Fur Mommy

I have to wake up at 4am to go to work (ahh!), I should be going to sleep but I wanted to put some pictures up of our fur-baby!

This is Lilly! She is two years old. We adopted her March of '09 from the shelter when she was just 11 weeks old. She is very playful and loves car trips and toys... as you can see, her baby is on the floor next to her feet. We have no idea what kind of dog she is, we have heard mini greyhound..?? We have been looking to get her a friend... but we just can't find the right dog to fit into our family. She has decided she would like a little brother or sister though :D . She LOVES babies, she is so sweet and gentle and kind with them. We think she would of been a great mom, but the shelter made us get her fixed :((

She comforts me when Nate is at work over night. She cuddles me when I cry and makes me laugh. She is my best buddy!

When she was just a few months old, we found out that Lilly Bug had parvo. She had to stay at the vets for days to get treatment.. They didn't think she would live... Mom and dad were very sad. But she pulled through and when we brought her home we had tons of new toys for her including a stuffed loofa dog that was 3 times the size she was!

Her favorite place to go is Memphis..yep. We took her on vacation there once. We stayed in a Hilton on the 30th floor with windows from the floor to the ceiling... She loved to look out that window.

I don't know how, but she always seems to know what is going on. When I was pregnant in January/February she loved to lay her head on my belly, maybe it was coincidence? And then when I was having a miscarriage she never let me out of her sight, she stayed right on my tummy. She seemed more upset than we did.

She is our Lilly, (Lilly Bug, Lilly Bo, Lilly Boo Sue, sometimes we even call her nugget). We love her so much and I couldn't imagine my life without her!!!

A woman and her situation

    Today we went to the RE's for a semen analysis.  As I sat patiently in the waiting room I glanced around at everyone that was there.  It still gets me that there are other people in our area going through the same thing that we are. As there are no support groups (or none that I have found) in my state, it always seems like we are alone down here in the South.

     I could feel all of the women staring at me... I can only imagine what they are thinking like ,"what is she doing here, she is too young to be here". I know it is most likely my insecurities that fill my mind with those accusations. I am pretty sure we are the youngest couple that is currently undergoing treatment and I feel like I have to defend myself for it.  I am hoping one day I will not care about what anyone thinks of me or our situation. 

     On another note I am getting tired of hearing people's ignorant comments and suggestions.  I truly do appreciate when people offer up advice and it is sweet when someone says something to try and make me feel better. However, you think it would be common sense to keep your words positive.

     I do understand that this is a "different" situation for everyone involved and I don't want anyone to feel pressured that they have to say something to me about this.

     Take this for example, the other day someone that I am friends with came straight up to me and said ," just face it, you are really messed up and you are not ever going to get pregnant.  You might as well go ahead and start the adoption process since it takes a year.". WHO SAYS THAT??  I felt this was particularly rude and uncalled for.  If you feel like you need to say something but can't quite find the words something like ,"I am thinking about you" or even just, "how are you doing with everything".  Please do not ever say something to me that you don't know about... My doctor who is top notch has the highest confidence in our case so I don't think you have the right to tell me I will never get pregnant.  We will not lose hope, don't encourage us to give up.

    In case anyone is wondering here is our plan of action.  Fertility treatment is not something that happens quickly... it is a process.  First, we need to wait for all of our tests to result. The doctor thinks I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS.  PCOS causes a ton of things, among those is insulin resistance. Therefore, I have to do a glucose tolerance test to see how fast my body can metabolize it. We are pretty sure he is going to put me on something called Metformin which is an insulin sensitizer. For some people this medication can reverse effects within a few doses, with others it can take months. We have to wait for the results of the semen analysis. If there is a low sperm count, we will have to do Intrauterine Insemination or IUI or Invitro Fertilization or IVF.  As most of you know I had one of my fallopian tubes removed... I will undergo a procedure called hystosteriosalphingogram or HSG. This will determine if my other tube is open. If it is I will start a medication called Clomid which forces your body to ovulate. You can only use this medication a max of 6 months or else your chances of ovarian cancer go up. If it is closed we have to go straight to IVF.

Once we have all of this information we will go through the treatments required for each situation for most likely years (hopefully it will not take that long, but for a lot of people, it does). Then surrogacy then adoption. 

    Yes, we know there a lot of children out there with no parents that need love. We are not against adoption, after all, my husband is adopted!  However, we would like to try to have our own child.

  There are a lot of people out there who are against us for doing this.  Quite frankly, we choose to ignore you.  As a couple we have gone through many things together in the past four years and they have only made us stronger. We love each other so much, words cannot sum it up. We are doing this together, hand in hand.

    Thank you to everyone out there who has been sweet and supportive, you will never know what it means to us.

Here We Go

    I know it has been a while since I typed my last blog post.  This past Monday, the 19th we met with with our Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I have been looking online at this place since I found out we were going here.  Some stuff I read about it was really good, some, not so good. To say the least, we were nervous.

    As we walked back to the exam room my hands were shaking! Eventually we were taken back into the RE's office. The game plan for the day was an ultrasound and pelvic exam and depending on what we found with that would determine what our next move was. The ultrasound showed that I have some cysts on my cervix, but they said that is completely normal and a lot of people have them, it should have no bearing on trying to conceive. He said my uterus looked great. When we got to my ovaries he said they had the classic "string of pearls" appearance that Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  He also said that I have plenty of eggs/follicles in each of my ovaries.

    I am glad I did plenty of research on PCOS and I had pretty much diagnosed myself with it-so I wasn't really shocked  or anything.  The RE said he wasn't 100% sure that it was PCOS but it was a great possibility. He went ahead and prescribed me Provera once a day for 12 days to kick start my cycle (I was on  day 72 (!!!) at this appointment). He was going to give me Clomid but we are going to do a hysterosalphingogram or HSG before that... There is no since in inducing ovulation if your tubes or in my case tube isn't even open.

   So I have to wait for the first day of my cycle to call and schedule the HSG.  I am on the 5th pill today, I think. So about another week and a half and I can schedule it.  Also, since my husband had an undescended testicle that was corrected when he was an infant, the doctor is concerned about male factor infertility.  He has an appointment for a semen analysis this coming up Wednesday.  He is nervous that his count may be low- or non-existent.  We have been talking about what we will do if that is the case... donor sperm I guess but we are not going to think too much about this until we have some solid answers.

    The RE we have is amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. He made us feel important, like he really cared about our situation and is going to do whatever it takes to solve this puzzle. He is very sweet.

    When we were leaving the office we were handed a price list.  As many of you know, most insurance companies in this country do not cover any type of fertility treatment.  We are lucky in that our insurance company covers 1 office visit, 1 HSG, 1 round of blood work, 1 post coital test, 1 semen analysis and something else that I can't think of at the moment. 15 states have mandates concerning infertility.  Arkansas has a mandate that states insurance companies must cover testing to diagnose fertility (the one of each list that I put above) and one round of IVF, medications not included. Medications for an IVF cycle can be around $6,000 once it is all said and done. People think that these mandates are great.. I think it is crappy. They will pay part of the fee to diagnose you with something and then kick you to the curb when it comes for treatment.

    The down side is we are on our own for the rest. The office visit charge is anywhere from $150-$350, just for the visit. This fee does not include any procedure or test performed during the visit.  Also, an intrauterine insemination is only $190 (a great price). For 12 pills ( a months supply) is only $3 for me. A months supply for Clomid (about 5 pills) will be around $15.  I guess it is a lot better than we were expecting. This we can afford. We are going to be in trouble though if the Clomid or trigger shots don't work and we have to do invitro fertilization or IVF.

    If anyone that is having to go through treatment wants a copy of my price list, just let me know and I will send one to you.

I drink raspberry leaf tea - it is suppose to strengthen the uterus and increase blood flow to the pelvic organs among some other great things. On every bag of tea there is a quote, like this one above.

A Doctor "Dis"Appointment...

   So our doctor's appointment with the OB/GYN was this past Tuesday, the 6th. We were expecting to start some sort of Provera/Clomid combination.

   I suppose my expectations were way too high going into this appointment. When we got into the exam room and our doctor came in he seemed so concerned and was asking me questions about my cycles and everything and I told him, I believe the problem is that I am just not ovulating. I think that if we can give my body a push, we would have a chance at this. Instead, he flat out refused to do anything. He said (this is the doctor that did my surgery), "Since you had your Fallopian tube taken out and your cycles are not regular, I don't think that there is anything I can do for you." I was floored! I asked him, "Can't we at least regulate my cycles and maybe try Clomid?" He explained to us that he was too afraid to do anything because he wasn't sure what the Fertility Specialist would want to do since this wasn't his area of expertise, then went into a rant about class-action lawsuits and people being sue-happy with Clomid. This is coming from a doctor who was the founder for most of the OB/GYN programs at this hospital/school. He made a call center for OB/GYN patients.. HE IS AN OB/GYN... Doesn't he know that being in this field alone is more risky than any other?! Then he has the nerve to tell me that he is afraid??

  I'll admit, I did get a little teary-eyed in the office. He sent me right across the hallway where the receptionist was already on the line with the fertility clinic. I was already so nervous about this place- this is the only fertility clinic in the state, so it's not like we have options. They were very cut and dry. They wanted my name, my insurance, and what I was being referred for. When the receptionist said "infertility" I couldn't hold it in. I think this is the first time in a clinical environment that anyone has said this related to me. Even the lady that was out in the hallway started to get choked up.

   They even told her to tell me to be sure to bring my marriage license with me to my first appointment; isn't that weird?! Has anyone else ever had to deal with something like that? I mean, I am married so it's not like I am worried about that. I suppose the fact that they would ask for something like that seems irrelevant and it makes me feel like they are cold-hearted or something...

  This person right here walked out of the office and through the waiting room with a wrinkled up tissue in hand and tears in her eyes... Maybe I made the people in the waiting room wonder what happened; made them feel like perhaps they came to the wrong place. Maybe for them too this place will become the office of broken dreams...

  For the rest of the day I felt so numb.  Like, what am I suppose to do now? Fortunately, Arkansas is one of 15 states with a mandate in place for fertility treatments. UNfortunately, it is only $15,000 and only covers IVF- without meds. It's not like we want to start at the top of the list with the most expensive and invasive treatment. So for now we have to pay all expenses out of pocket because this mandated money will not kick in until we have tried everything else and then it will only cover one cycle of IVF. So we want to try Clomid first and work our way up.

  At least today I didn't cry as much, but it seems so much easier now to get sad. I guess before we were actually referred to the "broken reproductive organs" clinic, I was hoping we would never have to get to the point where we would actually have to go there. I was sad before yesterday, but not nearly sad as I am now. I almost feel like a completely different person.

  I woke up this morning to my husband searching for infertility insurance and Rx discount plans. He was so into it and determined to find something. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there was nothing out there for us. Everything you find about it doesn't apply to patients or clinics in Arkansas.

  Right now I guess we are going to wait to see what this first visit brings us, it is on the 19th of this month. We are also looking into getting supplemental insurance that will cover ALL infertility diagnostic testing and treatment. However, if you are diagnosed with infertility before insurance coverage takes effect, they consider it a "preexisting condition" and coverage for IF treatment will not start for 12 months. Keep in mind though, we have not received an official diagnosis of infertility, yet. So hopefully we can get it going before that comes up.

  We are defiantly doing our research and getting our ducks in a row before this appointment. I can't imagine them having many patients our age- or maybe any at all, but we are going to go in there ready to fight this, we just hope they have the same attitude and are ready to fight this with us.

  On a plus, the doctor I am going to see studied OB/GYN at Johns Hopkins and was the president and everything of a ton of stuff regarding gynecology and infertility. He founded the clinic I will be going to and is responsible for most IVF's done in this state.

Please, God, let this work for us.

I miss you, fallopian tube..

   So none of us ever thought it would be this hard to have a baby, right?! We knew it would be a fairy tale- we would fall in love with the man of our dreams, have a perfect wedding, and then have beautiful babies from a non-complicated pregnancy. It's so weird to see what paths we are going down now. How no one that has to go through this will every truly understand what it is to go through this. Infertility isn't something I would wish on my biggest enemy.. well.. maybe it is..
    As most of you know our infertility journey started with a miscarriage and an ultrasound. When I was told I had a hyrdrosalphinx it was from my family doctor. Don't get me wrong, I trust this man with my life. I worked with him in the ER before he became my PCP. However, when he came into the exam room on that day he walked in all confident, like he had found my problem and everything was going to be ok now. He told me, so I think I know what you have, it is called hydrosalphinx and basically what it is, is when something gets stuck in your fallopian tube and fluid backs up behind it.. the egg can't get through and sometimes the fluid leaks and causes miscarriages. So I think this is the reason for your infertility...but its ok because it is a really easy fix and you shouldn't have many problems after this. So I believed him.. I thought, alright, easy fix!!!

  I had to go into work after that and I googled it. What I found changed my life forever. What I was not told is that in most cases it has to be surgically removed. Thus, cutting your chances for conception in half. I cried, right there in the back office at my job, I cried.. I didn't care who was around me, I cried. I had to face patients all day with a smile. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

 A few weeks later I was in the office at my obgyn's and he said, no, we cannot drain it, we have to take it out. We need to do it asap, I have next friday open. In two seconds my husband and I were speechless. My doctor walked out and there again, I cried.
 
He decided to do an endometrial biopsy that day. He told me I would experience some mild period-like cramping. If you know my periods, we are all for some mild cramping because usually, my periods are debilitating. The procedure consisted of a long catheter type tube that had some sort of suction on the other end of it. He inserted it through the speculum and through the cervix into my uterus. Then he says, ok some slight discomfort. It felt like he was sucking my organs out of me!! slight discomfort?! I felt terrible!! After it was done I could not feel my lower half. I had to lay there for half an hour while the nurse gave me some meds. When the pain went away enough for me to get up, we went across the hallway to schedule my surgery. I had a feeling that I would have to be intubated (when they knock you out and stick a tube down your throat so they can breathe for you) but I was hoping that maybe they would just bag me ( a "bag valve mask" they can use with a mask just over your face and nose to breathe for you with out using a tube- very noninvasive).. but no, they told me I would be intubated and the procedure would last between an hour to two hours. I cried again.
    My mind associates intubation with near-death.  I could not think about myself unconscious with a tube stuck down my throat.. Very scary stuff.

  I was told if the pain did not go away or I began to bleed excessively to call this number. Later that night I was bleeding so much I could not leave the bathroom, my pain was unbearable. I remember being balled up in the bathroom floor. I called the number and the person I spoke to contacted my doctor and they wanted me in the ER right away. Not only is this ER the one that I work in, but I knew they were going to have to do a vaginal exam... Great way to get to know your coworkers. When I arrived there we went back into a room where I was connected to a monitor and given fluids to compensate for my blood loss. My b/p at this point was  105/55, not bad, but certainly a lot lower than my 130/90 that I run. I felt like I was going to pass out every time I blinked. ER's are very busy and as you know if you have ever been a patient in one, the staff is not in there every minute- Nate and I had some time to mull over everything that had happened that day. He was so quiet and when I asked him what was wrong he started to cry. He told me that he was afraid. He was afraid that I had to go through all of this and go through surgery, especially on such short notice, he was afraid that something would go worng. After all of that was a haze, mostly because the doctor gave me some pain meds that actually worked and dulled my pain. Thankfully, when my blood results came back my levels were good, 35 and 10.5 . The obgyn came down and saw me and said my cervix was still dilated a lot more than it should be. She said she wasnt worried and sent me home with instructions to call the number again if it was this bad the next day. She said there was no way this would keep on through the night.
 
    The next day I began to feel worse, bleeding more than the previous day. I called the number and they had me return to the ER. I was humiliated! I did not want to go back again to this place just to be looked at like I did not need to be there ( that is how I felt anyway).. but on the other hand, I did not want something to be wrong with me that needed to be taken care of in a hospital. This time, they checked my blood counts, 32 and 9.5 , gave me pain med, sent me home. I was told, if something happens or this does not resolve by tomorrow, come back.

   Frustrated, we went home to deal with this for another night. I know there was nothing else the ER could do for me, but I was still frustrated at the fact that I had to keep going through this for God knows how long.
    The next day I was at my moms house with my husband. In the past two days I had been so sleepy. I was taking several naps throughout the day. So when I was at my moms, I fell asleep.. We all did! A little while later I woke up to my mom feeling my face and saying ," you are burning up!! Jenna, you have a fever!" Worried, I got up and took my temp. 102.9. I woke my husband up and asked him what we should do.. So we whipped out the number and called.. Surely, they would just have me take some tylenol and make an appointment. But no, coupled with the fever, pain, and bleeding that has been worse than it was before, they had me go back to the ER.. again! I cannot tell you how angry I was (after the fact)!!! At that point though honestly, I didn't care about anything.. I felt terrible, I was sweating so bad and I could hardly stand. My mom and husband had to basically carry my to the car where I laid down in the back seat on the drive to the hospital. I thought I was going to puke the whole time.. It felt much much worse than morning sickness. When we got there I don't really remember much. I remember laying down and a doctor feeling my stomach and then the lights were out and I had a CT, other than that.. it was all a blur. CT showed nothing and I was sent home. My blood count was 30 and 8.9,They said my white blood counts were not elevated and they didnt know why I had a fever. My cervix was still dilated-which was very weird.
   That next friday, June the 3rd I arrived at the hospital at 10 am for my surgery. This was all very unknown for me. I was so afraid. Two hours went by with me and my family sitting in pre-op with air socks on my legs and fluids running. Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye. Being wheeled into the OR was probably the scariest moment of my life. I had no one there with me. Everyone was talking about me, around me, as if I wasnt there.. I even remember the endotrachial tube being slapped onto my chest.. Talk about wanting to make someone feel uncomfortable. I was on the verge of tears. Then one of the nurses grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and asked me how I was doing, if I was afraid.. I told everyone in the room, yes I a very nervous, But i am excited too..because this is a good thing, this is a start to a great thing!Im so thankful to her. Then a mask was smacked onto my face. I remember thinking it is going to take forever for them to put me out, but just a few whiffs of that stuff and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room.

  I was in so much pain! Unfortunately I had the meanest nurse at this point who seemed to not give a damn about me as her patient. I was crying in so much pain, and she told me to get over it because she had had two c-sections and I had nothing to cry about.. WHAT?!?!

The doctor briefed my family on what went on and said everything went fine. There was something that surprised them though, I had a 10cm cyst INSIDE of my fallopian tube. YEah.. So they tell me that was the source of the pain I have been feeling for months, and most likely the reason for my miscarriages. I have pictures of it! It was hiding behind my uterus, so it did not show up on the CT I had done in the ER.

  It took me a good solid week to feel much better. By that point it was a major accomplishment to walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet without help.

   I was not sad about losing a part of me at that time. I felt like I would get pregnant again soon and I would carry to term. The doctor wanted me to wait 3 months before coming back to start treatment because he was sure I was going to get pregnant again. Here I am, one day to the 3 month mark and I am not pregnant. My appointment is on the 6th. I am sad about loosing it now. Every time I think about it, I want to cry. I'm not sure if it is because I lost something that I feel like no one my age should have to loose or the fact that I did the math. At this point, I have a non-induced period every 4 months. Thats 3 cycles a year. Assuming I ovulate with those 3 cycles, I have 1.5 chance of getting pregnant a year... If at least one of those times I ovulate on the side that I have a tube.. Every cycle you have between 12-24 hours to conceive with ovulation. I could have 48hours every two years to get pregnant. I cry when I think about that. I feel sorry for myself when I think about that. It is unfair, and it just seems wrong. I will not feel sorry for myself- this will not define me.

I am praying that we formulate a good plan at my upcoming appointment. I am very nervous, but hopeful.

I'm sad when you're gone..

Tonight my husband is at work again, he wont be home until 8 in the morning.. I will be leaving the house at 5:30 to make it to work. Going to bed without him makes me a little sad. Sometimes I cant tell if it is because he just isn't here that makes me upset or the fact that things upset me more when he isn't here.. probably a mix between the two.  Of course I have spent hours reading other IF blogs and looking up tons of stuff that in the end just make me a little sad- especially when my husband isn't here.
  I was attempting to compile a list of questions to as my obgyn on tuesday. It will be our first official appointment to talk about our fertility options. Our treatment should of started months ago and I guess in a way it did. We started with an ultrasound and ended up finding the hydrosalphinx (ultrasound was in March, but I didnt get results of that until the end of may... and then scheduled my surgery a week before I had it, June 3rd). My obgyn wanted to wait three montths after surgery (because he was so sure we would get pregnant in that 3 months).. So here we are, 3 months post surgery, no pregnancy. So yeah, we had to delay any further treatment so that we could tackle my poor, sad, dysfunctional tube.  That is a blog for another time