to do an endometrial biopsy that day. He told me I would experience some mild period-like cramping. If you know my periods, we are all for some mild cramping because usually, my periods are debilitating. The procedure consisted of a long catheter type tube that had some sort of suction on the other end of it. He inserted it through the speculum and through the cervix into my uterus. Then he says, ok some slight discomfort. It felt like he was sucking my organs out of me!! slight discomfort?! I felt terrible!! After it was done I could not feel my lower half. I had to lay there for half an hour while the nurse gave me some meds. When the pain went away enough for me to get up, we went across the hallway to schedule my surgery. I had a feeling that I would have to be intubated (when they knock you out and stick a tube down your throat so they can breathe for you) but I was hoping that maybe they would just bag me ( a "bag valve mask" they can use with a mask just over your face and nose to breathe for you with out using a tube- very noninvasive).. but no, they told me I would be intubated and the procedure would last between an hour to two hours. I cried again.
My mind associates intubation with near-death. I could not think about myself unconscious with a tube stuck down my throat.. Very scary stuff.
I was told if the pain did not go away or I began to bleed excessively to call this number. Later that night I was bleeding so much I could not leave the bathroom, my pain was unbearable. I remember being balled up in the bathroom floor. I called the number and the person I spoke to contacted my doctor and they wanted me in the ER right away. Not only is this ER the one that I work in, but I knew they were going to have to do a vaginal exam... Great way to get to know your coworkers. When I arrived there we went back into a room where I was connected to a monitor and given fluids to compensate for my blood loss. My b/p at this point was 105/55, not bad, but certainly a lot lower than my 130/90 that I run. I felt like I was going to pass out every time I blinked. ER's are very busy and as you know if you have ever been a patient in one, the staff is not in there every minute- Nate and I had some time to mull over everything that had happened that day. He was so quiet and when I asked him what was wrong he started to cry. He told me that he was afraid. He was afraid that I had to go through all of this and go through surgery, especially on such short notice, he was afraid that something would go worng. After all of that was a haze, mostly because the doctor gave me some pain meds that actually worked and dulled my pain. Thankfully, when my blood results came back my levels were good, 35 and 10.5 . The obgyn came down and saw me and said my cervix was still dilated a lot more than it should be. She said she wasnt worried and sent me home with instructions to call the number again if it was this bad the next day. She said there was no way this would keep on through the night.
The next day I began to feel worse, bleeding more than the previous day. I called the number and they had me return to the ER. I was humiliated! I did not want to go back again to this place just to be looked at like I did not need to be there ( that is how I felt anyway).. but on the other hand, I did not want something to be wrong with me that needed to be taken care of in a hospital. This time, they checked my blood counts, 32 and 9.5 , gave me pain med, sent me home. I was told, if something happens or this does not resolve by tomorrow, come back.
Frustrated, we went home to deal with this for another night. I know there was nothing else the ER could do for me, but I was still frustrated at the fact that I had to keep going through this for God knows how long.
The next day I was at my moms house with my husband. In the past two days I had been so sleepy. I was taking several naps throughout the day. So when I was at my moms, I fell asleep.. We all did! A little while later I woke up to my mom feeling my face and saying ," you are burning up!! Jenna, you have a fever!" Worried, I got up and took my temp. 102.9. I woke my husband up and asked him what we should do.. So we whipped out the number and called.. Surely, they would just have me take some tylenol and make an appointment. But no, coupled with the fever, pain, and bleeding that has been worse than it was before, they had me go back to the ER.. again! I cannot tell you how angry I was (after the fact)!!! At that point though honestly, I didn't care about anything.. I felt terrible, I was sweating so bad and I could hardly stand. My mom and husband had to basically carry my to the car where I laid down in the back seat on the drive to the hospital. I thought I was going to puke the whole time.. It felt much much worse than morning sickness. When we got there I don't really remember much. I remember laying down and a doctor feeling my stomach and then the lights were out and I had a CT, other than that.. it was all a blur. CT showed nothing and I was sent home. My blood count was 30 and 8.9,They said my white blood counts were not elevated and they didnt know why I had a fever. My cervix was still dilated-which was very weird.
That next friday, June the 3rd I arrived at the hospital at 10 am for my surgery. This was all very unknown for me. I was so afraid. Two hours went by with me and my family sitting in pre-op with air socks on my legs and fluids running. Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye. Being wheeled into the OR was probably the scariest moment of my life. I had no one there with me. Everyone was talking about me, around me, as if I wasnt there.. I even remember the endotrachial tube being slapped onto my chest.. Talk about wanting to make someone feel uncomfortable. I was on the verge of tears. Then one of the nurses grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and asked me how I was doing, if I was afraid.. I told everyone in the room, yes I a very nervous, But i am excited too..because this is a good thing, this is a start to a great thing!Im so thankful to her. Then a mask was smacked onto my face. I remember thinking it is going to take forever for them to put me out, but just a few whiffs of that stuff and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room.
I was in so much pain! Unfortunately I had the meanest nurse at this point who seemed to not give a damn about me as her patient. I was crying in so much pain, and she told me to get over it because she had had two c-sections and I had nothing to cry about.. WHAT?!?!
The doctor briefed my family on what went on and said everything went fine. There was something that surprised them though, I had a 10cm cyst INSIDE of my fallopian tube. YEah.. So they tell me that was the source of the pain I have been feeling for months, and most likely the reason for my miscarriages. I have pictures of it! It was hiding behind my uterus, so it did not show up on the CT I had done in the ER.
It took me a good solid week to feel much better. By that point it was a major accomplishment to walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet without help.
I was not sad about losing a part of me at that time. I felt like I would get pregnant again soon and I would carry to term. The doctor wanted me to wait 3 months before coming back to start treatment because he was sure I was going to get pregnant again. Here I am, one day to the 3 month mark and I am not pregnant. My appointment is on the 6th. I am sad about loosing it now. Every time I think about it, I want to cry. I'm not sure if it is because I lost something that I feel like no one my age should have to loose or the fact that I did the math. At this point, I have a non-induced period every 4 months. Thats 3 cycles a year. Assuming I ovulate with those 3 cycles, I have 1.5 chance of getting pregnant a year... If at least one of those times I ovulate on the side that I have a tube.. Every cycle you have between 12-24 hours to conceive with ovulation. I could have 48hours every two years to get pregnant. I cry when I think about that. I feel sorry for myself when I think about that. It is unfair, and it just seems wrong. I will not feel sorry for myself- this will not define me.
I am praying that we formulate a good plan at my upcoming appointment. I am very nervous, but hopeful.
As most of you know our infertility journey started with a miscarriage and an ultrasound. When I was told I had a hyrdrosalphinx it was from my family doctor. Don't get me wrong, I trust this man with my life. I worked with him in the ER before he became my PCP. However, when he came into the exam room on that day he walked in all confident, like he had found my problem and everything was going to be ok now. He told me, so I think I know what you have, it is called hydrosalphinx and basically what it is, is when something gets stuck in your fallopian tube and fluid backs up behind it.. the egg can't get through and sometimes the fluid leaks and causes miscarriages. So I think this is the reason for your infertility...but its ok because it is a really easy fix and you shouldn't have many problems after this. So I believed him.. I thought, alright, easy fix!!!
I had to go into work after that and I googled it. What I found changed my life forever. What I was not told is that in most cases it has to be surgically removed. Thus, cutting your chances for conception in half. I cried, right there in the back office at my job, I cried.. I didn't care who was around me, I cried. I had to face patients all day with a smile. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
A few weeks later I was in the office at my obgyn's and he said, no, we cannot drain it, we have to take it out. We need to do it asap, I have next friday open. In two seconds my husband and I were speechless. My doctor walked out and there again, I cried.
He decided to do an endometrial biopsy that day. He told me I would experience some mild period-like cramping. If you know my periods, we are all for some mild cramping because usually, my periods are debilitating. The procedure consisted of a long catheter type tube that had some sort of suction on the other end of it. He inserted it through the speculum and through the cervix into my uterus. Then he says, ok some slight discomfort. It felt like he was sucking my organs out of me!! slight discomfort?! I felt terrible!! After it was done I could not feel my lower half. I had to lay there for half an hour while the nurse gave me some meds. When the pain went away enough for me to get up, we went across the hallway to schedule my surgery. I had a feeling that I would have to be intubated (when they knock you out and stick a tube down your throat so they can breathe for you) but I was hoping that maybe they would just bag me ( a "bag valve mask" they can use with a mask just over your face and nose to breathe for you with out using a tube- very noninvasive).. but no, they told me I would be intubated and the procedure would last between an hour to two hours. I cried again.
My mind associates intubation with near-death. I could not think about myself unconscious with a tube stuck down my throat.. Very scary stuff.
I was told if the pain did not go away or I began to bleed excessively to call this number. Later that night I was bleeding so much I could not leave the bathroom, my pain was unbearable. I remember being balled up in the bathroom floor. I called the number and the person I spoke to contacted my doctor and they wanted me in the ER right away. Not only is this ER the one that I work in, but I knew they were going to have to do a vaginal exam... Great way to get to know your coworkers. When I arrived there we went back into a room where I was connected to a monitor and given fluids to compensate for my blood loss. My b/p at this point was 105/55, not bad, but certainly a lot lower than my 130/90 that I run. I felt like I was going to pass out every time I blinked. ER's are very busy and as you know if you have ever been a patient in one, the staff is not in there every minute- Nate and I had some time to mull over everything that had happened that day. He was so quiet and when I asked him what was wrong he started to cry. He told me that he was afraid. He was afraid that I had to go through all of this and go through surgery, especially on such short notice, he was afraid that something would go worng. After all of that was a haze, mostly because the doctor gave me some pain meds that actually worked and dulled my pain. Thankfully, when my blood results came back my levels were good, 35 and 10.5 . The obgyn came down and saw me and said my cervix was still dilated a lot more than it should be. She said she wasnt worried and sent me home with instructions to call the number again if it was this bad the next day. She said there was no way this would keep on through the night.
The next day I began to feel worse, bleeding more than the previous day. I called the number and they had me return to the ER. I was humiliated! I did not want to go back again to this place just to be looked at like I did not need to be there ( that is how I felt anyway).. but on the other hand, I did not want something to be wrong with me that needed to be taken care of in a hospital. This time, they checked my blood counts, 32 and 9.5 , gave me pain med, sent me home. I was told, if something happens or this does not resolve by tomorrow, come back.
Frustrated, we went home to deal with this for another night. I know there was nothing else the ER could do for me, but I was still frustrated at the fact that I had to keep going through this for God knows how long.
The next day I was at my moms house with my husband. In the past two days I had been so sleepy. I was taking several naps throughout the day. So when I was at my moms, I fell asleep.. We all did! A little while later I woke up to my mom feeling my face and saying ," you are burning up!! Jenna, you have a fever!" Worried, I got up and took my temp. 102.9. I woke my husband up and asked him what we should do.. So we whipped out the number and called.. Surely, they would just have me take some tylenol and make an appointment. But no, coupled with the fever, pain, and bleeding that has been worse than it was before, they had me go back to the ER.. again! I cannot tell you how angry I was (after the fact)!!! At that point though honestly, I didn't care about anything.. I felt terrible, I was sweating so bad and I could hardly stand. My mom and husband had to basically carry my to the car where I laid down in the back seat on the drive to the hospital. I thought I was going to puke the whole time.. It felt much much worse than morning sickness. When we got there I don't really remember much. I remember laying down and a doctor feeling my stomach and then the lights were out and I had a CT, other than that.. it was all a blur. CT showed nothing and I was sent home. My blood count was 30 and 8.9,They said my white blood counts were not elevated and they didnt know why I had a fever. My cervix was still dilated-which was very weird.
That next friday, June the 3rd I arrived at the hospital at 10 am for my surgery. This was all very unknown for me. I was so afraid. Two hours went by with me and my family sitting in pre-op with air socks on my legs and fluids running. Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye. Being wheeled into the OR was probably the scariest moment of my life. I had no one there with me. Everyone was talking about me, around me, as if I wasnt there.. I even remember the endotrachial tube being slapped onto my chest.. Talk about wanting to make someone feel uncomfortable. I was on the verge of tears. Then one of the nurses grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and asked me how I was doing, if I was afraid.. I told everyone in the room, yes I a very nervous, But i am excited too..because this is a good thing, this is a start to a great thing!Im so thankful to her. Then a mask was smacked onto my face. I remember thinking it is going to take forever for them to put me out, but just a few whiffs of that stuff and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room.
I was in so much pain! Unfortunately I had the meanest nurse at this point who seemed to not give a damn about me as her patient. I was crying in so much pain, and she told me to get over it because she had had two c-sections and I had nothing to cry about.. WHAT?!?!
The doctor briefed my family on what went on and said everything went fine. There was something that surprised them though, I had a 10cm cyst INSIDE of my fallopian tube. YEah.. So they tell me that was the source of the pain I have been feeling for months, and most likely the reason for my miscarriages. I have pictures of it! It was hiding behind my uterus, so it did not show up on the CT I had done in the ER.
It took me a good solid week to feel much better. By that point it was a major accomplishment to walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet without help.
I was not sad about losing a part of me at that time. I felt like I would get pregnant again soon and I would carry to term. The doctor wanted me to wait 3 months before coming back to start treatment because he was sure I was going to get pregnant again. Here I am, one day to the 3 month mark and I am not pregnant. My appointment is on the 6th. I am sad about loosing it now. Every time I think about it, I want to cry. I'm not sure if it is because I lost something that I feel like no one my age should have to loose or the fact that I did the math. At this point, I have a non-induced period every 4 months. Thats 3 cycles a year. Assuming I ovulate with those 3 cycles, I have 1.5 chance of getting pregnant a year... If at least one of those times I ovulate on the side that I have a tube.. Every cycle you have between 12-24 hours to conceive with ovulation. I could have 48hours every two years to get pregnant. I cry when I think about that. I feel sorry for myself when I think about that. It is unfair, and it just seems wrong. I will not feel sorry for myself- this will not define me.
I am praying that we formulate a good plan at my upcoming appointment. I am very nervous, but hopeful.
I'm sad when you're gone..
Tonight my husband is at work again, he wont be home until 8 in the morning.. I will be leaving the house at 5:30 to make it to work. Going to bed without him makes me a little sad. Sometimes I cant tell if it is because he just isn't here that makes me upset or the fact that things upset me more when he isn't here.. probably a mix between the two. Of course I have spent hours reading other IF blogs and looking up tons of stuff that in the end just make me a little sad- especially when my husband isn't here.
I was attempting to compile a list of questions to as my obgyn on tuesday. It will be our first official appointment to talk about our fertility options. Our treatment should of started months ago and I guess in a way it did. We started with an ultrasound and ended up finding the hydrosalphinx (ultrasound was in March, but I didnt get results of that until the end of may... and then scheduled my surgery a week before I had it, June 3rd). My obgyn wanted to wait three montths after surgery (because he was so sure we would get pregnant in that 3 months).. So here we are, 3 months post surgery, no pregnancy. So yeah, we had to delay any further treatment so that we could tackle my poor, sad, dysfunctional tube. That is a blog for another time
I was attempting to compile a list of questions to as my obgyn on tuesday. It will be our first official appointment to talk about our fertility options. Our treatment should of started months ago and I guess in a way it did. We started with an ultrasound and ended up finding the hydrosalphinx (ultrasound was in March, but I didnt get results of that until the end of may... and then scheduled my surgery a week before I had it, June 3rd). My obgyn wanted to wait three montths after surgery (because he was so sure we would get pregnant in that 3 months).. So here we are, 3 months post surgery, no pregnancy. So yeah, we had to delay any further treatment so that we could tackle my poor, sad, dysfunctional tube. That is a blog for another time
Monday, August 29, 2011
A spot of tea.. and a few other things
As we approach our first doctors appointment to begin treatment I had a epiphany. I felt like I needed to try herbal remedies. My cycles have been lasting upwards of 100+ days without assistance from hormones. I feel like the first thing I need to do is regulate my cycle so they can become more predictable.So, as my mom was getting a massage I ran next door to a locally owned and operated nutritional herbal store and came across something called "FCS II".
It claims to nourish the female reproductive system and to balance hormones and for urinary and glandular system support. Its ingredients are :red raspberry leaves, blessed thistle aerial parts, dong quai root, queen of the meadow leaves, althea root, lobelia aerial parts, ginger rhizome, black cohosh and root and capscium fruit. Today is day 3 of taking two capsules three times a day. I have to admit, I feel a lot calmer and more relaxed. I have done some research and it says it is suppose to help regulate hormones and keep your cycle balanced. On my ovacue monitor before I was taking these the numbers were all over the chart.. they now seem to be staying with in 5 numbers of the last reading. While I may not be ovulating yet, it does seem like something is being balanced out.
What I really want is to start my period again! Right now I am on about day 50 of this cycle and frustrated! I did some research on what can bring on suppressed periods and I came across blue cohosh. It looks like people also use it for abortions which I could not believe.. but I guess these days, people do some pretty crazy stuff. Anyway, we have about two weeks left until the doctors appointment where hopefully I will get clomid. Blue cohosh is suppose to increase blood flow to the pubic organs and tone your uterus. Hopefully it will cause a period and I can start with a new cycle.
Finally, I got raspberry leaf tea-" to strengthen the female system". Its suppose to be great before and during pregnancy to regulate cycles, tone the uterus, increase blood flow to reproductive organs , relax the uterus,.. it seems amazing. I just bought it a few hours ago and haven't tried it yet. I am curious to see if it even works. I hope I am not deceived by the pretty pink swirly box and I hope it tastes good!
I will report any effects!! hopefully it will be all good news!
It claims to nourish the female reproductive system and to balance hormones and for urinary and glandular system support. Its ingredients are :red raspberry leaves, blessed thistle aerial parts, dong quai root, queen of the meadow leaves, althea root, lobelia aerial parts, ginger rhizome, black cohosh and root and capscium fruit. Today is day 3 of taking two capsules three times a day. I have to admit, I feel a lot calmer and more relaxed. I have done some research and it says it is suppose to help regulate hormones and keep your cycle balanced. On my ovacue monitor before I was taking these the numbers were all over the chart.. they now seem to be staying with in 5 numbers of the last reading. While I may not be ovulating yet, it does seem like something is being balanced out.
What I really want is to start my period again! Right now I am on about day 50 of this cycle and frustrated! I did some research on what can bring on suppressed periods and I came across blue cohosh. It looks like people also use it for abortions which I could not believe.. but I guess these days, people do some pretty crazy stuff. Anyway, we have about two weeks left until the doctors appointment where hopefully I will get clomid. Blue cohosh is suppose to increase blood flow to the pubic organs and tone your uterus. Hopefully it will cause a period and I can start with a new cycle.
Finally, I got raspberry leaf tea-" to strengthen the female system". Its suppose to be great before and during pregnancy to regulate cycles, tone the uterus, increase blood flow to reproductive organs , relax the uterus,.. it seems amazing. I just bought it a few hours ago and haven't tried it yet. I am curious to see if it even works. I hope I am not deceived by the pretty pink swirly box and I hope it tastes good!
I will report any effects!! hopefully it will be all good news!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Faith, Hope, and Love
Tonight Nate is working at the ambulance station so he will not be home until 8 in the morning. I went to work for a few hours this morning, went to lunch with my mom, and then came home and cleaned up around the house.
This has been a good week. Nate and I have over come some things that have been troubling us and we feel stronger than ever. The love I feel for him is unbelievable. God has renewed our senses, our love, our strength. The hurdles we reach only make us grow stronger, and that's all I could ever ask of our relationship.
I was looking at some video blogs on youtube and came across one that has had me crying for hours. I am going to share the link with all of you because I know that's what she would want.. To tell her story and hope that someone finds comfort or knowledge or hope from it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGMFO4_-pVM&feature=player_profilepage
Today my outlook is positive, I pray that I can hold onto this for a while.
This has been a good week. Nate and I have over come some things that have been troubling us and we feel stronger than ever. The love I feel for him is unbelievable. God has renewed our senses, our love, our strength. The hurdles we reach only make us grow stronger, and that's all I could ever ask of our relationship.
I was looking at some video blogs on youtube and came across one that has had me crying for hours. I am going to share the link with all of you because I know that's what she would want.. To tell her story and hope that someone finds comfort or knowledge or hope from it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGMFO4_-pVM&feature=player_profilepage
Today my outlook is positive, I pray that I can hold onto this for a while.
we WILL get through this
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Thanks,app!
This screen shot is from an iPhone app I use called, pink pad. If you are not familiar with it, it tracks your cycle days and tries to predict ovulation.. It's a great app if you have a normal, predictable period.. I mostly just use it to track the cycle day and what not.. Anyway, I seem to have a natural-non induced cycle every 4 months or 120 days... Look at what my fertility window is on this app.. I had to laugh when I saw it. Oh I can't wait to dart a provera/clomid cycle!
I guess my iPhone won't let me upload a picture right now, but what it says is: FERTILITY WINDOW:???
I guess my iPhone won't let me upload a picture right now, but what it says is: FERTILITY WINDOW:???
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Lord, I love you so
Dear Lord,
Thank you for a beautiful day today and everyday. Thank you for opening my eyes so that I may see the small things in life and appreciate them again. Thank you for my job that lets me help people everyday in their time of need. I know we do not have much, Lord, but you have made us able to have just what we need. Please look over those tonight who feel sorrow and loss and are less fortunate in every aspect. Hold them when they are sad, I hope those who do not know you, will find you. Sometimes Lord I feel so sad about my life, but you remind me to keep my head up. I know you have a great plan for me and your timing is perfect. Please give me the strength to be strong everyday and to leave my sorrows behind. Please shape me into a great parent for my future children and a wonderful wife for my husband and a better daughter to my mother. Please be with her tonight, I know she needs you so. Fill my heart with happiness and patience... Lord I want to be a mother so bad, hold my hand during this journey we are embarking upon.. Give the doctors the knowledge to help us.. I'm trying so hard to let go and let it be in your hands.. Remind me everyday of the happy positive things.
I love you so much, thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for me. Thank you for the angels you are sending me when I am at my lowest. Please Lord, forgive me for my sins.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Thank you for a beautiful day today and everyday. Thank you for opening my eyes so that I may see the small things in life and appreciate them again. Thank you for my job that lets me help people everyday in their time of need. I know we do not have much, Lord, but you have made us able to have just what we need. Please look over those tonight who feel sorrow and loss and are less fortunate in every aspect. Hold them when they are sad, I hope those who do not know you, will find you. Sometimes Lord I feel so sad about my life, but you remind me to keep my head up. I know you have a great plan for me and your timing is perfect. Please give me the strength to be strong everyday and to leave my sorrows behind. Please shape me into a great parent for my future children and a wonderful wife for my husband and a better daughter to my mother. Please be with her tonight, I know she needs you so. Fill my heart with happiness and patience... Lord I want to be a mother so bad, hold my hand during this journey we are embarking upon.. Give the doctors the knowledge to help us.. I'm trying so hard to let go and let it be in your hands.. Remind me everyday of the happy positive things.
I love you so much, thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for me. Thank you for the angels you are sending me when I am at my lowest. Please Lord, forgive me for my sins.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Please, tell me when!!
So like my previous post says, we have been cracking down on our infertility.. We have been doing opk's for 2 months.. and I am so irregular, it is insane.. I am currently on CD 36 and there are no signs of an af or a baby. Opk's have been so hard for me to read, sometimes I swear they are positive and sometimes there is no line at all.. I'm beginning to wonder what other kind of medical condition I have. Am I even ovulating!?!? My fertility frustration is going through the roof. I though that opk's were God-sent, but now I am even more confused.
Doing some research I found a fertility monitor (i'm sure most of you are familiar with this), an electronic fertility monitor.. no pee required! I guess I discovered it about the same time we decided to get ovulation test strips.. but the monitor was $350! Not that we couldn't get it, but I almost just couldn't justify spending that much on something. As bad as I wanted it, I decided to wait.
On facebook, I am a fan of the page "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility" its pretty funny sometimes, you have to check it out. Anyway, sometimes they do contests, I just happened to come across the current contest, an Ovacue fertility montior/with the vaginal sensor that confirms ovulation (an extra $100 to buy).. You had to come up with an ovulation poem.. So I entered one and then helped my husband come up with one.. A week later.. WE WON!! I was so excited I cried for like an hour. Now we are awaiting it to come in the mail.. Its been a week so it should be here any day now.
I hope our luck will continue to be good!!! Come on babies!
Doing some research I found a fertility monitor (i'm sure most of you are familiar with this), an electronic fertility monitor.. no pee required! I guess I discovered it about the same time we decided to get ovulation test strips.. but the monitor was $350! Not that we couldn't get it, but I almost just couldn't justify spending that much on something. As bad as I wanted it, I decided to wait.
On facebook, I am a fan of the page "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility" its pretty funny sometimes, you have to check it out. Anyway, sometimes they do contests, I just happened to come across the current contest, an Ovacue fertility montior/with the vaginal sensor that confirms ovulation (an extra $100 to buy).. You had to come up with an ovulation poem.. So I entered one and then helped my husband come up with one.. A week later.. WE WON!! I was so excited I cried for like an hour. Now we are awaiting it to come in the mail.. Its been a week so it should be here any day now.
I hope our luck will continue to be good!!! Come on babies!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A rant.
With all of the groups I belong to about infertility, I ran into one woman that I think about all the time.. of course all of us had things in common but the one thing her and I shared is age.
Here is my rant for all of you ladies out there who have not reached the age of "the public will support your trying to get pregnant because we believe you are old enough now".
I don't think that because I am "only" 21 that I would be a bad parent. I have a stable job, an education,a steady income, a wonderful husband and a great home. So at what point does society decide that you do not have to be criticized anymore about your age? I know parents reaching their 30's who suck at it.. badly.. and I have a great friend that has just 19 who is the most amazing mother I have ever seen. I believe I am so depressed with my situation because I was afraid to reach out for help, because of my age. Only just now am I coming to the point that I don't care what everyone thinks.. My husband and I know when is right for us. Not our family or friends or strangers.
I am so tired of the "oh you have plenty of time", or "you are so young!'' speech. We don't have plenty of time.. my right fallopian tube is like a freaking ticking time bomb.. any little twinge or pain I feel on that side sends my heart into asystole because I am terrified of another hydrosalphinx, which is bound to happen.
At this point, we are parents with no children. It feels like our life is at a standstill until we can jump this hurdle. God is watching over us.. we knew we wanted children some time ago - and we were not going to prevent it. Something washed over the both of us, a feeling like we had a mission to get pregnant NOW, as if it were our only hope--yeah yeah, even before we were married. We listened to everyone who told us we were too young and didn't need children.. And when we decided to really start trying, I came up with a hydrosalphinx.. It just makes me so angry because we should of listened to that voice that told us we needed to get pregnant now-- I feel like if I wouldn't of let everyone make that decision for us we would not be going through this now. But since we ignored our own intuition we are now paying the price..literally.
Infertility has turned me into someone I did not want to become. I am angry all the time. Some days it hurts to look at pregnant women and infants. Other days I appreciate the miracle of conception even more. The human body amazes me. I am shocked at how pregnancy can occur without any man-made interference.. people get pregnant on accident! That is a predicament I would love to experience!
Our pastor once said that The Bible never says that God will never give you more than you can handle.. in fact it says God will always give you more than you can handle because he wants you to come to him for help. Lord, we are calling on you so much right now- if us being parents is not your will-please release the anger and frustration we feel and teach us acceptance.
Here is my rant for all of you ladies out there who have not reached the age of "the public will support your trying to get pregnant because we believe you are old enough now".
I don't think that because I am "only" 21 that I would be a bad parent. I have a stable job, an education,a steady income, a wonderful husband and a great home. So at what point does society decide that you do not have to be criticized anymore about your age? I know parents reaching their 30's who suck at it.. badly.. and I have a great friend that has just 19 who is the most amazing mother I have ever seen. I believe I am so depressed with my situation because I was afraid to reach out for help, because of my age. Only just now am I coming to the point that I don't care what everyone thinks.. My husband and I know when is right for us. Not our family or friends or strangers.
I am so tired of the "oh you have plenty of time", or "you are so young!'' speech. We don't have plenty of time.. my right fallopian tube is like a freaking ticking time bomb.. any little twinge or pain I feel on that side sends my heart into asystole because I am terrified of another hydrosalphinx, which is bound to happen.
At this point, we are parents with no children. It feels like our life is at a standstill until we can jump this hurdle. God is watching over us.. we knew we wanted children some time ago - and we were not going to prevent it. Something washed over the both of us, a feeling like we had a mission to get pregnant NOW, as if it were our only hope--yeah yeah, even before we were married. We listened to everyone who told us we were too young and didn't need children.. And when we decided to really start trying, I came up with a hydrosalphinx.. It just makes me so angry because we should of listened to that voice that told us we needed to get pregnant now-- I feel like if I wouldn't of let everyone make that decision for us we would not be going through this now. But since we ignored our own intuition we are now paying the price..literally.
Infertility has turned me into someone I did not want to become. I am angry all the time. Some days it hurts to look at pregnant women and infants. Other days I appreciate the miracle of conception even more. The human body amazes me. I am shocked at how pregnancy can occur without any man-made interference.. people get pregnant on accident! That is a predicament I would love to experience!
Our pastor once said that The Bible never says that God will never give you more than you can handle.. in fact it says God will always give you more than you can handle because he wants you to come to him for help. Lord, we are calling on you so much right now- if us being parents is not your will-please release the anger and frustration we feel and teach us acceptance.
My introduction
This will be my first post to what I hope to be a reaching hand out to others.
I guess as with all infertility matters, when you meet someone new online you go with your standard-this is my name and these are the issues my husband and I have- these are our attempts and how they turned out..
So here goes.
My name is Jenna, I am 21 years aged and I was diagnosed with an unexplained (most likely from a recent miscarriage) unilateral hydrosalphinx in March of 2011 .My dh is 23, we have not done any testing with him- so that ground is unknown.We just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary and are so ready to expand our famil. We have been trying for a while with some success. My uterus has decided that it does not want to carry a baby at this point :(. The farthest gestation we have accomplished has been around 7 weeks- which was conceived in late January of this year.
Currently we are not on any treatments, except for me-weight loss- which I have already lost 15lbs or 6% of my weight since my hydrosalphix was removed June 3rd, also this year. However, we have decided to get more serious and start doing opks (ovulation predictor kits).. I believe I ovulated this month.. but who really knows, right?! I did get a positive on an hpt this Sunday/early morning (the 31st) but all have been negative since.
Currently on CD 25/in the middle of the 2ww
So i'm not sure what else to add as it is 3 in the morning and I am finally thinking about that square thing in the bedroom that is kinda fluffy with a blanket and pillows on it.
I will attempt to update as frequently as possible for anyone out there who cares to read my rambles
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