Farewell 2011, you suck!

    Yeah, the title says it all. 2011 sucked badly. Everything terrible happened this year. My husband thinks I am being negative, however, I think the facts say it all. Lets do a time line, shall we?

January 2011-Started a new job
                     Moved into a new house. Not an actual`"new" place, it needed (needs) some major renovations 
                      Found out we were pregnant!! Totally ecstatic and scared s*!*$less at the same time!

February 2011- Had a m/c at 7 weeks and to top it off had a Dr that said, "whats the big deal, you can get                  
                         pregnant again"
                         Had the worst AF you could ever imagine as my body expelled our bean.
                         Got a new doctor and fired the B!tch doctor. Told him I was having terrible abdominal pain,
                          he ordered an ultrasound.

March 2011- Went in for an ultrasound and they told me my husband couldn't come back with me. Totally
                      uncool, we are with each other 100% of the way with this and they separated us :(.  The lady
                      let me look at the screen until she quickly turned it away and told me I couldn't look.

April 2011- Tried calling my doctor every day for a month to get my ultrasound results, found out he was on a month long vacation and I would have to wait.

May 2011- the b!tch doctor read my results and tried to tell me I had a sexually transmitted disease. My
                  husband and I tried to find out who cheated on who.
                  A couple days later my regular doctor called to have me come in. Found out I did NOT have an
                 STD but a hydrosalphinx and he told me it was no big deal and it could be taken care of.
                  Went to obgyn who said that I would for sure have to loose my fallopian tube. Did an
                  endometrial biopsy or EMB which landed me in the hospital for 3 days.
                 I was pissed that I had to have a partial hysterectomy at 21.

June 2011- Had left fallopian tube removed. VERY painful!

July 2011- celebrated 1st wedding anniversary!
                 Obgyn refused to help with infertility or at least try a round of clomid for fear of lawsuit (yeah,
                 really, right!) Referred to reproductive endocrinologist.

August 2011- First appointment with RE, diagnosed with PCOS. Started provera because I was currently on
                      CD 180 at time of appointment.

September 2011- Semen analysis showed normal despite RE's suspicion of low count because of DH's
                            undecended testical that was corrected at birth.

October 2011- Had hysterosalphingogram or HSG, PPAAAIINNFULL!, showed compleatly normal
                        right side :D :D :D, and compleatly nonfunctional  left side.
                        Had glucose tolerance test which showed abnormal.

November 2011- Had a1c drawn at RE's office, showed 6.8 and RE decided to drop all treatment plans until
                            it is "under control".
                           Went to family doctor to formulate a plan. Dr was as stunned as we were as to why the RE
                            sent us to a family doctor to control insulin resistance when it was infact caused by PCOS.
                           Started metformin er 750 mg twice a day.
                            Ovulated and had af all on my own.

December 2011- took a pregnancy test at 6 dpo which showed a BFP!!!!! ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't
                           believe it!
                           Took more hpt's and all showed negative. Found out the brand I was using was recalled for
                            false positives, FML.
                           Metformin upped to 2000 mg's a day.
                           Fertility plan still unknown at this point.

   So as you can see, this is not me being negative, its just the facts! Just so we're clear, nothing good happened this year, nothing really, I swear. I am clinically depressed at this point. Mainly because we cannot continue on with fertility treatments because my body is hardly responding to metformin. I really hope 2012 is a better year for us. The only thing that could happen to be worse is to loose my other tube or have another m/c. It has got to be a good year. I'm going to get my body into tip top shape for a baby!

I give up.

    I am so confused. Did I ovulate, or not.  Which should I trust... a $400 machine or a .50 cent dipstick?  Everyone on my countdowntopregnancy.com page is swearing by the sticks, but i'm just not sold yet.  So today I am either 4dpo or I haven't ovulated yet.  This really sucks.  I feel like I can't count down to test day yet, but I can at the same time. I really just don't know what to do.  I am still testing everyday/night with my ovacue and using the opk's just incase I have not ovulated yet, so I will catch it. I hope my husband doesn't read this but I have accidently  missed a whole day (2 doses) of my metformin and I wonder if that would throw my ovulation off completely (?).

    I just feel like I should give up, at least for this cycle anyway.  I thought since I was getting AF all on my own now with just metformin that I didn't need the RE... at least for a while anyway, but now I feel like I cannot do anything without his overpriced help.  Have any of you ever been in this situation? I feel like I am stuck in limbo, and right around Christmas and my birthday. Are these standard feelings of the two week wait. I mean, most women know when they ovulated, right? My ovacue confirmed ovulation.. I just don't know if I can trust it. GOD, I REALLY HATE THIS.

    I really don't know what to do.

On top of that, I made another blog video the other night that I focused on the cold truths of infertility and my camera died right in the middle of me talking to myself! It didn't even save any of it! I am trying to gather my thoughts back up so I can do another.. but that one was so unscripted and genuine, I felt like it really came from the heart.

It feels like my efforts have gone to hell. And when I get my bfn in a week it will be a big  "I told you so"

Empty Womb Feelings

    There have been several moments where I have attempt to verbalize what infertility means to me.  Try to put into words the emotions that I have (and i'm sure the emotions of everyone that goes through this).  To have a conversation with someone who is a stranger to a situation like this, who genuinely wants to know how I feel, what its like. I don't know what to say.  I mean, yeah we can all say things to try and explain, but for me the words do not do my feelings any justice.

    Until now, I didn't have words to describe this. Now, I think I do.

    Infertility to me is like playing the lottery.  You can talk all day about what you would do if you won all that money from the lottery.  Make imaginary plans for your life, how you would react when you got that "positive result".  How am I going to tell everyone? But it doesn't matter because who ever actually wins the lottery??

    I make plans for a nursery, we pick out names, and imagine what it will feel like the morning I see those double lines.  Truth is though, I feel like that is never going to happen. And not because it isn't happening when I want it to or anything like that... I just feel that I would never be that lucky to win.  

    So imagine that the only thing in life you ever wanted was to win the lottery... There is nothing you can do to increase your odds... you just play, card after card and you never win.  

    We feel empty, my husband and I.  We love each other more than anything, but something is missing.  There is a hole in our hearts and our lives every second.  We don't want to create a baby because we want one, (I mean, of course we want a baby!) it is more than that, we want to create a baby together because we love each other so much and it just feels right.. That is something that I cannot explain. I hope that this is a feeling that many couples get, so you understand what I mean when I can't explain it. 

    So if I had to put into words what I feel like all the time, I would have to say at this exact moment, that is the best I can do to describe it. 

And if that day comes when we are lucky enough to win the "lottery of life"...well, I guess I don't know what i'll do, but I can tell you that it will be the happiest day of our lives. 

P.S. Today is our 3 year anniversary of TTC (trying to conceive). I hope we are a lot closer today than we were three years ago. I must say, it has been quite the roller coaster. Coming from not knowing why I am not getting pregnant to knowing why and trying new medications and it still not working.  We still have our faith and that is something infertility will never take from me. 

A Family Picture

Taken the weekend before Halloween this year at my mom's block party.

My dog, Lilly Bo, was Princess Leia... she had a wig but she didn't like it very much!

Little PIInk Lines and Friday the 13th

    Teetering between positive pregnancy tests and negative pregnancy tests.  Yet another chemical pregnancy??

    This was an un-medicated cycle, mostly.  It was started with provera, but no clomid, yet.  So you can imagine my surprise when my fertility monitor showed that I was going to ovulate this month.  We monitored daily and did our part.  The two week wait came and is still here. I am currently 11 dpo (days past ovulation).  Yesterday I took a pregnancy test before heading to work and to our surprise, it was POSITIVE. (!what!). Tried not to get our hopes up and tried to forget about it. I would test later to see what it said.  Later that afternoon, same result.

    Today, nothing. Another chemical pregnancy it seems. But, Before I give up all hope for this month (and our July Friday the 13th due date) I will continue to test to the recommended 14 days (with my cycle length I should test until the 9th).  We will see!

  I hope tomorrow will give us a better outcome.  I wish these didn't exist, either be negative or positive and stay positive.  It is hard enough for all of us Infertiles to get pregnant, but when we do, can we at least carry to term and have a speed bump free pregnancy??