Farewell 2011, you suck!

    Yeah, the title says it all. 2011 sucked badly. Everything terrible happened this year. My husband thinks I am being negative, however, I think the facts say it all. Lets do a time line, shall we?

January 2011-Started a new job
                     Moved into a new house. Not an actual`"new" place, it needed (needs) some major renovations 
                      Found out we were pregnant!! Totally ecstatic and scared s*!*$less at the same time!

February 2011- Had a m/c at 7 weeks and to top it off had a Dr that said, "whats the big deal, you can get                  
                         pregnant again"
                         Had the worst AF you could ever imagine as my body expelled our bean.
                         Got a new doctor and fired the B!tch doctor. Told him I was having terrible abdominal pain,
                          he ordered an ultrasound.

March 2011- Went in for an ultrasound and they told me my husband couldn't come back with me. Totally
                      uncool, we are with each other 100% of the way with this and they separated us :(.  The lady
                      let me look at the screen until she quickly turned it away and told me I couldn't look.

April 2011- Tried calling my doctor every day for a month to get my ultrasound results, found out he was on a month long vacation and I would have to wait.

May 2011- the b!tch doctor read my results and tried to tell me I had a sexually transmitted disease. My
                  husband and I tried to find out who cheated on who.
                  A couple days later my regular doctor called to have me come in. Found out I did NOT have an
                 STD but a hydrosalphinx and he told me it was no big deal and it could be taken care of.
                  Went to obgyn who said that I would for sure have to loose my fallopian tube. Did an
                  endometrial biopsy or EMB which landed me in the hospital for 3 days.
                 I was pissed that I had to have a partial hysterectomy at 21.

June 2011- Had left fallopian tube removed. VERY painful!

July 2011- celebrated 1st wedding anniversary!
                 Obgyn refused to help with infertility or at least try a round of clomid for fear of lawsuit (yeah,
                 really, right!) Referred to reproductive endocrinologist.

August 2011- First appointment with RE, diagnosed with PCOS. Started provera because I was currently on
                      CD 180 at time of appointment.

September 2011- Semen analysis showed normal despite RE's suspicion of low count because of DH's
                            undecended testical that was corrected at birth.

October 2011- Had hysterosalphingogram or HSG, PPAAAIINNFULL!, showed compleatly normal
                        right side :D :D :D, and compleatly nonfunctional  left side.
                        Had glucose tolerance test which showed abnormal.

November 2011- Had a1c drawn at RE's office, showed 6.8 and RE decided to drop all treatment plans until
                            it is "under control".
                           Went to family doctor to formulate a plan. Dr was as stunned as we were as to why the RE
                            sent us to a family doctor to control insulin resistance when it was infact caused by PCOS.
                           Started metformin er 750 mg twice a day.
                            Ovulated and had af all on my own.

December 2011- took a pregnancy test at 6 dpo which showed a BFP!!!!! ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't
                           believe it!
                           Took more hpt's and all showed negative. Found out the brand I was using was recalled for
                            false positives, FML.
                           Metformin upped to 2000 mg's a day.
                           Fertility plan still unknown at this point.

   So as you can see, this is not me being negative, its just the facts! Just so we're clear, nothing good happened this year, nothing really, I swear. I am clinically depressed at this point. Mainly because we cannot continue on with fertility treatments because my body is hardly responding to metformin. I really hope 2012 is a better year for us. The only thing that could happen to be worse is to loose my other tube or have another m/c. It has got to be a good year. I'm going to get my body into tip top shape for a baby!

A small update

    So I hope everyone had a good holiday. Mine was decent.

    Had my most recent doctors appointment yesterday with the family doctor. As all of you know our RE has stopped seeing us until my a1c of 6.8 is dropped down and under control-I don't know what he wants it to get to-according to all of our research, anything under 7 is considered "under control". So I started metformin a few weeks ago and attempted to change my diet.
     I refuse to use the term "going on a diet" because that's just stupid. If you are at a point where you need to go on a diet its because your daily diet sucks... So you don't need a diet, you need a daily diet overhaul. A permanent change.
    My blood sugars seemed to be fairly decent. However, I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy a few weeks ago and had to take some pretty impressive steroids. Found out those will screw up your blood sugar.
    Anywho, went in for that and had some blood drawn to check it. I did a home check a few weeks ago and it was 6.7, down 1/10th, but thats not good enough of a change for me. I hope it is lower now.
    My family doctor, which I hand picked because I use to work with him in the ER, is awesome. He listens to me and gets the job at hand done and delt with. He has been our doctor since our miscarriage, he found the hydrosalphinx and got us to the obgyn and RE. However, at this appointment I really was questioning his knowledge of anything. He was trying to find a way to get my blood sugars down and told me that he was going to put me on birth control... WHAT!!??.. He said to regulate my cycles and get rid of insulin resistance. I was like, um, doctor.. excuse me but I have PCOS and the second I come off of that birth control pill which I hate so much, everything will go right back to the way it was. He went and talked to the attending doctor who told him it would be pointless to put me on bc since it would be defeating the whole purpose of us being here, a pregnancy. So he upped my metformin to 1000 mg twice a day. Up from my 1500 mg a day. We will see how this goes. He is going to call my RE tomorrow and ask him what he is expecting of us. Which is pretty awesome of him to do.

   I am ready to get this situated because me not getting af on my own like I did last month is pissing me off. In my last post I told you that I started provera again, which as we all know means I will not ovulate and have a real period... Which means I will go through an AF where I cant even ttc... Because I wont ovulate after provera, right? So this really sucks, I don't really know what I am to do right now.

eh, whatever

    I have been meaning to type up a new post, but I just haven't had the time lately!  During my 2ww I had a positive hpt but then found out that the tests I had (same lot number and all) were being recalled for false positives. It is kind of funny now, I mean, I am really upset about it... But go figure, right?! Things just don't really seem to shock me anymore. So, I am about 19 dpo or something like that, AF never showed despite the fact that I started all on my own last month.

    I started my first dose of provera yesterday and I am in hormonal hell. Everything is making me upset, I HATE THIS! I hate taking provera, its like, a reminder that my body sucks so bad that it can't even do its most common function. It also feels like giving up. I try to keep hope through every cycle and I  never want to quit believing that this is my month... but 19dpo and nothing...its time to start provera.

    That being said, today is my birthday.  Nothing special happened. I went to work where I had the strangest psych patient. I came home to a husband on the couch watching movies all day and a trashed house. I was so upset I just went to lay down in bed. I slept until about 6pm, woke up and here I am. Nothing planned, no cake, no dinner. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought dh would have flowers...or something, I couldn't even get him to rub my feet... I guess my birthdays are just not as special as they use to be, its like no one gives a damn anymore.

    I have a follow up appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to recheck my a1c level and I can tell you right now that it has not changed.  I've been on my metformin, but when I was diagnosed with bells palsy I had some heavy steroids to take and I was told that they would throw my sugar levels off big time. On the plus side I have lost 5 more pounds this month... thats something my family doc doesnt really seem to care about to much.  All this appointment is going to prove is that I am a failure and I will not be returning to the RE in January, go figure, right.

    It just seems to be hard to have much faith anymore, faith is running low. I feel a bit cheated. I'm getting sick of hearing "oops, we accidently got pregnant, we didn't even want kids" or something of that nature. It all just makes me a little.. I don't know what word i'm looking for.

    I feel like I am flirting with the line of sanity and insanity.

I give up.

I'm sorry everyone. I give up, at least I really want to give up, but even I know that I will still care. What I want is to not care anymore. I'm so broken hearted, I just don't think I can dO it much longer.

I got a positive hpt the day before yesterday and I found out today that those tests were being recalled for false positives. I tried to tell myself that it was a real positive, but all of my tests have been negative since... With the exception of a few faint lines (but they were the same brand, so it doesn't really matter). I've Ben through three miscarriages and so many chemicals... I just don't see how I can take it anymore. My faith is shaken, I am so depressed. I am entering a dark place I never wanted to be again. I just give up on everything. I don't know what to do anymore.

I hope I can snap out of this.

I give up.

    I am so confused. Did I ovulate, or not.  Which should I trust... a $400 machine or a .50 cent dipstick?  Everyone on my countdowntopregnancy.com page is swearing by the sticks, but i'm just not sold yet.  So today I am either 4dpo or I haven't ovulated yet.  This really sucks.  I feel like I can't count down to test day yet, but I can at the same time. I really just don't know what to do.  I am still testing everyday/night with my ovacue and using the opk's just incase I have not ovulated yet, so I will catch it. I hope my husband doesn't read this but I have accidently  missed a whole day (2 doses) of my metformin and I wonder if that would throw my ovulation off completely (?).

    I just feel like I should give up, at least for this cycle anyway.  I thought since I was getting AF all on my own now with just metformin that I didn't need the RE... at least for a while anyway, but now I feel like I cannot do anything without his overpriced help.  Have any of you ever been in this situation? I feel like I am stuck in limbo, and right around Christmas and my birthday. Are these standard feelings of the two week wait. I mean, most women know when they ovulated, right? My ovacue confirmed ovulation.. I just don't know if I can trust it. GOD, I REALLY HATE THIS.

    I really don't know what to do.

On top of that, I made another blog video the other night that I focused on the cold truths of infertility and my camera died right in the middle of me talking to myself! It didn't even save any of it! I am trying to gather my thoughts back up so I can do another.. but that one was so unscripted and genuine, I felt like it really came from the heart.

It feels like my efforts have gone to hell. And when I get my bfn in a week it will be a big  "I told you so"

Youtube infertility vlog

Finally made a youtube video! Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr-CwKJh9PU&feature=colike

My right side and my wrong side.

    Moved a few things around in ovacue and the colors filled in on the calender (you can see it above). So it confirmed ovulation on the 7th.  I am currently 2dpo.  Isn't it a fight to track down ovulation... Waiting all through af, over analyzing every symptom, blah blah blah.. What sucks is even though I have gone through all of that, all of my ovulation pains have been on my wrong side left side.  Even though my RE told me that if I ovulate on the side with no fallopian tube, my right tube could pick it up.  Rare, but he said it does happen!  So even if I do ovulate and everything is perfect, I could still miss my egg because there is no way to get to it. RE said that he will give me double or maybe even triple time (a year or more) on clomid since I only have one tube.  I know what you are thinking, they say it is bad for you to stay on clomid that long, but he said that is a myth.

    I wish I could test today... because lets face it, December 21st will be 14dpo and while I doubt i'll wait that long to test (I will probably test 9dpo... I know, bad me) it is going to suck to find out your cycle failed right before Christmas, my birthday (the 27th), and my next doctors appointment (the 28th).

  In a way I am glad that we are on an RE break, however at the same time I am angry at myself.  It feels like we have reverted back to before we sought out reproductive help. Before I just denied in my mind that there was a problem and that everything would be ok.  Then I came to terms with it and went to the obgyn.  When we were working with the RE we were doing so well, getting so much done. I knew baby was right around the corner.  Now it feels like I am back to "nothings wrong, it will happen eventually". I guess in a way it is good because I am not so stressed out, but I don't feel motivated to get things done either.

  I suppose only time will tell. I don't want to get too excited, but its hard not to.

So Excited, I couldn't wait to post!

I wanted to post last night but decided to go to bed since it was late. Since af came unassisted this past time, I have been tracking and looking very closely for ovulation. My ovacue currently doesn't have a clue (haha). Had an issue with it that I will have to talk about I another Post... Anyway I have been interpreting the raw data and it looks like I am going tO ovulate today or tomorrow...woohoo! FYI, I have not been taking anything except metformin.

So my husband is driving me to work right now, it has been snowing all night and hasn't stopped... Isn't that crazy?! It is for Arkansas, that's for sure.

Off to work I go, have a good day!!

I just love you!

                                   

                                      I will always love you as much as I loved you this day

My heart will always melt when you look at me like this

I'll always take your hand

Promise to always make silly faces at me, ok?

Always kiss me goodbye

Eureka Springs will always be our special hide away

How could I ever love you more?

Empty Womb Feelings

    There have been several moments where I have attempt to verbalize what infertility means to me.  Try to put into words the emotions that I have (and i'm sure the emotions of everyone that goes through this).  To have a conversation with someone who is a stranger to a situation like this, who genuinely wants to know how I feel, what its like. I don't know what to say.  I mean, yeah we can all say things to try and explain, but for me the words do not do my feelings any justice.

    Until now, I didn't have words to describe this. Now, I think I do.

    Infertility to me is like playing the lottery.  You can talk all day about what you would do if you won all that money from the lottery.  Make imaginary plans for your life, how you would react when you got that "positive result".  How am I going to tell everyone? But it doesn't matter because who ever actually wins the lottery??

    I make plans for a nursery, we pick out names, and imagine what it will feel like the morning I see those double lines.  Truth is though, I feel like that is never going to happen. And not because it isn't happening when I want it to or anything like that... I just feel that I would never be that lucky to win.  

    So imagine that the only thing in life you ever wanted was to win the lottery... There is nothing you can do to increase your odds... you just play, card after card and you never win.  

    We feel empty, my husband and I.  We love each other more than anything, but something is missing.  There is a hole in our hearts and our lives every second.  We don't want to create a baby because we want one, (I mean, of course we want a baby!) it is more than that, we want to create a baby together because we love each other so much and it just feels right.. That is something that I cannot explain. I hope that this is a feeling that many couples get, so you understand what I mean when I can't explain it. 

    So if I had to put into words what I feel like all the time, I would have to say at this exact moment, that is the best I can do to describe it. 

And if that day comes when we are lucky enough to win the "lottery of life"...well, I guess I don't know what i'll do, but I can tell you that it will be the happiest day of our lives. 

P.S. Today is our 3 year anniversary of TTC (trying to conceive). I hope we are a lot closer today than we were three years ago. I must say, it has been quite the roller coaster. Coming from not knowing why I am not getting pregnant to knowing why and trying new medications and it still not working.  We still have our faith and that is something infertility will never take from me.