Empty Womb Feelings

    There have been several moments where I have attempt to verbalize what infertility means to me.  Try to put into words the emotions that I have (and i'm sure the emotions of everyone that goes through this).  To have a conversation with someone who is a stranger to a situation like this, who genuinely wants to know how I feel, what its like. I don't know what to say.  I mean, yeah we can all say things to try and explain, but for me the words do not do my feelings any justice.

    Until now, I didn't have words to describe this. Now, I think I do.

    Infertility to me is like playing the lottery.  You can talk all day about what you would do if you won all that money from the lottery.  Make imaginary plans for your life, how you would react when you got that "positive result".  How am I going to tell everyone? But it doesn't matter because who ever actually wins the lottery??

    I make plans for a nursery, we pick out names, and imagine what it will feel like the morning I see those double lines.  Truth is though, I feel like that is never going to happen. And not because it isn't happening when I want it to or anything like that... I just feel that I would never be that lucky to win.  

    So imagine that the only thing in life you ever wanted was to win the lottery... There is nothing you can do to increase your odds... you just play, card after card and you never win.  

    We feel empty, my husband and I.  We love each other more than anything, but something is missing.  There is a hole in our hearts and our lives every second.  We don't want to create a baby because we want one, (I mean, of course we want a baby!) it is more than that, we want to create a baby together because we love each other so much and it just feels right.. That is something that I cannot explain. I hope that this is a feeling that many couples get, so you understand what I mean when I can't explain it. 

    So if I had to put into words what I feel like all the time, I would have to say at this exact moment, that is the best I can do to describe it. 

And if that day comes when we are lucky enough to win the "lottery of life"...well, I guess I don't know what i'll do, but I can tell you that it will be the happiest day of our lives. 

P.S. Today is our 3 year anniversary of TTC (trying to conceive). I hope we are a lot closer today than we were three years ago. I must say, it has been quite the roller coaster. Coming from not knowing why I am not getting pregnant to knowing why and trying new medications and it still not working.  We still have our faith and that is something infertility will never take from me.