A premature birth nightmare.

    At 30 weeks gestation, I believe it was June 30th.. I know it was a Saturday.. I went to work like any other day. However, I started to get a weird cramp that didn't subside. I rested, drank a lot of water, but nothing helped. I got of work at 3pm, went home and I was feeling like me again. We had decided to go out for dinner that night and when I was in the restroom I noticed I was bleeding. Attempting not to panic, I called my drs office who said I was find and I just needed to do kick counts. But as the nurse continued to ask questions she had deduced I had lost my mucous plug. So to labor and delivery we went!

    We were placed into triage around 6pm and immediately hooked up to a TOCO monitor and a fetal monitor. Jason was moving beautifully and hr was great! However I was contracting every 3 minutes.. not unusual for me as I was diagnosed previously with an "irritable uterus". My cervix was promptly check which revealed I was effaced to about 20% and dilated 1cm. I was given medication and iv fluids to stop contractions. The conservative measurements failed.

    It was like everything was moving very slow yet fast at the same time. A nurse came to admit me and I was taken to a full blown labor and delivery room. Scared as hell, my husband and I sat quietly as a whirlwind grew around us. Medications were being hung, I was signing consent forms for delivery, anesthesia came in to ask about and epidural.. I was still attempting to wrap mind around delivering at 30w0d.

    I contracted well into the night but thankfully my cervix hadn't changed anymore. Every hour past the administration of steroids for my baby's lungs was a huge goal.

    The next morning I was moved to the antepartum floor. We stayed in the hospital for 4 days. I had learned all about NICU'S and premature babies. I also learned my a1C was down to 5.6%.

    I was put on total bed rest until delivery. No work. No cleaning house. No nothing!

Finally, little feet

I know its been forever.. probably years since I have been on here. At one point in the fertility journey, I believe I reached the darkest place I have ever been and I turned away from almost everything. I'm back now :) and I hope that I can make blogging apart of my life again.. that being said, I have a HUGE update to do.

Yes, I finally have a single pair of little feet. Let me start with December of 2012.

We took the November-December cycle off. I just finished two round of clomid and a chemical pregnancy. I was waiting for CD 1 to go back to the RE.

My body felt funny and I did an opk December 8th and it was blazing positive. I know we weren't trying but it was awesome to see my body finally working. I kept doing opks a few days in a row and all positive!!!

December 29th I finally decided to quit putting off testing. I had been cramping badly for days, wondering why AF was no where to be found. There I was, sitting in the bathroom dipping a pregnancy test. The pink dye ran across the screen and I stared at the test area. I saw something. All I could think is my eyes are playing tricks!! Seconds that felt like hours ticked by and a beautiful pink line started to appear. My heart stopped, sped up, and skipped a beat all at the same time. I yelled frantically for my husband. When he came in all I could say was, "I'm pregnant!" Sure enough I was screaming and crying. Of course we ran out and bought several more tests, just to make sure!

Everything was positive, including digitals! Of course we were ecstatic bit by this point we had miscarried 4 babies, so we were "cautiously excited".

My first beta was December 30th- 276 :)

Throughout the next few weeks I had the worst cramping which landed me with a beta every 2-3 days for about two weeks. They always went up. The most beautiful thing ever.

Farewell 2011, you suck!

    Yeah, the title says it all. 2011 sucked badly. Everything terrible happened this year. My husband thinks I am being negative, however, I think the facts say it all. Lets do a time line, shall we?

January 2011-Started a new job
                     Moved into a new house. Not an actual`"new" place, it needed (needs) some major renovations 
                      Found out we were pregnant!! Totally ecstatic and scared s*!*$less at the same time!

February 2011- Had a m/c at 7 weeks and to top it off had a Dr that said, "whats the big deal, you can get                  
                         pregnant again"
                         Had the worst AF you could ever imagine as my body expelled our bean.
                         Got a new doctor and fired the B!tch doctor. Told him I was having terrible abdominal pain,
                          he ordered an ultrasound.

March 2011- Went in for an ultrasound and they told me my husband couldn't come back with me. Totally
                      uncool, we are with each other 100% of the way with this and they separated us :(.  The lady
                      let me look at the screen until she quickly turned it away and told me I couldn't look.

April 2011- Tried calling my doctor every day for a month to get my ultrasound results, found out he was on a month long vacation and I would have to wait.

May 2011- the b!tch doctor read my results and tried to tell me I had a sexually transmitted disease. My
                  husband and I tried to find out who cheated on who.
                  A couple days later my regular doctor called to have me come in. Found out I did NOT have an
                 STD but a hydrosalphinx and he told me it was no big deal and it could be taken care of.
                  Went to obgyn who said that I would for sure have to loose my fallopian tube. Did an
                  endometrial biopsy or EMB which landed me in the hospital for 3 days.
                 I was pissed that I had to have a partial hysterectomy at 21.

June 2011- Had left fallopian tube removed. VERY painful!

July 2011- celebrated 1st wedding anniversary!
                 Obgyn refused to help with infertility or at least try a round of clomid for fear of lawsuit (yeah,
                 really, right!) Referred to reproductive endocrinologist.

August 2011- First appointment with RE, diagnosed with PCOS. Started provera because I was currently on
                      CD 180 at time of appointment.

September 2011- Semen analysis showed normal despite RE's suspicion of low count because of DH's
                            undecended testical that was corrected at birth.

October 2011- Had hysterosalphingogram or HSG, PPAAAIINNFULL!, showed compleatly normal
                        right side :D :D :D, and compleatly nonfunctional  left side.
                        Had glucose tolerance test which showed abnormal.

November 2011- Had a1c drawn at RE's office, showed 6.8 and RE decided to drop all treatment plans until
                            it is "under control".
                           Went to family doctor to formulate a plan. Dr was as stunned as we were as to why the RE
                            sent us to a family doctor to control insulin resistance when it was infact caused by PCOS.
                           Started metformin er 750 mg twice a day.
                            Ovulated and had af all on my own.

December 2011- took a pregnancy test at 6 dpo which showed a BFP!!!!! ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't
                           believe it!
                           Took more hpt's and all showed negative. Found out the brand I was using was recalled for
                            false positives, FML.
                           Metformin upped to 2000 mg's a day.
                           Fertility plan still unknown at this point.

   So as you can see, this is not me being negative, its just the facts! Just so we're clear, nothing good happened this year, nothing really, I swear. I am clinically depressed at this point. Mainly because we cannot continue on with fertility treatments because my body is hardly responding to metformin. I really hope 2012 is a better year for us. The only thing that could happen to be worse is to loose my other tube or have another m/c. It has got to be a good year. I'm going to get my body into tip top shape for a baby!

eh, whatever

    I have been meaning to type up a new post, but I just haven't had the time lately!  During my 2ww I had a positive hpt but then found out that the tests I had (same lot number and all) were being recalled for false positives. It is kind of funny now, I mean, I am really upset about it... But go figure, right?! Things just don't really seem to shock me anymore. So, I am about 19 dpo or something like that, AF never showed despite the fact that I started all on my own last month.

    I started my first dose of provera yesterday and I am in hormonal hell. Everything is making me upset, I HATE THIS! I hate taking provera, its like, a reminder that my body sucks so bad that it can't even do its most common function. It also feels like giving up. I try to keep hope through every cycle and I  never want to quit believing that this is my month... but 19dpo and nothing...its time to start provera.

    That being said, today is my birthday.  Nothing special happened. I went to work where I had the strangest psych patient. I came home to a husband on the couch watching movies all day and a trashed house. I was so upset I just went to lay down in bed. I slept until about 6pm, woke up and here I am. Nothing planned, no cake, no dinner. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought dh would have flowers...or something, I couldn't even get him to rub my feet... I guess my birthdays are just not as special as they use to be, its like no one gives a damn anymore.

    I have a follow up appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to recheck my a1c level and I can tell you right now that it has not changed.  I've been on my metformin, but when I was diagnosed with bells palsy I had some heavy steroids to take and I was told that they would throw my sugar levels off big time. On the plus side I have lost 5 more pounds this month... thats something my family doc doesnt really seem to care about to much.  All this appointment is going to prove is that I am a failure and I will not be returning to the RE in January, go figure, right.

    It just seems to be hard to have much faith anymore, faith is running low. I feel a bit cheated. I'm getting sick of hearing "oops, we accidently got pregnant, we didn't even want kids" or something of that nature. It all just makes me a little.. I don't know what word i'm looking for.

    I feel like I am flirting with the line of sanity and insanity.

Yay!

    I was so upset the day that the RE called and told me he was holding off all of our treatment until my blood sugar lowered a bit.  Went to the family doctor and we started metformin extended release 750 mg twice a day.  He said my a1c would be down a point in a month and that should be plenty good enough to start back treatment again.  So my appointment is set for December 28th.  It just seems like we will never get back on track to start treatment again.

   So get this, I woke up in TERRIBLE pain the night before last... Had no idea what was going on. The next day, AF showed up.. without progesterone!  Turns out the positive opk I had exactly 14 days before af showed up was truly positive. AHH!  Who knows, I may not even need to go back to the RE?! I read that metformin can regulate your cycle and bring on ovulation... but I heard that would take months. I can't believe I started on my own and exactly 14 dpo.. amazing! My husband and I almost started crying yesterday morning, we were so excited and so proud. See, normal couples would not rejoice in a period, but for us it was like winning a gold!!

    I know if this keeps up, we are in the home stretch.

On that note I want to congratulate one of my blog buddies who just found out that she was expecting this week! I am so excited for her, and I cannot wait to read all of her updates on her pregnancy! I will be praying for a healthy and exciting 9 months!

Little PIInk Lines and Friday the 13th

    Teetering between positive pregnancy tests and negative pregnancy tests.  Yet another chemical pregnancy??

    This was an un-medicated cycle, mostly.  It was started with provera, but no clomid, yet.  So you can imagine my surprise when my fertility monitor showed that I was going to ovulate this month.  We monitored daily and did our part.  The two week wait came and is still here. I am currently 11 dpo (days past ovulation).  Yesterday I took a pregnancy test before heading to work and to our surprise, it was POSITIVE. (!what!). Tried not to get our hopes up and tried to forget about it. I would test later to see what it said.  Later that afternoon, same result.

    Today, nothing. Another chemical pregnancy it seems. But, Before I give up all hope for this month (and our July Friday the 13th due date) I will continue to test to the recommended 14 days (with my cycle length I should test until the 9th).  We will see!

  I hope tomorrow will give us a better outcome.  I wish these didn't exist, either be negative or positive and stay positive.  It is hard enough for all of us Infertiles to get pregnant, but when we do, can we at least carry to term and have a speed bump free pregnancy??