Finally, little feet

I know its been forever.. probably years since I have been on here. At one point in the fertility journey, I believe I reached the darkest place I have ever been and I turned away from almost everything. I'm back now :) and I hope that I can make blogging apart of my life again.. that being said, I have a HUGE update to do.

Yes, I finally have a single pair of little feet. Let me start with December of 2012.

We took the November-December cycle off. I just finished two round of clomid and a chemical pregnancy. I was waiting for CD 1 to go back to the RE.

My body felt funny and I did an opk December 8th and it was blazing positive. I know we weren't trying but it was awesome to see my body finally working. I kept doing opks a few days in a row and all positive!!!

December 29th I finally decided to quit putting off testing. I had been cramping badly for days, wondering why AF was no where to be found. There I was, sitting in the bathroom dipping a pregnancy test. The pink dye ran across the screen and I stared at the test area. I saw something. All I could think is my eyes are playing tricks!! Seconds that felt like hours ticked by and a beautiful pink line started to appear. My heart stopped, sped up, and skipped a beat all at the same time. I yelled frantically for my husband. When he came in all I could say was, "I'm pregnant!" Sure enough I was screaming and crying. Of course we ran out and bought several more tests, just to make sure!

Everything was positive, including digitals! Of course we were ecstatic bit by this point we had miscarried 4 babies, so we were "cautiously excited".

My first beta was December 30th- 276 :)

Throughout the next few weeks I had the worst cramping which landed me with a beta every 2-3 days for about two weeks. They always went up. The most beautiful thing ever.

Yay! Good News Everyone!

    Sorry it's been so long since my last post. We are looking at moving, Nate started a new job, and things have just been hectic in this house!!!

    We went back to the RE this past Monday, the 5th.  If you all remember, we haven't been back since he made us take a break back in October or November. He sat us in his office and said my levels of everything were looking good and he wanted to take the next step to get me pregnant! Woohoo! He wrote me my first prescription for clomid! Starting out on 50mg, CD 3-7.  Was on CD 26 day of doctors appointment but he went ahead and gave me provera to go ahead and start the cycle so we can start clomid!! So excited!!! Finally, some medication that is going to get stuff done. I go in for a mid cycle ultrasound on CD 12 or 13!!!! :D:D:D Honestly I am not expecting the 50mg to work for me. Since I got sick at the beginning of last month I have not been taking my metformin! I know I know, its bad.. I tried to take it the other day and I was SO SICK, it was the worst I have felt in a long time. I just couldn't bring myself to take it again and there was no way I was going to be able to go to work with what it was doing to my stomach.  Who knows, 50mg may be all we need!


Oh yeah, I am on day four of ten with provera... so six days of pills left. They are doing a number on me this time... Hot flashes, mood swings, the works... what is the deal with that?!

   Not much else is going on, I have lost another 8ish pounds since my last appointment with my family doctor in December. I'm not going to be all hardcore weight loss... bad for fertility. But I have made different lifestyle choices that are leading to a healthy weightloss, 1lb a week or so. That is fine by me.. I honestly wouldn't loose any weight, I really love my body the way it is, but I am doing for the sake of my fertility.

    I know I am going to get pregnant.. I know it is going to happen. It has to. Its going to work. It will work. Maybe not this cycle, but I know it will. I just have that feeling like it is our time. Things are great other than our incomplete family status.

                                                Look below for a bad ass rx!

A Doctor "Dis"Appointment...

   So our doctor's appointment with the OB/GYN was this past Tuesday, the 6th. We were expecting to start some sort of Provera/Clomid combination.

   I suppose my expectations were way too high going into this appointment. When we got into the exam room and our doctor came in he seemed so concerned and was asking me questions about my cycles and everything and I told him, I believe the problem is that I am just not ovulating. I think that if we can give my body a push, we would have a chance at this. Instead, he flat out refused to do anything. He said (this is the doctor that did my surgery), "Since you had your Fallopian tube taken out and your cycles are not regular, I don't think that there is anything I can do for you." I was floored! I asked him, "Can't we at least regulate my cycles and maybe try Clomid?" He explained to us that he was too afraid to do anything because he wasn't sure what the Fertility Specialist would want to do since this wasn't his area of expertise, then went into a rant about class-action lawsuits and people being sue-happy with Clomid. This is coming from a doctor who was the founder for most of the OB/GYN programs at this hospital/school. He made a call center for OB/GYN patients.. HE IS AN OB/GYN... Doesn't he know that being in this field alone is more risky than any other?! Then he has the nerve to tell me that he is afraid??

  I'll admit, I did get a little teary-eyed in the office. He sent me right across the hallway where the receptionist was already on the line with the fertility clinic. I was already so nervous about this place- this is the only fertility clinic in the state, so it's not like we have options. They were very cut and dry. They wanted my name, my insurance, and what I was being referred for. When the receptionist said "infertility" I couldn't hold it in. I think this is the first time in a clinical environment that anyone has said this related to me. Even the lady that was out in the hallway started to get choked up.

   They even told her to tell me to be sure to bring my marriage license with me to my first appointment; isn't that weird?! Has anyone else ever had to deal with something like that? I mean, I am married so it's not like I am worried about that. I suppose the fact that they would ask for something like that seems irrelevant and it makes me feel like they are cold-hearted or something...

  This person right here walked out of the office and through the waiting room with a wrinkled up tissue in hand and tears in her eyes... Maybe I made the people in the waiting room wonder what happened; made them feel like perhaps they came to the wrong place. Maybe for them too this place will become the office of broken dreams...

  For the rest of the day I felt so numb.  Like, what am I suppose to do now? Fortunately, Arkansas is one of 15 states with a mandate in place for fertility treatments. UNfortunately, it is only $15,000 and only covers IVF- without meds. It's not like we want to start at the top of the list with the most expensive and invasive treatment. So for now we have to pay all expenses out of pocket because this mandated money will not kick in until we have tried everything else and then it will only cover one cycle of IVF. So we want to try Clomid first and work our way up.

  At least today I didn't cry as much, but it seems so much easier now to get sad. I guess before we were actually referred to the "broken reproductive organs" clinic, I was hoping we would never have to get to the point where we would actually have to go there. I was sad before yesterday, but not nearly sad as I am now. I almost feel like a completely different person.

  I woke up this morning to my husband searching for infertility insurance and Rx discount plans. He was so into it and determined to find something. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there was nothing out there for us. Everything you find about it doesn't apply to patients or clinics in Arkansas.

  Right now I guess we are going to wait to see what this first visit brings us, it is on the 19th of this month. We are also looking into getting supplemental insurance that will cover ALL infertility diagnostic testing and treatment. However, if you are diagnosed with infertility before insurance coverage takes effect, they consider it a "preexisting condition" and coverage for IF treatment will not start for 12 months. Keep in mind though, we have not received an official diagnosis of infertility, yet. So hopefully we can get it going before that comes up.

  We are defiantly doing our research and getting our ducks in a row before this appointment. I can't imagine them having many patients our age- or maybe any at all, but we are going to go in there ready to fight this, we just hope they have the same attitude and are ready to fight this with us.

  On a plus, the doctor I am going to see studied OB/GYN at Johns Hopkins and was the president and everything of a ton of stuff regarding gynecology and infertility. He founded the clinic I will be going to and is responsible for most IVF's done in this state.

Please, God, let this work for us.

A spot of tea.. and a few other things

  As we approach our first doctors appointment to begin treatment I had a epiphany. I felt like I needed to try herbal remedies. My cycles have been lasting upwards of 100+ days without assistance from hormones. I feel like the first thing I need to do is regulate my cycle so they can become more predictable.So, as my mom was getting a massage I ran next door to a locally owned and operated nutritional herbal store and came across something called "FCS II".
   It claims to nourish the female reproductive system and to balance hormones and for urinary and glandular system support.  Its ingredients are :red raspberry leaves, blessed thistle aerial parts, dong quai root, queen of the meadow leaves, althea root, lobelia aerial parts, ginger rhizome, black cohosh and root and capscium fruit. Today is day 3 of taking two capsules three times a day. I have to admit, I feel a lot calmer and more relaxed. I have done some research and it says it is suppose to help regulate hormones and keep your cycle balanced. On my ovacue monitor before I was taking these the numbers were all over the chart.. they now seem to be staying with in 5 numbers of the last reading. While I may not be ovulating yet, it does seem like something is being balanced out.
   What I really want is to start my period again! Right now I am on about day 50 of this cycle and frustrated! I did some research on what can bring on suppressed periods and I came across blue cohosh. It looks like people also use it for abortions which I could not believe.. but I guess these days, people do some pretty crazy stuff. Anyway, we have about two weeks left until the doctors appointment where hopefully I will get clomid. Blue cohosh is suppose to increase blood flow to the pubic organs and tone your uterus. Hopefully it will cause a period and I can start with a new cycle.
   Finally, I got raspberry leaf tea-" to strengthen the female system". Its suppose to be great before and during pregnancy to regulate cycles, tone the uterus, increase blood flow to reproductive organs , relax the uterus,.. it seems amazing. I just bought it a few hours ago and haven't tried it yet. I am curious to see if it even works. I hope I am not deceived by the pretty pink swirly box and I hope it tastes good!

  I will report any effects!! hopefully it will be all good news!