eh, whatever

    I have been meaning to type up a new post, but I just haven't had the time lately!  During my 2ww I had a positive hpt but then found out that the tests I had (same lot number and all) were being recalled for false positives. It is kind of funny now, I mean, I am really upset about it... But go figure, right?! Things just don't really seem to shock me anymore. So, I am about 19 dpo or something like that, AF never showed despite the fact that I started all on my own last month.

    I started my first dose of provera yesterday and I am in hormonal hell. Everything is making me upset, I HATE THIS! I hate taking provera, its like, a reminder that my body sucks so bad that it can't even do its most common function. It also feels like giving up. I try to keep hope through every cycle and I  never want to quit believing that this is my month... but 19dpo and nothing...its time to start provera.

    That being said, today is my birthday.  Nothing special happened. I went to work where I had the strangest psych patient. I came home to a husband on the couch watching movies all day and a trashed house. I was so upset I just went to lay down in bed. I slept until about 6pm, woke up and here I am. Nothing planned, no cake, no dinner. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought dh would have flowers...or something, I couldn't even get him to rub my feet... I guess my birthdays are just not as special as they use to be, its like no one gives a damn anymore.

    I have a follow up appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to recheck my a1c level and I can tell you right now that it has not changed.  I've been on my metformin, but when I was diagnosed with bells palsy I had some heavy steroids to take and I was told that they would throw my sugar levels off big time. On the plus side I have lost 5 more pounds this month... thats something my family doc doesnt really seem to care about to much.  All this appointment is going to prove is that I am a failure and I will not be returning to the RE in January, go figure, right.

    It just seems to be hard to have much faith anymore, faith is running low. I feel a bit cheated. I'm getting sick of hearing "oops, we accidently got pregnant, we didn't even want kids" or something of that nature. It all just makes me a little.. I don't know what word i'm looking for.

    I feel like I am flirting with the line of sanity and insanity.

My right side and my wrong side.

    Moved a few things around in ovacue and the colors filled in on the calender (you can see it above). So it confirmed ovulation on the 7th.  I am currently 2dpo.  Isn't it a fight to track down ovulation... Waiting all through af, over analyzing every symptom, blah blah blah.. What sucks is even though I have gone through all of that, all of my ovulation pains have been on my wrong side left side.  Even though my RE told me that if I ovulate on the side with no fallopian tube, my right tube could pick it up.  Rare, but he said it does happen!  So even if I do ovulate and everything is perfect, I could still miss my egg because there is no way to get to it. RE said that he will give me double or maybe even triple time (a year or more) on clomid since I only have one tube.  I know what you are thinking, they say it is bad for you to stay on clomid that long, but he said that is a myth.

    I wish I could test today... because lets face it, December 21st will be 14dpo and while I doubt i'll wait that long to test (I will probably test 9dpo... I know, bad me) it is going to suck to find out your cycle failed right before Christmas, my birthday (the 27th), and my next doctors appointment (the 28th).

  In a way I am glad that we are on an RE break, however at the same time I am angry at myself.  It feels like we have reverted back to before we sought out reproductive help. Before I just denied in my mind that there was a problem and that everything would be ok.  Then I came to terms with it and went to the obgyn.  When we were working with the RE we were doing so well, getting so much done. I knew baby was right around the corner.  Now it feels like I am back to "nothings wrong, it will happen eventually". I guess in a way it is good because I am not so stressed out, but I don't feel motivated to get things done either.

  I suppose only time will tell. I don't want to get too excited, but its hard not to.