I miss you, fallopian tube..

   So none of us ever thought it would be this hard to have a baby, right?! We knew it would be a fairy tale- we would fall in love with the man of our dreams, have a perfect wedding, and then have beautiful babies from a non-complicated pregnancy. It's so weird to see what paths we are going down now. How no one that has to go through this will every truly understand what it is to go through this. Infertility isn't something I would wish on my biggest enemy.. well.. maybe it is..
    As most of you know our infertility journey started with a miscarriage and an ultrasound. When I was told I had a hyrdrosalphinx it was from my family doctor. Don't get me wrong, I trust this man with my life. I worked with him in the ER before he became my PCP. However, when he came into the exam room on that day he walked in all confident, like he had found my problem and everything was going to be ok now. He told me, so I think I know what you have, it is called hydrosalphinx and basically what it is, is when something gets stuck in your fallopian tube and fluid backs up behind it.. the egg can't get through and sometimes the fluid leaks and causes miscarriages. So I think this is the reason for your infertility...but its ok because it is a really easy fix and you shouldn't have many problems after this. So I believed him.. I thought, alright, easy fix!!!

  I had to go into work after that and I googled it. What I found changed my life forever. What I was not told is that in most cases it has to be surgically removed. Thus, cutting your chances for conception in half. I cried, right there in the back office at my job, I cried.. I didn't care who was around me, I cried. I had to face patients all day with a smile. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

 A few weeks later I was in the office at my obgyn's and he said, no, we cannot drain it, we have to take it out. We need to do it asap, I have next friday open. In two seconds my husband and I were speechless. My doctor walked out and there again, I cried.
 
He decided to do an endometrial biopsy that day. He told me I would experience some mild period-like cramping. If you know my periods, we are all for some mild cramping because usually, my periods are debilitating. The procedure consisted of a long catheter type tube that had some sort of suction on the other end of it. He inserted it through the speculum and through the cervix into my uterus. Then he says, ok some slight discomfort. It felt like he was sucking my organs out of me!! slight discomfort?! I felt terrible!! After it was done I could not feel my lower half. I had to lay there for half an hour while the nurse gave me some meds. When the pain went away enough for me to get up, we went across the hallway to schedule my surgery. I had a feeling that I would have to be intubated (when they knock you out and stick a tube down your throat so they can breathe for you) but I was hoping that maybe they would just bag me ( a "bag valve mask" they can use with a mask just over your face and nose to breathe for you with out using a tube- very noninvasive).. but no, they told me I would be intubated and the procedure would last between an hour to two hours. I cried again.
    My mind associates intubation with near-death.  I could not think about myself unconscious with a tube stuck down my throat.. Very scary stuff.

  I was told if the pain did not go away or I began to bleed excessively to call this number. Later that night I was bleeding so much I could not leave the bathroom, my pain was unbearable. I remember being balled up in the bathroom floor. I called the number and the person I spoke to contacted my doctor and they wanted me in the ER right away. Not only is this ER the one that I work in, but I knew they were going to have to do a vaginal exam... Great way to get to know your coworkers. When I arrived there we went back into a room where I was connected to a monitor and given fluids to compensate for my blood loss. My b/p at this point was  105/55, not bad, but certainly a lot lower than my 130/90 that I run. I felt like I was going to pass out every time I blinked. ER's are very busy and as you know if you have ever been a patient in one, the staff is not in there every minute- Nate and I had some time to mull over everything that had happened that day. He was so quiet and when I asked him what was wrong he started to cry. He told me that he was afraid. He was afraid that I had to go through all of this and go through surgery, especially on such short notice, he was afraid that something would go worng. After all of that was a haze, mostly because the doctor gave me some pain meds that actually worked and dulled my pain. Thankfully, when my blood results came back my levels were good, 35 and 10.5 . The obgyn came down and saw me and said my cervix was still dilated a lot more than it should be. She said she wasnt worried and sent me home with instructions to call the number again if it was this bad the next day. She said there was no way this would keep on through the night.
 
    The next day I began to feel worse, bleeding more than the previous day. I called the number and they had me return to the ER. I was humiliated! I did not want to go back again to this place just to be looked at like I did not need to be there ( that is how I felt anyway).. but on the other hand, I did not want something to be wrong with me that needed to be taken care of in a hospital. This time, they checked my blood counts, 32 and 9.5 , gave me pain med, sent me home. I was told, if something happens or this does not resolve by tomorrow, come back.

   Frustrated, we went home to deal with this for another night. I know there was nothing else the ER could do for me, but I was still frustrated at the fact that I had to keep going through this for God knows how long.
    The next day I was at my moms house with my husband. In the past two days I had been so sleepy. I was taking several naps throughout the day. So when I was at my moms, I fell asleep.. We all did! A little while later I woke up to my mom feeling my face and saying ," you are burning up!! Jenna, you have a fever!" Worried, I got up and took my temp. 102.9. I woke my husband up and asked him what we should do.. So we whipped out the number and called.. Surely, they would just have me take some tylenol and make an appointment. But no, coupled with the fever, pain, and bleeding that has been worse than it was before, they had me go back to the ER.. again! I cannot tell you how angry I was (after the fact)!!! At that point though honestly, I didn't care about anything.. I felt terrible, I was sweating so bad and I could hardly stand. My mom and husband had to basically carry my to the car where I laid down in the back seat on the drive to the hospital. I thought I was going to puke the whole time.. It felt much much worse than morning sickness. When we got there I don't really remember much. I remember laying down and a doctor feeling my stomach and then the lights were out and I had a CT, other than that.. it was all a blur. CT showed nothing and I was sent home. My blood count was 30 and 8.9,They said my white blood counts were not elevated and they didnt know why I had a fever. My cervix was still dilated-which was very weird.
   That next friday, June the 3rd I arrived at the hospital at 10 am for my surgery. This was all very unknown for me. I was so afraid. Two hours went by with me and my family sitting in pre-op with air socks on my legs and fluids running. Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye. Being wheeled into the OR was probably the scariest moment of my life. I had no one there with me. Everyone was talking about me, around me, as if I wasnt there.. I even remember the endotrachial tube being slapped onto my chest.. Talk about wanting to make someone feel uncomfortable. I was on the verge of tears. Then one of the nurses grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and asked me how I was doing, if I was afraid.. I told everyone in the room, yes I a very nervous, But i am excited too..because this is a good thing, this is a start to a great thing!Im so thankful to her. Then a mask was smacked onto my face. I remember thinking it is going to take forever for them to put me out, but just a few whiffs of that stuff and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room.

  I was in so much pain! Unfortunately I had the meanest nurse at this point who seemed to not give a damn about me as her patient. I was crying in so much pain, and she told me to get over it because she had had two c-sections and I had nothing to cry about.. WHAT?!?!

The doctor briefed my family on what went on and said everything went fine. There was something that surprised them though, I had a 10cm cyst INSIDE of my fallopian tube. YEah.. So they tell me that was the source of the pain I have been feeling for months, and most likely the reason for my miscarriages. I have pictures of it! It was hiding behind my uterus, so it did not show up on the CT I had done in the ER.

  It took me a good solid week to feel much better. By that point it was a major accomplishment to walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet without help.

   I was not sad about losing a part of me at that time. I felt like I would get pregnant again soon and I would carry to term. The doctor wanted me to wait 3 months before coming back to start treatment because he was sure I was going to get pregnant again. Here I am, one day to the 3 month mark and I am not pregnant. My appointment is on the 6th. I am sad about loosing it now. Every time I think about it, I want to cry. I'm not sure if it is because I lost something that I feel like no one my age should have to loose or the fact that I did the math. At this point, I have a non-induced period every 4 months. Thats 3 cycles a year. Assuming I ovulate with those 3 cycles, I have 1.5 chance of getting pregnant a year... If at least one of those times I ovulate on the side that I have a tube.. Every cycle you have between 12-24 hours to conceive with ovulation. I could have 48hours every two years to get pregnant. I cry when I think about that. I feel sorry for myself when I think about that. It is unfair, and it just seems wrong. I will not feel sorry for myself- this will not define me.

I am praying that we formulate a good plan at my upcoming appointment. I am very nervous, but hopeful.