A small update

    So I hope everyone had a good holiday. Mine was decent.

    Had my most recent doctors appointment yesterday with the family doctor. As all of you know our RE has stopped seeing us until my a1c of 6.8 is dropped down and under control-I don't know what he wants it to get to-according to all of our research, anything under 7 is considered "under control". So I started metformin a few weeks ago and attempted to change my diet.
     I refuse to use the term "going on a diet" because that's just stupid. If you are at a point where you need to go on a diet its because your daily diet sucks... So you don't need a diet, you need a daily diet overhaul. A permanent change.
    My blood sugars seemed to be fairly decent. However, I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy a few weeks ago and had to take some pretty impressive steroids. Found out those will screw up your blood sugar.
    Anywho, went in for that and had some blood drawn to check it. I did a home check a few weeks ago and it was 6.7, down 1/10th, but thats not good enough of a change for me. I hope it is lower now.
    My family doctor, which I hand picked because I use to work with him in the ER, is awesome. He listens to me and gets the job at hand done and delt with. He has been our doctor since our miscarriage, he found the hydrosalphinx and got us to the obgyn and RE. However, at this appointment I really was questioning his knowledge of anything. He was trying to find a way to get my blood sugars down and told me that he was going to put me on birth control... WHAT!!??.. He said to regulate my cycles and get rid of insulin resistance. I was like, um, doctor.. excuse me but I have PCOS and the second I come off of that birth control pill which I hate so much, everything will go right back to the way it was. He went and talked to the attending doctor who told him it would be pointless to put me on bc since it would be defeating the whole purpose of us being here, a pregnancy. So he upped my metformin to 1000 mg twice a day. Up from my 1500 mg a day. We will see how this goes. He is going to call my RE tomorrow and ask him what he is expecting of us. Which is pretty awesome of him to do.

   I am ready to get this situated because me not getting af on my own like I did last month is pissing me off. In my last post I told you that I started provera again, which as we all know means I will not ovulate and have a real period... Which means I will go through an AF where I cant even ttc... Because I wont ovulate after provera, right? So this really sucks, I don't really know what I am to do right now.

My right side and my wrong side.

    Moved a few things around in ovacue and the colors filled in on the calender (you can see it above). So it confirmed ovulation on the 7th.  I am currently 2dpo.  Isn't it a fight to track down ovulation... Waiting all through af, over analyzing every symptom, blah blah blah.. What sucks is even though I have gone through all of that, all of my ovulation pains have been on my wrong side left side.  Even though my RE told me that if I ovulate on the side with no fallopian tube, my right tube could pick it up.  Rare, but he said it does happen!  So even if I do ovulate and everything is perfect, I could still miss my egg because there is no way to get to it. RE said that he will give me double or maybe even triple time (a year or more) on clomid since I only have one tube.  I know what you are thinking, they say it is bad for you to stay on clomid that long, but he said that is a myth.

    I wish I could test today... because lets face it, December 21st will be 14dpo and while I doubt i'll wait that long to test (I will probably test 9dpo... I know, bad me) it is going to suck to find out your cycle failed right before Christmas, my birthday (the 27th), and my next doctors appointment (the 28th).

  In a way I am glad that we are on an RE break, however at the same time I am angry at myself.  It feels like we have reverted back to before we sought out reproductive help. Before I just denied in my mind that there was a problem and that everything would be ok.  Then I came to terms with it and went to the obgyn.  When we were working with the RE we were doing so well, getting so much done. I knew baby was right around the corner.  Now it feels like I am back to "nothings wrong, it will happen eventually". I guess in a way it is good because I am not so stressed out, but I don't feel motivated to get things done either.

  I suppose only time will tell. I don't want to get too excited, but its hard not to.

Give me a break, I give up!

    Just when I think things have taken a turn for the better, life throws one back at me...again.

    My RE was concerned about PCOS elevating my sugar and impairing my insulin so, on our first visit a few months ago, I had an A1c test which showed slightly elevated.  Then he wanted me to get a glucose tolerance test.  After playing phone tag for a week with my primary care doctor's office finally got me in.

    It was a terrible experience.  Right off the bat my phlebotomist came out and said that this was his first time ever doing this.  I could tell because the glucose he gave me, I think, was too much.  I read the instructions and the whole bottle was 100 grams... For pregnant women testing for gestational diabetes they get 100 grams and non pregnant women are suppose to get 80.  Needless to say, the guy had no idea and had me drink the whole bottle.  After he proceeded to blow both of my garden hose veins in my AC, he said I would get a blood draw every hour. I'm not sure if it makes a difference but he was late 15 minutes past every hour.

   Longer story short, I got a voicemail from my RE yesterday stating that my levels were abnormal and they could indicate diabetes.  He then said he was stopping my treatment until I could get this under control.  WHAT? He is an endocrinologist after all!!  He had written me an RX for metformin on our last appointment, I don't understand why he just won't start me on that... I mean, when my family doctor called me with the results he said that's all I would need.

    So now after all of the progress we have made with the RE is gone.  You know how they say you are most fertile within 3 months after your HSG, that's gone now too.  I am so angry.

    I had so much hope with my RE, he was so confident in us and now that he is stopped my treatment I feel like I have no hope any more.

   Just another thing, I guess, to tack on to our roadblocks.

There is one thing I do not understand.  They said my fasting blood sugar was 177; however, I have been checking my fasting blood sugar every day for the past week and the highest that I have ever gotten was 130, the lowest was 88.  I am so confused!

All of the goals I set for us this year are now out of reach. What am suppose to do now? I am still losing weight, I am still on my new eating habits- what am I doing wrong? I feel like I am being punished.

God, I don't know what message you are trying to get to me.  Can't anything go well?  Can't we ever get some good news? Am I supposed to just not care about this? Please, tell me what I am suppose to do...

Torture in October

    Yesterday I had my HSG.  I have been looking forward to getting this done all year, at the same time I was really nervous. I had a strange feeling that my right tube was not going to be any good either.

    My appointment was at 1pm so I worked that morning from 6:30 am to 12:00pm.  I have never been so angry at work before.  Long story short when I found out when I had to do this (the only day they would do this during the week) I asked someone if they would be able to work my shift for me.  She could but the only thing was that she couldn't be in until 1:00 pm.  So no one had a problem with this until yesterday morning when the charge nurse flipped out on me... she was so rude and completely unprofessional.  As if I wasn't nervous enough already, this person had to show her ass yesterday.  My boss (which is over her) is the one that said this was ok, so i'm not worried about getting in "trouble"... but she defiantly didn't help my day go any better.

    So pissed off, angry, and nervous I walk to the bathroom before I leave work and I stare into the mirror.  I can see the tears building up behind my eyes.  I had a feeling of overwhelming fear.  Fear of the pain, fear of the results, fear of the fact that this is really happening.  I walked out and met my husband, he always makes me feel better.  A few minutes later we were at the hospital.  We checked in at 12:30 and waited in the lobby for about 20 minutes.  Then we went to registration where we were until about 1:15.  I thought when we made an appointment for 1pm we would be further along in the process than this.  So at 2:15 the radiology assistant finally came to get us.

    Fortunately, my husband was allowed to be in the room with me.  I changed into their "mini" hospital gown that came about an inch to my upper thigh.  We walked to the room and I was instructed to lay on the table. My husband suited up with a lead vest.  Moments later a resident and my doctor walked through the door.  I didn't know a resident would be doing my procedure.  I mean, I work at a university hospital but the fertility clinic that I go to has nothing to do with this hospital.  Not that I mind residents or anything, but I wish they would of told me before hand, that way I knew what to expect.

    Did I mention she was pregnant??  She was.  So was the surgeon that "took out" (i'll explain later) my fallopian tube, the resident I first talked to at the clinic, and the ob/gyn doctor I had to see in the ER.  My husband chuckled a little bit in the room... he and I didn't need to say anything, we knew just what the other was thinking.

    The resident said she would talk me through every step.  Even with the medication, I was still very aware of what was going on.  First the speculum, then some weird wet thing that was very painful that I later figured to be some giant wad of 4x4's soaked in betadine (she didn't talk me through that step).  Then she says, "ok, your going to feel a big stick and a burn" and i'm like.. what? why? Come to find out that they were numbing my cervix with lidocaine ,injected.  But not until about two minutes later did she stick me, so I thought oh ok she did it and I didn't even feel it. No.  Talk about pain! My husband later told me that they used a 6 inch 14 gauge needle! ah! What were they doing.. a spinal tap on my cervix? Geeze!

    After that the resident didn't tell me anything she was doing.  They then inserted a (this is all according to my husband because I couldn't see or remember) "giant metal ET tube looking thing with a ball on one end"- my husbands description.  No wonder why it hurt so bad!!  Then they injected 20cc's of contrast into my uterus... It was the strangest feeling in the world.

  Then the freaky part... are you ready for this??

   My RE then says..."so wait, you said you had one of your tubes removed?" and I say, "yes, the left one, the right one should still be there". RE- "well, I see both of your tubes and they are both open. You have both of your tubes"... At that point my heart skipped a few beats and it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach.  Could this be my bundle branch block or the fact that they just tortured my womanhood? Not at all, its because in June I had a surgery to take my left tube out and now you are telling me it is there?!?!

    The RE stared at the screen for minutes trying to figure out what was going on.  All he could come up with was that it appeared there was a hole in my left tube... He said he would have to look at my operative report, again, to figure out what was going on.

    Scratching his head he said, "we need to see you back in the clinic", and walked out.

    Then I attempted the impossible and trying to get off of this table.  I did fairly well and made it to the bathroom doubled over.  They appropriately had handles on either side of the toilet because I NEEDED THEM! haha, it was terrible.  But I was really happy that I have a perfectly normal side!

   After that we went to the clinic to get Nate's semen analysis results.  Everything looked good with that too.

    So we are guessing with the next appointment we will be started on clomid and maybe metformin for my PCOS.

    Excited! Haven't scheduled my next appointment yet, but I will probably call today!

Here We Go

    I know it has been a while since I typed my last blog post.  This past Monday, the 19th we met with with our Reproductive Endocrinologist.  I have been looking online at this place since I found out we were going here.  Some stuff I read about it was really good, some, not so good. To say the least, we were nervous.

    As we walked back to the exam room my hands were shaking! Eventually we were taken back into the RE's office. The game plan for the day was an ultrasound and pelvic exam and depending on what we found with that would determine what our next move was. The ultrasound showed that I have some cysts on my cervix, but they said that is completely normal and a lot of people have them, it should have no bearing on trying to conceive. He said my uterus looked great. When we got to my ovaries he said they had the classic "string of pearls" appearance that Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  He also said that I have plenty of eggs/follicles in each of my ovaries.

    I am glad I did plenty of research on PCOS and I had pretty much diagnosed myself with it-so I wasn't really shocked  or anything.  The RE said he wasn't 100% sure that it was PCOS but it was a great possibility. He went ahead and prescribed me Provera once a day for 12 days to kick start my cycle (I was on  day 72 (!!!) at this appointment). He was going to give me Clomid but we are going to do a hysterosalphingogram or HSG before that... There is no since in inducing ovulation if your tubes or in my case tube isn't even open.

   So I have to wait for the first day of my cycle to call and schedule the HSG.  I am on the 5th pill today, I think. So about another week and a half and I can schedule it.  Also, since my husband had an undescended testicle that was corrected when he was an infant, the doctor is concerned about male factor infertility.  He has an appointment for a semen analysis this coming up Wednesday.  He is nervous that his count may be low- or non-existent.  We have been talking about what we will do if that is the case... donor sperm I guess but we are not going to think too much about this until we have some solid answers.

    The RE we have is amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. He made us feel important, like he really cared about our situation and is going to do whatever it takes to solve this puzzle. He is very sweet.

    When we were leaving the office we were handed a price list.  As many of you know, most insurance companies in this country do not cover any type of fertility treatment.  We are lucky in that our insurance company covers 1 office visit, 1 HSG, 1 round of blood work, 1 post coital test, 1 semen analysis and something else that I can't think of at the moment. 15 states have mandates concerning infertility.  Arkansas has a mandate that states insurance companies must cover testing to diagnose fertility (the one of each list that I put above) and one round of IVF, medications not included. Medications for an IVF cycle can be around $6,000 once it is all said and done. People think that these mandates are great.. I think it is crappy. They will pay part of the fee to diagnose you with something and then kick you to the curb when it comes for treatment.

    The down side is we are on our own for the rest. The office visit charge is anywhere from $150-$350, just for the visit. This fee does not include any procedure or test performed during the visit.  Also, an intrauterine insemination is only $190 (a great price). For 12 pills ( a months supply) is only $3 for me. A months supply for Clomid (about 5 pills) will be around $15.  I guess it is a lot better than we were expecting. This we can afford. We are going to be in trouble though if the Clomid or trigger shots don't work and we have to do invitro fertilization or IVF.

    If anyone that is having to go through treatment wants a copy of my price list, just let me know and I will send one to you.

I drink raspberry leaf tea - it is suppose to strengthen the uterus and increase blood flow to the pelvic organs among some other great things. On every bag of tea there is a quote, like this one above.

A Doctor "Dis"Appointment...

   So our doctor's appointment with the OB/GYN was this past Tuesday, the 6th. We were expecting to start some sort of Provera/Clomid combination.

   I suppose my expectations were way too high going into this appointment. When we got into the exam room and our doctor came in he seemed so concerned and was asking me questions about my cycles and everything and I told him, I believe the problem is that I am just not ovulating. I think that if we can give my body a push, we would have a chance at this. Instead, he flat out refused to do anything. He said (this is the doctor that did my surgery), "Since you had your Fallopian tube taken out and your cycles are not regular, I don't think that there is anything I can do for you." I was floored! I asked him, "Can't we at least regulate my cycles and maybe try Clomid?" He explained to us that he was too afraid to do anything because he wasn't sure what the Fertility Specialist would want to do since this wasn't his area of expertise, then went into a rant about class-action lawsuits and people being sue-happy with Clomid. This is coming from a doctor who was the founder for most of the OB/GYN programs at this hospital/school. He made a call center for OB/GYN patients.. HE IS AN OB/GYN... Doesn't he know that being in this field alone is more risky than any other?! Then he has the nerve to tell me that he is afraid??

  I'll admit, I did get a little teary-eyed in the office. He sent me right across the hallway where the receptionist was already on the line with the fertility clinic. I was already so nervous about this place- this is the only fertility clinic in the state, so it's not like we have options. They were very cut and dry. They wanted my name, my insurance, and what I was being referred for. When the receptionist said "infertility" I couldn't hold it in. I think this is the first time in a clinical environment that anyone has said this related to me. Even the lady that was out in the hallway started to get choked up.

   They even told her to tell me to be sure to bring my marriage license with me to my first appointment; isn't that weird?! Has anyone else ever had to deal with something like that? I mean, I am married so it's not like I am worried about that. I suppose the fact that they would ask for something like that seems irrelevant and it makes me feel like they are cold-hearted or something...

  This person right here walked out of the office and through the waiting room with a wrinkled up tissue in hand and tears in her eyes... Maybe I made the people in the waiting room wonder what happened; made them feel like perhaps they came to the wrong place. Maybe for them too this place will become the office of broken dreams...

  For the rest of the day I felt so numb.  Like, what am I suppose to do now? Fortunately, Arkansas is one of 15 states with a mandate in place for fertility treatments. UNfortunately, it is only $15,000 and only covers IVF- without meds. It's not like we want to start at the top of the list with the most expensive and invasive treatment. So for now we have to pay all expenses out of pocket because this mandated money will not kick in until we have tried everything else and then it will only cover one cycle of IVF. So we want to try Clomid first and work our way up.

  At least today I didn't cry as much, but it seems so much easier now to get sad. I guess before we were actually referred to the "broken reproductive organs" clinic, I was hoping we would never have to get to the point where we would actually have to go there. I was sad before yesterday, but not nearly sad as I am now. I almost feel like a completely different person.

  I woke up this morning to my husband searching for infertility insurance and Rx discount plans. He was so into it and determined to find something. I didn't have the heart to tell him that there was nothing out there for us. Everything you find about it doesn't apply to patients or clinics in Arkansas.

  Right now I guess we are going to wait to see what this first visit brings us, it is on the 19th of this month. We are also looking into getting supplemental insurance that will cover ALL infertility diagnostic testing and treatment. However, if you are diagnosed with infertility before insurance coverage takes effect, they consider it a "preexisting condition" and coverage for IF treatment will not start for 12 months. Keep in mind though, we have not received an official diagnosis of infertility, yet. So hopefully we can get it going before that comes up.

  We are defiantly doing our research and getting our ducks in a row before this appointment. I can't imagine them having many patients our age- or maybe any at all, but we are going to go in there ready to fight this, we just hope they have the same attitude and are ready to fight this with us.

  On a plus, the doctor I am going to see studied OB/GYN at Johns Hopkins and was the president and everything of a ton of stuff regarding gynecology and infertility. He founded the clinic I will be going to and is responsible for most IVF's done in this state.

Please, God, let this work for us.