eh, whatever

    I have been meaning to type up a new post, but I just haven't had the time lately!  During my 2ww I had a positive hpt but then found out that the tests I had (same lot number and all) were being recalled for false positives. It is kind of funny now, I mean, I am really upset about it... But go figure, right?! Things just don't really seem to shock me anymore. So, I am about 19 dpo or something like that, AF never showed despite the fact that I started all on my own last month.

    I started my first dose of provera yesterday and I am in hormonal hell. Everything is making me upset, I HATE THIS! I hate taking provera, its like, a reminder that my body sucks so bad that it can't even do its most common function. It also feels like giving up. I try to keep hope through every cycle and I  never want to quit believing that this is my month... but 19dpo and nothing...its time to start provera.

    That being said, today is my birthday.  Nothing special happened. I went to work where I had the strangest psych patient. I came home to a husband on the couch watching movies all day and a trashed house. I was so upset I just went to lay down in bed. I slept until about 6pm, woke up and here I am. Nothing planned, no cake, no dinner. I don't know what I expected. I guess I thought dh would have flowers...or something, I couldn't even get him to rub my feet... I guess my birthdays are just not as special as they use to be, its like no one gives a damn anymore.

    I have a follow up appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to recheck my a1c level and I can tell you right now that it has not changed.  I've been on my metformin, but when I was diagnosed with bells palsy I had some heavy steroids to take and I was told that they would throw my sugar levels off big time. On the plus side I have lost 5 more pounds this month... thats something my family doc doesnt really seem to care about to much.  All this appointment is going to prove is that I am a failure and I will not be returning to the RE in January, go figure, right.

    It just seems to be hard to have much faith anymore, faith is running low. I feel a bit cheated. I'm getting sick of hearing "oops, we accidently got pregnant, we didn't even want kids" or something of that nature. It all just makes me a little.. I don't know what word i'm looking for.

    I feel like I am flirting with the line of sanity and insanity.